woensdag 18 maart 2020

Day 378 - Remaining calm as a situation escalates

In one of my former jobs, one day a conflict with screaming and lots of emotion emerged on the workfloor. At first there was tension as two colleges were starting to exchange words and one could feel the tension escalating between the two of them. Then a third person got involved and when he got involved he eventually lost his temper and him and one other person stood literally screaming on the top of their lungs on the workfloor.  Me, and I am sure many others who were present, had never witnessed anything like this before.

I was sitting 2 meters away from them as this unfolded and accross from me sat a younger college who was trying to stay focussed on her work. As this unfolded and the screaming started, I knew within myself that it was my job and my responsibility to focus on my breathing and to remain stable, calm and to stop any and all fear and panic that I was experiencing as the two other people were allowing themselves to become hectic.

In a way I was not in a position to 'stand up' and intervene. That was not my place nor was it my point of power in this particular situation. I did not even have words coming up within me that could be of any benefit in that given situation. I was pretty certain that intervening would only create more emotions and chaos. There was also a 'risk' because one of the people screaming was simply my boss.

Therefore I continued to focus on my breathing and simply staying focussed on my screen, even though I was not able within myself to 'pretend' that nothing was going on and actually get my work done. None the less I made it so that my presence would be that of someone who is not affected by what is going on. I held myself and my body stable and simply breathe. This went on for quite some time.

After the emotional storm had passed, there was a moment where I questioned myself and whether I should not have stepped in and 'said something'. But what remained was the stability within my silence and I felt like I had 'no insight'. Afterwards the young college who sat accross from me stood up and said she was so gratefull that I had been there because I stayed so calm. This is where I realised that in certain cases we do not assist and support people by 'doing great things' but simply by standing firm within our principle of remaining stable and calm no matter what happens.


For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com


vrijdag 28 februari 2020

Day 377 - My Trip to Panama 2020 (Part 1)

After reading a blog that talked about the regrets one would have if one died right now, I realised that the one thing I would regret the most, was that I had not yet visited my family in Panama.

When I realised this, I made an instructional note in my daily diary and the following day I started making all the practical arrangements (such as confirming with my family when I could come and booking the flights) to visit my family early this year.

It is interesting that the contemplation of death puts us in a position of looking at our lives from an absolute startingpoint and being able to see clearly what it is we are suppressing or not allowing ourselves to live.

I have now been in Panama for almost 2 weeks and I have enjoyed myself a lot. I was able to reconnect with my family and friends. With and through this visit I have moved around a lot of points within myself. Some of them through actively discussing a topic and others through observing the solutions and the example that others are living and standing as.

Even though I could not stay as long as I would have wanted to, I am very thankful for having made this voyage. For me it made a lot of points 'come together' and I will in the future continue to visit.

Today is one of the last days of my stay and in the morning I had felt a weird pressure within myself, a 'restlesness'. Initially I did not know how to direct myself, so I decided to go work in the garden for a moment to get out of my head. Afterwards I discussed my experience with my sister and what I realised is that I actually regret having to go home again. So, on my next trip I will arrange myself to be able to stay a bit longer if I can. The nature is quite outstanding and there is no comparison to the city-life environment back at home.

What I also faced during this trip is having the 'courage' to not study for one day or two. Normally I would not feel good about that at all. Meaning: unless there were circumstances that 'prevent' me from studying I will expect myself to study every day. But I must also have the ability to say 'stop' to myself for a few days and simply shift my focus and 'experience' different things. This is where I create stress for myself back at home as well.

Another suggestion that was given to me here is to enroll for a Tai Chi class. I have often heard of Tai Chi but ever since I was a child (and was practising Karaté) I felt apprehensive towards Tai Chi, because I would judge it as being 'too soft' and 'unpractical' (even though I have never done it). Yet in discussing this with my sisters I have gained a new perspective on this 'sport' and hence I will take classess when I am back at home.

I have also started to read an interesting book called 'The Book of Mirdad' by Mikhail Naimy, which Leila kept talking about and I can see how this book gives very practical life lessons and as such is a very good guide to process. I am looking forward to read the rest of the book.

(written on 19 february 2020)

To be continued...

donderdag 2 januari 2020

Day 376 - New Year's Hesitations 2020

Yesterday we went dancing for New Year's Eve. We had a good time, but in order for us to get to the decision of what we wanted to do - it was a painful process.

A week or so ago I had committed to finding us a venue where we can go and dance on NYE. The problem was that after having made that statement, I did not do one single thing that would contribute to this outcome.

When I looked at this point this morning, I could see that there had been no clear commitment on my part to actually make it happen, to make it work. When it came down to it, I didn't care. Now I could tell myself that I am not a kind person for whom this celebration is very important, but that is all besides the point because the reality is that I had said that I would 'find something' - and in the moment of doing so I also actually wanted for us to go dancing as well.

In other words I 'wanted something' but I did not want to take 'responsibility for it'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want something but not have the courage to take responsibility for it - to own up to it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty if I were to spend time on finding a place to dance on NYE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse the responsibility for organising our evening, because 'what if I fail' - 'what if my partner does not like it'.

And so it happened that yesterday, realising that I had to take responsibility, I simply took a deep breath and said: Let's go to T&T to dance. This is something I had come across on the internet but that I had remained undecided about because I thought it was expensive. Yet, within suggesting this option for us - I was clear within myself that this was a good idea. In other words, I was perfectly able to direct this point, but I simply had postponed the point of taking responsibility. When I took my breath and I looked within myself, I asked myself what would I like myself - what is it that I am willing to do tonight? Only after I embraced the full responsibility, and with that the possibility that my partner would not like what I would recommend, did I have access to clarity.


For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com


woensdag 1 januari 2020

Day 375 - No Ready Perspective

It has often happened that my partner would come to me with a problem that she is facing and she would ask me for perspective. In the past I would often 'freeze' inside because I did not see myself as capable to offer an informed perspective that would actually support her. I thought I did not have enough experience in regards to what she was facing. But what I realised is that I cannot hide behind this excuse. I am responsible and I have the ability to speak. Often times what was required was not that I have 'the answer' in an absolute sense or even a 'ready perspective' - but simply that I stand with my partner in looking at the point she is facing. Because then whatever I say will set something 'in motion' that will assist my partner in shifting her perspective and then a further perspective can come either from herself or from me.


For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com


zondag 15 december 2019

Day 374 - You need to work faster

I had a dream where I am sitting with a college and he is telling me: you need to move/work faster.

After I woke up, I looked at this statement and my experience within it - and at first I was looking at justifying that this is 'only based on fears' and purely coming from my own mind, but in hinsight I see there is more to this.

I realise that the way this is being said to me is like a point of 'no choice' and it was made clear that this has to happen 'no matter what'. Within myself I perceive that I somehow still have a 'choice' : in the moment of saying yes I will do it, in terms of actually comitting to it - I hold back.

In terms of referencing my dream back to reality: One could say that the pace at which I move myself is 'acceptable' but in reality I know that I can do better: in other words there are many moments where I see that I could be moving myself much more effectively.

I commit myself to break down into details what it would mean for me practically to work/move faster.

I commit myself to find and map out all the little points and moments where I sabotage my own self-movement - by distracting myself and being diverted - breaking my own flow.

I commit myself to removing all the hurdles and limitations that would prevent me from working in a way where I honor myself by being effective and diligent in my work.


For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com


zaterdag 9 november 2019

Day 373 - Rectifying Consequence through Communication

A while ago I rented a car in the capital, and afterwards experienced an issue with the car rental company, because they charged me for a full tank of fuel - as if I had brought the car back empty.

In reality I had filled up the fueltank right before returning the car, however at the gas station I was unable to fill up the tank to the maximum level so that 1 liter of fuel was missing. This was because the fuel pump simply blocked me from continuing the fill up the tank, as if my tank was completely ful already. Except that it was not 100% full as it was missing 1 liter.

When I returned the car to the local car rental desk, I did not see or find the person on the parking lot  with whom I was supposed to check the car and make sure all was in order. I then went upstairs to the administration desk and returned the key with the necessary explanations in regards to the fuel problem. The person said they would do their best to pass on the information but he was clearly overworked.

It was therefore no real surprise when my credit card was charged for the full fuel tank a few weeks later. At this point I said to myself that I will write an email to the central adminsitration of the car rental company, to 'complain' about why and how my credit card was charged. It took me quite a while between the moment that I realised that this is what I must do, and the day that I actually decided to write and send the email. Initially I had even thought: ah, it is just 25 EUR, and I have no proof to stand on - will it even make a difference? It is simply bureaucracy...

However there was also a point in me where I felt that I should speak up in regards to the matter, which is why I finally sent them an email. In this email I simply explained what happened from my perspective and how it happened, adding no proof for my statement except for telling my story in detail so as to offer the entire context. (I did of course give them the reference of my rental and the number on the bill I received)

In this email I did not blame the company about bad service and I did not use any emotion such as anger. I ended my email with asking them to reimburse me the 25 EUR they charged minus the real cost of 1 liter of fuel. After I had sent my email I did not expect an actual treatment of my case or an investigation of any kind. In a way this email I sent it for myself, to show to myself that I do not need to accept abuse in the form of blind mistakes.

But, to my surprise they actually did answer and reimbursed me the entire amount. At this point I realised that in the past I had often given up on what I call 'small things' bacause of not wanting to make 'a big deal' out of it - yet now I saw that this behaviour was also a form of subtly accepting and allowing inferiority and giving up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept a certain outcome simply because of the belief that others have to do something for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am not worth it to communicate in regards to a mistake that was made and that should be rectified.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow mistakes in others that compromise me instead of simply showing the mistake and the consequence and the compromise.


For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com


woensdag 2 oktober 2019

Day 372 - When an inner Clue opens up

Today, after having come home from work and having eaten, I say at my desk and looked at what it is I was going to do next. Initially I was more considering to 'watch a movie' because within myself I felt that I had spent a lot of time working in the last few days and that I needed something else. I also felt quite tired so I did not see myself studying this evening. Then what happened is that in a flash moment an experience opened up in me - where I was looking at finally opening the box with the miniature car I had bought and making a start with assembling it.

This box had been lying on my shelf for a few months now, because I had indeed been very busy on many fronts and I always thought that now is not the right time and in general I perceived that it would take too much time.

However, within me having this flash-moment experience of seeing myself working on the model car, was also the implied understanding that this evening I actually had a moment of spare time to actually start with assembling the car.

Interestingly I initially resisted this clue I was giving myself. I told myself that it would be much easier and straight-forward if I just put on a movie and watch a movie for the rest of the evening. This was interesting. I looked at the experience within myself in regards to the consideration I had given to assembling the model car. When I looked as this experience, I saw that it did not manifest as a 'desire' or an 'urge' or a 'need' - but as a simple 'liking'. Within myself I was also judging this experience as something that would be 'more work' - instead of 'enjoyment' and 'relaxation'. However, I decided to discard the pretense that a film would be more fun than to start assembling the model car. I decided to go with my inner clue - even though it seemed like it would be 'work'.

As soon as I had set myself up with the materials which I needed to get started with the model car I realised that this was the better decision and that I was really enjoying myself - there is something in the small detailed parts that triggers my interest and curiosity and where I am in contact with a different part of myself. I realised that I do not connect with myself on this level when I simply watch a movie. And yes, it did require some attention and focus in order to get the first parts glued - but there was no pressure in terms of how much I should be doing today, so I stopped after having completed some of the main parts of the engin, after 25 minutes or so and I was starting to feel tired.

What I learned from this is that what 'supports me most' in a moment is not necessarily going to be the thing that is the easiest in a given cicumstance, but that within myself I am able to challenge myself slightly to move out of a perceived comfort zone and get creative. This is how I am exploring parts of myself that I would have in the past dismissed. 


For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com