Day 397 - On the Fear of RIDICULE

I recently re-watched an old episode from a Belgian satire series (called 'In de Gloria'), of which I had already seen all the episodes more than 10 years ago. What struck me this time around is one particular sketch that was presented as an 'interview' of a woman and her husband. The woman was going to her local church every Sunday and singing along with the choir, but the choir leader and the priest had 'stepped in' to have her remain silent during the singing because her singing was experienced as 'disruptive'. The interview starts out as being rather funny, but as the interview continued I realised there was also an 'innocent' element within the story.  

Upon her receiving the news that she was no longer allowed to sing, her husband went to buy a synthesizer in the store to help her with rythm. What is intended within the interview is for both the woman and her husband to be 'ridiculous', because of the way that they express themselves. Yet, one point I found interesting within the story/interview: which was that the husband was actually supporting his wife to deal with her problem. Meaning, he took equal ownership of the issue and they literally worked at it together because it was that important for his wife. So, what stood out for me is the quality of the collaboration between the man and the wife and how they stood as a team, even though their endevour might seem ridiculous to external observers. I actually found this last dimension to be completely irrelevant and actually besides the point.  

In reality what was being shown is how much a person can care for another person that they will walk a point like that together. Indeed, when the intent is pure, is does not matter what it looks like to external observers. Consequently, what the interview is actually revealing is that we will often not unconditionally support those that we care about because of the fear of ridicule. What does that say about us? 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 390 - On the nature of Assumptions

Today I write about this point that is very relevant to my process : assumptions and how I make assumptions within communication. When I wrote about this and I looked at the point at first glance it seemed like the assumption is made in an 'automatic' way and I then respond to the assumption - but that is not true. In reality I am already aware that I do not have all the facts but DESPITE that awareness I still decide to impose an assumption on the situation. In my case I will often assume a 'worst case' meaning onto what was said. Simply because I do not understand why someone said something - I will assume they had an underlying selfish reason. I insert my (secret) interpretation into the conversation and instead of working with what was said I start responding to my interpretation which is in a way a form of desperation. I am desperate, because I am too shit scared to simply ask for clarifications on what was said so as to help me understand and in fact stand equal to the person I am communicating with. Now, I fear inequality, because I am assuming that the other person cannot be trusted, and so to turn the tables in my favor I will now respond to that perceived injustice : there is no better way to make an ass out of yourself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am not clear why someone is saying something, immediatley assume that they are secretly trying to deceive me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made a habit out of following my assumptions which is a form of cowardice - rather than to check back with the person and clarify what it is they said. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise the extent of the turmoil I am willing to create by allowing myself to act and speak on an assumption - instead of simply admitting that I do not know: I do not know what was said. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to communicate 'perfectly' so as to always be immediately clear to me - when in reality my own communication is not at that level at all and I m not even standing as an exemple of what I expect. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that by choosing for assumptions I am actually choosing for the probability of conflict and seperation.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself being unsure as to what was said, to simply be real about it and ask for clarifications. 

I commit myself to be sensitive to the energy that I experience when I want to make an assumption and I take a breath. I breathe and I check myself and I check with the person: ok what do you mean by that? 

I commit myself to practice my communication and be vulnerable with myself and the other in being open about what it is I understood and if this is correct? 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 382 - Gollum and the Ring

A statement that came up within me yesterday while we were discussing the Symbolism in the Lord of the Rings, was: "You are not worthy of my gold." And I wrote down that statement. 

Within this, was contained the attitude of Gollum towards his Ring made from gold, which he would cherish in secret and share with no-one. The statement I wrote down reflected how I could myself relate towards Gollum and his Ring, where the Ring represents a part of me where I 'let no-one in', I keep it to myself and I use fierce anger to push those away who try to come near.

Later, when doing my writing in my bed, I continued: "You are not worthy of my gold. You are not allowed to see it, you are not allowed to touch it, you are not allowed to hold it."

I could see how this patterns plays out in my intimate relationships and also with people in general when I start to 'detect' that they actually like me and want to be vulnerable with and towards me: this is where I suddenly 'flip' and give signals that I am not trustworthy and they need to keep their distance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use non-trustworthyness and betrayal as mechanisms to keep people at bay and not wanting them to come close, in fear that they would actualy develop a relationship with me in which I can be open and vulnerable - because then I have no more excuse to simply be open and vulnerable.

A word of support that came up for me to walk this point of Vulnerability, is the word Surrender. In the past I could never give much use to this word, as it seemed to imply some form of giving up one's power and/or abdicating responsibility and/or going along with something over which I have no control. Yet, here it seemed appropriate and fitting. Because with Surrender I do in effect let go of control which is also a letting go of Fear.

I ended my writing last night with: "Surrender - I remain. I as all as one as equal."

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 364 - Normal Communication

I forgive myself that I have accepted  and allowed myself to use anger as a means to ‚fight‘ instead of allowing myself to be vulnerable as life and to use normal communication.

I commit myself to delve into me as the moment I wish to supress myself with fear disguised as anger.

I commit myself to play with allowing myself to be open about my experiences and concerns and to show to myself that it is okay to simply say what is the matter as a matter of communication, instead of screaming and ‚defense‘.

I commit myself to use communication as a painting, which means precision and self-intimacy and patience.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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