Day 174 - self-forgiveness on walking away as spitefullness

An event took place where V showed me a point of behavior of mine to which I reacted - and thus the scene unfolded. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself as I go to sleep and go to bed with pain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I can only change this with the other and I need to communicate with the other

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that what the other is doing was more important and therefore I don’t have the right to interfere

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be silly when I came to V instead of giving a solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into inferiority and wanting to please to appease the situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my reaction and find a reason to walk away because I don’t want to deal with this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a resistance in dealing with an issue that comes up because I think "the other one is just going to abuse me"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually think the other can "abuse me" instead of realizing I can only abuse me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the opportunity to communicate because I took it personal and perceived V was going to ‘win’ and I would feel inferior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior whenever V is pointing something out to me that I am doing – and react with spitefulness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage the evening by walking away and already making up my mind that I will not communicate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame V because ‘she didn’t want to communicate but reacted with anger’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the slightest point against V so that I don’t have to communicate but I can say that the other one is abusive anyway and I am a victim here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe and stop my reaction but instead react in self-righteousness and ‘decided’ to walk away as my ‘free choice’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be committed to stop allpatterns in me and between us by taking initiative to resolve issues

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to afterwards use patchwork as manipulation to be friends again

I commit myself to when a point comes up to support myself with breathing and pushing myself to communicate instead of using an excuse to walk away

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger because V was ignoring my self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to satisfy V instead of taking responsibility for the point and changing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect V to change instead of me taking directive principle within me to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop self-forgiveness just because I was not getting the right feedback and because V got angry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit to the anger and believe I must now stop and go away

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to first provoke and then blame the other for reacting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and punish V because she had raised this point and she doesn’t have the right to do that and expect me to still like her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base the relationship on liking each other where I feel betrayed if the other stops liking me and then I will punish the other back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful within walking away and deliberately creating a situation of harm and suffering instead of giving a solution

I commit myself to stop this pattern and take responsibility

I commit myself to when such a point is opened up – stay with the person instead of getting upset and walking away

I commit myself to stop my shit and get to self-forgiveness

I commit myself to hear what the other says and standing in their shoes to see what is being said as an equal

I commit myself to breathe instead of taking it personal which is just an excuse to not change

I commit myself to be humble when a point comes up that is being shown to me - and immediately take practical self-responsibility through effective communication/self-forgiveness and self-corrective action.