zaterdag 9 november 2019

Day 373 - Rectifying Consequence through Communication

A while ago I rented a car in the capital, and afterwards experienced an issue with the car rental company, because they charged me for a full tank of fuel - as if I had brought the car back empty.

In reality I had filled up the fueltank right before returning the car, however at the gas station I was unable to fill up the tank to the maximum level so that 1 liter of fuel was missing. This was because the fuel pump simply blocked me from continuing the fill up the tank, as if my tank was completely ful already. Except that it was not 100% full as it was missing 1 liter.

When I returned the car to the local car rental desk, I did not see or find the person on the parking lot  with whom I was supposed to check the car and make sure all was in order. I then went upstairs to the administration desk and returned the key with the necessary explanations in regards to the fuel problem. The person said they would do their best to pass on the information but he was clearly overworked.

It was therefore no real surprise when my credit card was charged for the full fuel tank a few weeks later. At this point I said to myself that I will write an email to the central adminsitration of the car rental company, to 'complain' about why and how my credit card was charged. It took me quite a while between the moment that I realised that this is what I must do, and the day that I actually decided to write and send the email. Initially I had even thought: ah, it is just 25 EUR, and I have no proof to stand on - will it even make a difference? It is simply bureaucracy...

However there was also a point in me where I felt that I should speak up in regards to the matter, which is why I finally sent them an email. In this email I simply explained what happened from my perspective and how it happened, adding no proof for my statement except for telling my story in detail so as to offer the entire context. (I did of course give them the reference of my rental and the number on the bill I received)

In this email I did not blame the company about bad service and I did not use any emotion such as anger. I ended my email with asking them to reimburse me the 25 EUR they charged minus the real cost of 1 liter of fuel. After I had sent my email I did not expect an actual treatment of my case or an investigation of any kind. In a way this email I sent it for myself, to show to myself that I do not need to accept abuse in the form of blind mistakes.

But, to my surprise they actually did answer and reimbursed me the entire amount. At this point I realised that in the past I had often given up on what I call 'small things' bacause of not wanting to make 'a big deal' out of it - yet now I saw that this behaviour was also a form of subtly accepting and allowing inferiority and giving up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept a certain outcome simply because of the belief that others have to do something for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am not worth it to communicate in regards to a mistake that was made and that should be rectified.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow mistakes in others that compromise me instead of simply showing the mistake and the consequence and the compromise.


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woensdag 2 oktober 2019

Day 372 - When an inner Clue opens up

Today, after having come home from work and having eaten, I say at my desk and looked at what it is I was going to do next. Initially I was more considering to 'watch a movie' because within myself I felt that I had spent a lot of time working in the last few days and that I needed something else. I also felt quite tired so I did not see myself studying this evening. Then what happened is that in a flash moment an experience opened up in me - where I was looking at finally opening the box with the miniature car I had bought and making a start with assembling it.

This box had been lying on my shelf for a few months now, because I had indeed been very busy on many fronts and I always thought that now is not the right time and in general I perceived that it would take too much time.

However, within me having this flash-moment experience of seeing myself working on the model car, was also the implied understanding that this evening I actually had a moment of spare time to actually start with assembling the car.

Interestingly I initially resisted this clue I was giving myself. I told myself that it would be much easier and straight-forward if I just put on a movie and watch a movie for the rest of the evening. This was interesting. I looked at the experience within myself in regards to the consideration I had given to assembling the model car. When I looked as this experience, I saw that it did not manifest as a 'desire' or an 'urge' or a 'need' - but as a simple 'liking'. Within myself I was also judging this experience as something that would be 'more work' - instead of 'enjoyment' and 'relaxation'. However, I decided to discard the pretense that a film would be more fun than to start assembling the model car. I decided to go with my inner clue - even though it seemed like it would be 'work'.

As soon as I had set myself up with the materials which I needed to get started with the model car I realised that this was the better decision and that I was really enjoying myself - there is something in the small detailed parts that triggers my interest and curiosity and where I am in contact with a different part of myself. I realised that I do not connect with myself on this level when I simply watch a movie. And yes, it did require some attention and focus in order to get the first parts glued - but there was no pressure in terms of how much I should be doing today, so I stopped after having completed some of the main parts of the engin, after 25 minutes or so and I was starting to feel tired.

What I learned from this is that what 'supports me most' in a moment is not necessarily going to be the thing that is the easiest in a given cicumstance, but that within myself I am able to challenge myself slightly to move out of a perceived comfort zone and get creative. This is how I am exploring parts of myself that I would have in the past dismissed. 


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maandag 23 september 2019

Day 371 - Surviving in Outer Space

It is interesting that we find thrill within stories that project hopeless situations with struggle for survival and a race against time. But what about the hundred thousands who cross the seas on boats in hope for a chance at survival, knowing full well they might die at sea - and they do it anyway and thousands drown every year. But we complain about immigration instead, and go to the movies to watch a story about surviving in outer space.

zaterdag 21 september 2019

Day 370 - Buying New Pants

After I had gained 10 kilo's in the course of the year, I started to worry about my weight. This 'problem' became also a practical problem because I could no longer fit my pants. I desperately started to do sports such as biking and running, but my weight remained pretty stable. I would go to work with a button of my pants open and long shirts so that no one would notice that I cannot close my pants anymore.

At this point I realised that I was abusing myself and my body and that I had to buy new pants, simply because I actually had the means to do so. Therefore I bought a set of new pants that would fit me comfortably and with which I could go to work. Within buying those pants, I also accepted that this is now my weight and I stopped being 'in conflict' with it.

After a few months another point opened up where I realised that I had developed a habit of overeating in the mornings. So, this is now a point that I am re-adjusting. It seems to me that this type of realisations and insight can only open up after I have made the step to embrace my body first, because as long as I am in fear I am also in denial of myself and my reality.

Another good blog that inspired me with perspective on this point is:


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zaterdag 3 augustus 2019

Day 369 - When we Decide to Make something Work

Today I was looking at my backpack again, as it was lying in the room.

Suddenly I did not like the idea anymore of bringing it to someone for repairing. The zipper was no longer in place and was coming off as well on certain ends. I had judged that the job would have been too complicated for me.

Today however, I realised that I can do this. I need to simply push myself and do it.

And lo and behold, as I took out my little sewing kit and started working on the backpack, it becamed clear rather quickly how I should best stich. This is because I had made a decision to fix the bag, instead of allowing myelf to be 'confused and 'undecided'.

As long as I am waivering and hesitant as to the point of responsibility, I will prevent myself from seeing the detail of the solution. I will make it 'confusing' and 'too complicated'.

I would have taken my backpack to a person or a store and I would have had to run around to find the right person or store and they would have charged me money - and within that I would have learned nothing. So, when I was looking at my backpack today there was a point of: I am not accepting this and so I made a decision.

So, what this point has showed me is that the critical part is to actually make a decision instead of letting a point 'sit' in 'no mans land'. I direct it - I bring the point as far as I can take it.

A similar point happened with the guitar I had bought a while ago. I buy a guitar. I am happy. Then I have to tune the guitar. Then it didn't quite work out. Then I was unhappy. Then I started dreading the process of tuning the guitar because of my expereince and having build 'uncertainty' in regards to the process and ALSO thinking that 'it will probably not work' and 'maybe I will have to ask someone to do it for me.' I left the guitar untuned and untouched for many months.

But then, one day I simply took the guitar and started tuning it - I said to myself that 'I am just going to tune it'. And although things did not work 'perfectly' I made enormous headway in tuning the guitar simply because I hade made a decision.

I found that when my starting point changes then 'everything' changes, the tools that I am using they 'change' -  the tuner I was using, now was willing to collaborate - but instead of only relying on the tuner, I would also use my common sense, I would listen to the sound of the strings - suddenly any and all limitation is just irrelevant. Suddenly I am resourceful. Why? Because I have made a decision.

Interesting the power we have - when we decide to make something work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone things because I actually do not see myself able to do it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that postponing is the first step of giving up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone as a way to hide from myself that I am giving up.

I commit myself to identify where I am postponing and abdicating responsibility - and give to myself the gift of making a simple yet effective decision.


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maandag 15 juli 2019

Day 368 - Learn to Smile without Guilt

I remember when I was in South Africa in 2009 and Bernard said to me:  “You have to learn to smile without feeling guilty.“

As always I could not immeditaley grasp the full extent of what he was saying. I reflected on his words and realised that I indeed did not feel comfortable smiling – and that I saw smiling as a way of ‚selling out‘. Because (my belief was that) I was not ‚being true to myself‘. Because ‚why do I have to smile‘?

This goes hand in hand with the apprehension I had towards the system in general and the world of money in particular. Because in the world of money, everything was about ‚smiling‘ and keeping up a ‚positive image‘.

So, why should I ‚smile‘ ?

Later on when I would be working at a job back in my country – I started to realise the meaning of what he said. In essence, smiling was neither positive nor negative. Smiling was simply a way of expressing myself by using my face. Now what I found is that the more I would practice smiling, the more I would start enjoying it.  Meaning, I would be able to put on a big smile at will, and within that actually enjoy myself. I remember one day we had to participate in a photo shoot for work because marketing needed our profile pictures and people generaly appreciated my photo because it was astounding how much I was enjoying myself on the picture.

There was no more uncomfortableness, no more ‚guilt‘.

This is also a point of walking through “morality“ regarding the rules I had imposed on myself in orther to be an “authentic person.“ I found that when I smile, the expression of me enjoying myself was authentic. It was not fabricated. Within me smiling was my genuine expression. This is also a statement that I am cool with enjoying myself – that I am ok with me having fun. There was nothing to hide and nothing to pretend.

Since then, I have continued to play with my ability to smile and used it as much as I could with people in my world. I found that when I allow myself to smile in this way people will be much more open with me and much more willing to share themselves with me. Therefore, smiling is also a way of opening yourself up to the world and stepping out of isolation.  

This is therefore a nice way of applying a ‚behavioral correction‘ within yourself and your world as support for an ‚internal correction‘.  


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maandag 1 juli 2019

Day 367 - Late at Night in the Rain

I was driving through the streets at night with heavy rain. I had to drive very carefuly because of the weather and because there was still trafic at this hour. On the road, almost towards the middle of my lane I saw a big white trahsbag lying. It was full and had probably fallen off the sidewalk, where more trashbags were lying on a heap. I had to quickly drive around the trahsbag as my thinking was that I would rather not drive over it. At this point there was a man walking on the sidewalk.

When I had passed the trashbag I looked in my rear window a moment later and saw how the man noticed the trashbag, picked it up from the street and put it on the sidewalk. I thought he must have realised that the trahsbag could be a hindrance and so he took the initiative to go and pick up the trashbag to avoid any problems. Even though it was not ‚his situation‘, he made it ‚his situation‘.

In this moment I spoke words of thankfulness out loud in my car, because I would have done the same and I could see how the potential to do what is best in a situation exists in everyone, which is a point of 'innocence'.

That would be so cool, if we could genuinly rely on each other. Imagine a world in which we can trust eachother at all times to do what is best for all – that is when life will be born.   


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