dinsdag 18 juni 2019

Day 365 - at the Edge of Storytelling

I like stories (films, novels, comic books, etc) and my partner likes it when afterwards I tell her the story in my own words. This self-forgiveness is about one of those instances where I was telling her a story and during the conversation I started to feel annoyed and irritated:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get impatient when my partner does not understand where i am at with the story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suddenly feel ‚abused‘ because my partner is asking me to explain more about the story so that she can follow better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when my partner at any given moment can no longer follow me – and take that as a sign that I am not qualified to tell the story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and prevent my partner from interrupting me when I am telling my story, by raising my voice, instead of realising and understanding that it is ok to pause and let the person ask her questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as weakness if I allow the person to interrupt me in my story.

I forgive myself to want to be ‚God‘ in my telling of the story and within that want to be ‚perfect‘ instead of realising it is not about me being perfect – but about creating an exchange of value between me and my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if my partner asks questions that means that I am not good enough and I have failed at telling my story.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compete with my partner whilst telling the story – instead of developing enjoyment in me telling the story unconditionally and allow the story to be a dialogue as well if my partner has questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I know best how the story needs to be told and in what order, and therefore if my partner is asking me to go back to a part of the story that she has questions about I will be unwilling to go back and insist that i must continue the story in the way that i am telling it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that ‚perfection‘ is being able to tell the story perfectly – presenting all the elements perfectly – instead of realising perfection is about me being clear within myself in every breath as I tell the story and being able to ‚let go‘ of any expectations that I have myself as to how the telling of the story must go.

I commit myself to tell the story unconditionally – wherin I walk the story breath by breath – and I allow myelf to enjoy the sharing of the story, instead of feeling pressured and fearing that something will not be understood. I realise that at any time I can clarify things and add more information so that my partner can also learn from the story. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org
For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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zondag 5 mei 2019

Day 364 - Normal Communication


I forgive myself that I have accepted  and allowed myself to use anger as a means to ‚fight‘ instead of allowing myself to be vulnerable as life and to use normal communication.

I commit myself to delve into me as the moment I wish to supress myself with fear disguised as anger.

I commit myself to play with allowing myself to be open about my experiences and concerns and to show to myself that it is okay to simply say what is the matter as a matter of communication, instead of screaming and ‚defense‘.

I commit myself to use communication as a painting, which means precision and self-intimacy and patience.


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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org
For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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zaterdag 4 mei 2019

Day 363 - Ping Pong always Wrong

Here are a few lines I wrote in relation to a pattern of going into conflict with 'words' and wanting to be acknowledged:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a ping pong game of righteousness.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself participating in ping-pong as energy and 'competition' I stop and breathe, and I let the moment pass.

I realise and understand there is nothing to win as I am already here.

I commit myself to speak words in clarity, stability and from a startingpoint of one and equal respect for myself and life.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org
For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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zondag 28 april 2019

Day 362 - The Measure of a Man (Film 2015)

I recently saw the French movie named 'La Loi du Marché' which should have been translated as 'The Law of the Market' but instead you will find translated as 'The Measure of a Man'.

In this story the main character faces unemployment after having been fired from his previous job. He then faces the bureaucracy of the supporting organisations that exist to offer him support with getting him hired again, but he soon realises that these mostly exist to keep him busy and going in circles. Within this process he faces a lot of stress because he has a son who is handicapped and who requires a lot of expensive care and special treatment. Additionally he has not yet fully paid off the loan on their house.

When he then finds a job again he is faced with internal conflict as he is made to perform tasks that he feels 'bad' about. He is namely hired as a security agent to control the shopping behavior of customers in a large grocery store. As he is introduced into his role, which involves learning how to operate all the security camera's in the store, he learns that he must not only check on the customers but also on the employees of the store. In effect, his task is also to make sure that employees do not steal from the store.

The strength of this movie is in showing the reality of people, both customers and employees alike, not being able to make ends meet and who will be compelled to steal in a grocery store. Most people who are caught stealing seem to be people who simply don't have enough money to buy the things they would like or which they require. This will place the main character in a difficult position as his testimony as a security agent will be used to fire those employees who have been caught stealing. This causes him heartache because he knows exactly what they are going through as he has been there himself.

In one particular instance the firing of an employee leads to a suicide as the person could no longer support herself and she had a son with drug problems. After this and a few more instances, the main character one day decides to walk away from his job as he is disgusted with himself and what he has to do for money.

This is where I want to offer perspective.

As much as I can understand the reaction of the main-character, the actual answer was not within walking away from his job. The system and the world we live in is a cruelty beyond words - but it is one which we have created collectively. This means that the system nor any part of it can be judged or 'rejected' - it has to be 'walked' so as to understand ourselves and how we created this. We have been brainwashed to believe that 'standing up' means to fight the system, but this is not so. Standing up means first and foremost taking responsibility for ourselves and 'who we are' as the version of 'life' we have become. Are we proud of ourselves in thought, word and deed or are we ashamed of the things we secretly think and participate in in our minds? How can we judge the system when we cannot even stop our own secret thoughts of spitefulness towards eachother? The only real change is inner change and only then can a new system emerge. 

For more information about what it means to take responsibility for oneself, visit:
http://www.desteni.org 

zondag 7 april 2019

Day 361 - The Unexpected Failure of the Superhero


What is it that makes super-hero movies so appealing, when in fact they have the most predictable storylines of all the movies out there?

For me the part I enjoy and look for, is the aspect of pushing beyond one’s limitations. If you take any of the superhero movies, the common structure of all the stories is that the superhero will be faced with a challenge that is beyon his capacities – something that he has not faced yet.

In other words the superhero has to completely step out of his comfort zone and give it all he or she’s got and even more – to be able to surmount the challenge he or she is faced with.

The superhero in effect has to move through „the eye of the needle“ in order to succeed.

The one thing that is perhaps artificial within this story line is that the viewer is already expecting the super hero to succeed. Somehow, failure is not quite possible or highly unlikely.

I would say that in real life situations, the risk of failure is much more real and pertinent. In other words, in real life there are actually no guarantees to succeeding at something – whereas in superhero movies this guarantee seems to be implicit (because we paid for seeing the superhero succeed and not for seeing him fail isn’t it?).

I would say that in real life situations it is not so much about achieving the result that is perceived to be ‚success‘ but about walking through one’s limitations regardless of the actual result. To give a practical example: A week ago me and my partner were scheduled to participate in a flea market in the city. This is something we have often done in the past and we have always done it together. But on the day of the fea market, unexpectedly my partner was ill, and we had already paid a reservation cost to participate in the fleamarket. At this point I was ready to walk away from doing the fleamarket regardless of the money I had already paid – yet when we dicussed this together the point came up of: why don’t I go alone? At first I dimissed this idea because of the perception that ‚this is not my thing‘ – yet when looking at it again there was a little flame in me that lit up. I saw that it could actually be interesting for me to do it alone as a way to test myself. I then stated to my partner that I would go by myself and we were both happy with this decision. I went by myself as a means to create a little adventure and to push myself out of my comfort zone. It was indeed a lot of work because of having to find a spot to park the car and then unload all the items to my selling location and then setting up everything – but it worked out fine and I could get going with selling our stuff. In fact I did not sell a lot on that day. I just made enough money to cover for the reservation cost which from an „investment“ perpective would have meant that the fleamarket was a failure – but for me it wasn’t, because I found satisfaction in the fact that I had simply pushed myself to do something that I would normally not have done and that I could show to myself that i am able to act independently.

This is why process is not about ‚the picture‘ as ‚success‘ but about self-honesty and doing what is best for all and best for self.   

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org
For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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zaterdag 23 maart 2019

Day 360 - Impatience within Teaching

Here is some self-forgiveness I wrote about a pattern of being impatient when assisting my partner with learning a language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient when F does not understand what I mean and I will think that she is deliberately doubting me and trying to know better – instead of stopping my judgment and assumptions and simply realise that she is learning and she will not understand everything from the get go.

I commit myself to be patient and to teach like I would like to be taught.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations about the other when I explain something – instead of allowing the teaching to actually flow as the interaction between me and F for both of us to learn. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org
For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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woensdag 6 maart 2019

Day 359 - Directing an emotional Conversation


As I was walking out of the garage yesterday, the concierge of our building came to me and asked if all the plastic bottles lying around the backyard were mine. It had indeed been very windy for a few days and thus things had been flying around. I said: „No, because our platic bottles are alwys tight in our blue plastic bag“. The blue bag being a recycling bag which we close with a pin. I added: „You need to tell all the neighbours (in the appartment building) that they need to keep their blue bags tight and closed.“ At this point, and seemingly without hearing me, he raised his voice and shouted: „Because I am fed up of picking up all the trash all the time – it looks like a dump here again! And we keep on cleaning it!“

I had already given him the solution to his problem, so I did not further reply to his comments. I nodded my head in a neutral manner and walked on to the garage. There was a moment where a thought popped up in my head that I should at least prove to him that the bottles were not coming from us, but upon taking a breath, I saw that this would add little to the point and in fact the point was not wether or not he agreed with me the but about whether I am clear within myself about my starting point. When I was done with my business in the garage, I walked past him again and said ‚bye‘.

This showed me that when I am clear inside myself, it is very easy to direct a situation. There is no need to take on the emotions from others.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org
For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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maandag 25 februari 2019

Day 358 - Patience and Self-Reliance


A few nights ago I could not sleep as I was feeling uncertain about a decision I needed to make. I realized that whatever I do I need to be clear in my starting point, specifically I cannot allow any self-deception to influence me in my decision. There was also a sense of urgency, as I would not be able to postpone this decision for much longer. Within this I was feeling quite ‘shaken’ and because I had been very preoccupied about this point I was also feeling exhausted. A part of me simply wanted to go to bed and ‘give myself a break from this experience’ and ‘finally rest’ – however I kept on lying wide awake in bed, unable to calm myself down.

I had already written about the issue at hand throughout the day more than once, therefore I initially dismissed to go back to writing. In a way I was facing a point where in the past I would have written to Bernard and asked him for a perspective – and this desire to get someone else to clarify the situation ‘for me’ still existed. In fact I had already received input from my partner on the matter I was dealing with on that day, and there was even a thought for a moment that I could go and ‘ask her again’. But within all this there was fundamentally an unwillingness in myself to take responsibility for the situation I was dealing with.

I realized that it is up to me to create the clarity I need. I therefore got out of bed and got my notebook to make additional notes on the point. I directed myself to look at the issue and initially I still found no clarity – I was still nervous and uncertain. When I was done making notes I put my book aside and went back to bed. I could feel that the point was still brewing in me – I forgave myself for feeling helpless and used breathing to stabilize myself. After 10 or 15 more minutes of lying down, suddenly the point shifted within me and it made a ‘click’ like a puzzle piece that fits. I suddenly had found a way to see which choice would be best for all and with this satisfied feeling I became very calm and finally was able to go to sleep.

This experience showed me that I have to be able to show extreme patience with myself and that even when there are no immediate results and things seem very bad, that is no excuse to give up on my own support. Even though I did not know what to do in an absolute sense – because I kept on supporting myself against all odds, the answer then later on revealed itself ‘by itself’. Had I run and asked for ‘help’ I would have missed the point of creating self-reliance and the realization that I have the capacity to give myself perspective and establish clarity. Because underlying all this was also the question I asked myself: one day I must inevitably become able to give clarity to myself on difficult issues – it cannot be that I remain eternally enslaved to ‘asking others for perspective’ – because that means that I remain ‘confused’ instead of developing self-insight and self-trust. If Bernard could do it then – eventually – I must also be able to do it.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org
For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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zondag 10 februari 2019

Day 357 - From irritation to Equality


We had planned on making a little trip outside of town and go for a walk. We had made preparations in terms of the trajectory along which we would be walking and also where we would be parking the car.

When we arrived we wanted to determine the starting point of the walking trajectory. We were still sitting in the car and looking at a little map on one of our phones. At the same time I was working from memory regarding the plan I had seen on the computer earlier and I had also seen how this correlated with the street map on our GPS system in the car. Based on this I was sure about where exactly the starting point of the walking trajectory was in relation to the car. I told my partner and wanted us to move on and get out of the car.

To my partner however, my assessment was not entirely clear and she was not convinced that my direction was correct. In this moment I started to experience irritation because I was within myself justifying that I was ‘certain’ and therefore my partner was irresponsible in wanting us to spend more time on determining the beginning of the trajectory, so my backchat went.

At the same time I realized there had been countless situations where I had perceived myself to be correct about a point which then later on turned out to be ‘incorrect’. Therefore I calmed myself down with breathing and started to explain patiently to my partner, using all the tools we had available, the phone and the GPS – also getting out of the car myself to verify the streetnames outside - until she actually arrived at the same conclusion that I had come to.  Then, we were both on equal footing and together we left the car and started our walking trajectory.

This to me was a little victory, because it showed me how easily I would have let something so small turn into a point of friction and conflict – instead of applying humbleness and within that creating equality. And how much more enjoyable it was to simply be patient and share and communicate than to become emotional. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org
For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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vrijdag 11 januari 2019

Day 356 - From conflict and fighting to Participation


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freak out when F shows me how to position a curtain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get upset and shout "I don’t want you to intervene!"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I ‘lose my control’ because F does something ‘without my permission’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to panic because I fear losing some kind of arrangement I had and think she will ‘distort it’ and I think my solution is the only correct one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe and fall into reactions as emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify reacting emotionally because ‘she is not allowed to do that’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel interfered with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stepped over

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disrespected

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto my perception as ‘control’ instead of simply breathing and letting go and allowing the ‘risk’ of something new to unfold.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘defend’ that which I ‘know’ and ‘fear losing’ the relative comfort which my approach was providing, instead of allowing myself to try something new and seeing if it does not work better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself with an automatic ‘no’ towards anything that challenges me and questions the way I do things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fearful and aggressive about a point so simple as the way a curtain is arranged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself so seriously that I think that my way is the best way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into ego instead of allowing myself to see a solution for what it is, irrespective of who presents it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with F and wanting to prove my value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use conflict instead of breathing and simple communication.

I commit myself to – when and as I see myself reacting to something small and simple where I perceive that I am being interfered with – to stop and breathe, take a moment and speak from clarity and participate with the other person in her suggested solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘fight it’ instead of ‘participating in it’ and going all the way in contributing to it – this way making it in effect impersonal and applying and testing what is best for all.

I commit myself to test participating and walking unconditionaly with solutions offered by another person as a way to move through my fears of losing.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use panic and drama as a way to dissuade another person from showing me something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use forcefulness as shouting or physically holding onto something as a way to dissuade another person from showing me something.

I commit myself to physically let go and create the space for another to show me something, whitin the realisation that what is best for all is also best for me - therefore I have nothing to lose, as a best for all solution is impersonal.

(To be continued)
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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org
For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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