Day 402 - Communication and Agreement

I recently finished my last bachelor exam and as I was walking back to the train station, I wanted to buy a waffle. Arriving at the kiosk, I decided against the waffle and went for a hot chocolate instead. 

When I stood on the platform, waiting for my train, I had the impression that my hot chololate did not have any taste at all. It was as if I was drinking a cup of hot water. I got annoyed and I felt cheated, because the drink was not cheap. For that price I should get an actual hot chocolate, and not 'hot water'... 

Although my first thought was to go back and talk to the Kiosk lady, I started to dismiss the idea, telling myself that it will take too long (my train would arrive in 10 minutes) and also I did not want to be "one of those people that complain". When I stopped myself from participating in these thoughts, I realised that there was still enough time before the train would arrive and that consquently I had no excuse to not at least try. 

I left the platform climbing the stairs and walked back to the kiosk. Again I had a thought of discouragement when I saw the amount of people standing in line at the kiosk. I proceeded anyway, and in doing so it appeared that only one person was actually standing in line, while the rest stood there waiting for someone else. 

When I got to speak to the kiosk lady, I made sure that I was calm and friendly. I said that I was sorry but that when I drank from the hot chocolate it simply tasted like hot water. She was like: "Oh really? Well let me make you another one then!" She made a new one from the machine, but I said to her that it still had no taste... After some back and forth communication, and her making sure that her machine was working properly, she decided to manually add extra cacao powder to the hot milk (yes, it was actual milk, not water) and this time it did taste like hot chocolate. 

I was happy that she went through the effort to fix the drink. For some reason had I expected that she would be stingy about the whole issue and that the conversation would be not so pleasant at all - but this proved to be entirely unfounded. She was very mature about the whole thing and vey accomodating. 

Afterwads I was happy that I had made the step to communicate, instead of simply accepting the experience of feeling 'cheated'. This way I gave both myself and the lady the opportunity to give the best of ourselves, instead of blocking myself with assumptions and ending up being frustrated and resentful. 

It came down to it that the machine was not distributing sufficient cacao into the drink - and it was the first time someone actually said something about it to her. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online writing and self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 398 - My Journey into Spain - First Chapter

Normally when I travel abroad, I prefer to stay more or less in one location and not move around too much. But this time, the suggestion came up that I should 'travel around' and explore the country. I have never done this before on my own. With my partner we did travel to countries and we traveled around, but the initiation and the movement would come from my partner and I would just 'ride along'. 

Within my personality I have quite a bit of 'fears' as regards 'unpredictable things' that can happen whilst traveling, consequently for me to do this ony my own was an important step. When I leanred that I would not be able to travel to Panama less than 24 hours before the departure flight, I looked at the situation and talking with my partner, I decided that I wanted to travel to Spain instead. I had 2 weeks of holiday ahead of me and it was the middle of the summer. In a way it was perfect. 

So within the span of one day, I booked a one way ticket to Barcelona plus a hotel for 4 nights in the city. I did not know what I would do after those 4 nights nor did I know when I would fly home. But most likely I would after those 4 days, hire a car and travel to other places and then see when I would be ready to return home. I just had to make sure I'd be back after two weeks. 

The benefit was that my suitcase was already packed for a 2-week holiday. I simply had to replace some stuff and do some different paperwork as regards traveling to Spain. I enjoyed being able to simply book a flight and not know exactly when I'd return home. Many people do this type of traveling already in their twenties, but as I said, for me it was all new. 

What was interesting within this trip is that I knew where my fears and insecurities were. I knew that I would have to deliberately move myself to challenge myself and not fall back into comfort zones and fears of the unknown. In that sense my trip was quite expansive, because I did succeed in identifying those moments where I usually 'back off' in fear and instead guided myself to take small leaps of faith. 

The rest of my amazing journey will be posted on this blog in days to come. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 397 - On the Fear of RIDICULE

I recently re-watched an old episode from a Belgian satire series (called 'In de Gloria'), of which I had already seen all the episodes more than 10 years ago. What struck me this time around is one particular sketch that was presented as an 'interview' of a woman and her husband. The woman was going to her local church every Sunday and singing along with the choir, but the choir leader and the priest had 'stepped in' to have her remain silent during the singing because her singing was experienced as 'disruptive'. The interview starts out as being rather funny, but as the interview continued I realised there was also an 'innocent' element within the story.  

Upon her receiving the news that she was no longer allowed to sing, her husband went to buy a synthesizer in the store to help her with rythm. What is intended within the interview is for both the woman and her husband to be 'ridiculous', because of the way that they express themselves. Yet, one point I found interesting within the story/interview: which was that the husband was actually supporting his wife to deal with her problem. Meaning, he took equal ownership of the issue and they literally worked at it together because it was that important for his wife. So, what stood out for me is the quality of the collaboration between the man and the wife and how they stood as a team, even though their endevour might seem ridiculous to external observers. I actually found this last dimension to be completely irrelevant and actually besides the point.  

In reality what was being shown is how much a person can care for another person that they will walk a point like that together. Indeed, when the intent is pure, is does not matter what it looks like to external observers. Consequently, what the interview is actually revealing is that we will often not unconditionally support those that we care about because of the fear of ridicule. What does that say about us? 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 391 - A Practical Approach to Making Decisions

In the early years of my process I often made the mistake of using my feelings to make a decision. I would try to listen to what my body says and I would interpret that experience with my mind. If right after I made a decision I would suddenly experience a negative feeling such as fear, I might get swayed and think that I made a wrong decision.

In recent years I have learned to make decisions more effectively. First of all I do not use feelings to guide me. First of all I ask myself what it is that I want and I also look at what is realistically possible. This might involve having to do research and doing some math. Sometimes the research will show that the thing I would like is not lucrative and I will then already have my answer. Other times the research will show that it is possible and then it is really up to me.

What I have learned is that sometimes a decision will be rather clear and easy to make – and sometimes it is not so clear and not so easy to make, despite all the research I did. I will off course also talk to people if I am really unclear as to what to do to get a form of external feedback. But in the end the decision will remain up to me. Here is a practical tool that I have found to be useful when making decisions: usually a decision is only really made by taking a certain action. For instance, you make your decision known to someone, or you click on a button to confirm a deal, or you post a message on a platform. 

I found that in this moment, I am able to completely slow myself down. I take a deep breath and I remain silent inside. Then, I place my awareness in my whole body and I ask myself if I am cool with this or not. If I am cool with this, then I act. If I am not cool with this, then that means that there is perhaps something that I have not yet considered. This 'being cool' with the decision then immediately translates into a physical movement: it almost happens sumultaneously: I know that I am cool with it and consequently I am doing it. I act my decision. Sometimes there will still be 'fear' in this phase, but it is like I will sit with myself and 'hold myself' and see if I am able to 'push' myself softly to walk into that descision and then there will arrive a point where suddenly I am 'ready' - an inner movement and then I act. 

This then also gives me a solid foundation to later on not ‘question‘ a decision I made. Because I know that I have made that decision in ful awareness and deliberateness. Therefore it was a specific decision and I know I can stand by it. In other words, I can trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in moments still allow 'external' feedback to guide me in my decisions – such as 'coincidences' and 'synchronicities'.

I realise and understand that coincidences and syncronicities might occur due to the nature of the system that we exist in but I cannot limit myself nor define myself according to a coincidence or synchronicity – which means I am still seeking 'the guiding hand of God', instead of me accepting and embracing my own expression and responsibility as life and what i am willing to stand by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for outward signals in moments when I am still in doubt, where I abdicate my authority to an external system to which I then become enslaved.

I realise and understand that I cannot fear my own descisions. I realise and understand that I cannot fear the consequences of my descisions. I realise and understand that I am the beginning and the end-point of my own descisions.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 381 - On the Fear of Apologising

One evening I had decided to stay a little longer at the office so that I could finish something, but as I had made this decision, I was also allowing myself to get distracted by what was happening on the workfloor around me.

One college then picked up on me being 'interested' and came standing in front of my desk with her arms up in the air, to tell me her part of the story. At this point I felt 'trapped' and I 'snapped' at the college, saying that 'I'm not interested'.

These words had a profound impact on my college and she felt deeply humiliated and angry. Within myself I kept telling myself that I was justified in my stance and that I had done 'nothing wrong'. But the following day I could clearly see that my college was still very much upset about what happened and I could feel that something had been 'destroyed'.

That's when it first occured to me that I should go and apologise to her. Notwithstanding this realisation, I continued to try and argue with myself that 'I am not to blame' and 'what if I go and apologise and then she will think that she was right and I was wrong????!!!' Basicaly I perceived that I had something to lose by going to apologise. However, it became clear rather quickly that I could no longer postpone this point and so when the moment was right I walked up to her and whent to sit next to her. I placed my hand gently on her shoulder and I said that I realised that I should not have spoken to her in that manner and that I was sorry.

I could see that she was very relieved by me saying this and that she was then able to drop all the build up anger that she had been carrying around. She said it was very good of me to come and tell her this and I promised that I will not speak like that again.

What is interesting for me in this event is that I was trying to 'place the responsibility' with the other person, claiming that they are responsible for their own emotional reactions. While this is so from an absolute perspective, the fact remained that I had actually created this turmoil in the person because I had spoken words in inconsideration. That made me equally responsible.

Additionaly, within writing this blog it became clear to me that she only had mirrored my own willingness to be distracted and not actually focus on my work and hence my so-called decision to stay longer at the office had not really been clear from the start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have snapped at my college 'because of the way she made me feel' which was 'trapped' because I had already trapped myself due to my dishonesty of claiming I had to stay longer at the office, but in reality I wanted to go home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at the time have placed money above my ability to support myself by giving time to myself as the responsibility I have to myself and to life as all as one as equal.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 359 - Directing an emotional Conversation

As I was walking out of the garage yesterday, the concierge of our building came to me and asked if all the plastic bottles lying around the backyard were mine. It had indeed been very windy for a few days and thus things had been flying around. I said: „No, because our platic bottles are alwys tight in our blue plastic bag“. The blue bag being a recycling bag which we close with a pin. I added: „You need to tell all the neighbours (in the appartment building) that they need to keep their blue bags tight and closed.“ At this point, and seemingly without hearing me, he raised his voice and shouted: „Because I am fed up of picking up all the trash all the time – it looks like a dump here again! And we keep on cleaning it!“

I had already given him the solution to his problem, so I did not further reply to his comments. I nodded my head in a neutral manner and walked on to the garage. There was a moment where a thought popped up in my head that I should at least prove to him that the bottles were not coming from us, but upon taking a breath, I saw that this would add little to the point and in fact the point was not wether or not he agreed with me the but about whether I am clear within myself about my starting point. When I was done with my business in the garage, I walked past him again and said ‚bye‘.

This showed me that when I am clear inside myself, it is very easy to direct a situation. There is no need to take on the emotions from others.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 353 - Additional Driving Lessons

Today I took an extra driving class because often times I do not feel comfortable driving in a big city.  I was mainly aware of a general feeling of anxiety when driving – not feeling at ease, always being on edge. What came through in the driving class is that I use the clutch way too often. This is interesting because the driving instructor explained that by doing so I am creating a lot of extra work while driving, which causes me to have the impression that it is too much to handle – but that is because I am making things complicated. He showed me by example that in most cases you do not need the clutch at all in the city. To demonstrate this he took the driver seat and then placed his left foot all the way on top of the dashboard, next to the steering wheel. Now he only had his right foot to operate 1 pedal, namely the breaks – and no foot to operate the clutch. In this manner he drove me for about 10 minutes though several streets with considerable amounts of traffic and I could see that what he was saying was actually so. He had full control over the car and only had to take his foot down once when he was forced to bring the car to a total halt. This was quite an eye-opener for me.  

I particularly appreciated the support given by this person because in a way he made a ‘diagnostic’ first. First he let me drive and simply observed me – then he asked me to park somewhere to start (re)teaching me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive with fear – which is partly caused by me missing information. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been too proud to seek support – not being self-honest about how I experience myself while driving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I do not deserve to make this investment in myself - thinking that I have a license already anyways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not seek support ‘when it costs money’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not seek support when I see a point is not improving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be arrogant and think I have ‘forever’ instead of making effective use of my time which starts by being humble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have started to use the clutch systematically out of fear that I have no control over the car.

I commit myself to becoming comfortable with using the breaks without using the clutch. 

I commit myself to further support myself with these driving lessons and to change my drivingpattern so that I can become an effective driver in the city and in all circumstances.

For more information about writing and self-forgiveness, visit http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 352 - Standing up from self-inferiority

Today I would like to speak about a moment where I faced great difficulty, yet where I was able to stand up within the challenge. I did this by using the tools I had learned at Desteni, by asserting myself with breathing and grounding myself physically.

Early on in my professional career I was faced with corporate hierarchies and I had to report to the managers above me. My job was salesman and I had to deliver numbers. At a certain point in time, I got a new manager and I had to learn to deal with him as a person. Due to the organisation in the company I had previously very much been left alone to deliver my results in the way that I saw fit. When the new manager was appointed, I started to experience increased levels of anxiety, as he was pressuring me to improve my output.

In general I would listen to him and value his feedback, but I also noticed that he would place expectations on me that I was seeing I would not realistically be able to fulfill. This was causing stress in me and actually creating an experience where I started to dislike my job.

Then, one day, we had a ‘quick meeting‘, standing face to face in a meetingroom. We were talking about the numbers and he brought up this point of me having to sell 20 contracts in the coming month. I knew that in the past I was able to sell 15 contracts at best, and on average I would sell 10 contracts. In that moment I was very clear that 20 contracts would not be realistic to commit to. So when he brought up the point of the 20 contracts, looking me intensely in the eyes, I focussed on remaining calm and I said in a very calm and allmost nonchalant way: Ok, I’ll do my best.

I could see that he was not happy with my answer and he leaned forward and said: „What ?!!“

At this point I became very anxious. At the same time I realised that I could not show my anxiety and that I had to take responsibility for this situation. I could feel how within my body I was trembling with fear as I was moving myself to speak. While I spoke I made sure that on the outside I remained calm and collected. Here I applied breathing and using my body to ground myself. I said to him that there were circumstances to take into consideration why the 20 contracts may not happen (in a nutshell). A few seconds later in the conversation the tension completely relaxed itself and we were having a comfortable conversation.  

This is how I was able to prove to myself that through changing the relationship with myself, I could change my relationships with others.

For more information on self-forgiveness, breathing and self-change, visit desteni and EQAFE

Day 349 - Replacing the Driver

In April I was in Spain with my parents to spend a small week with them. On one of our trips my dad who was driving the car was not feeling well, and and that point I wanted to suggest that I should drive. When him not feeling well continued I said that I should drive and my mother asked to pull over so we could switch.

At this point I was not 100 % sure that I would be able to drive this car very well because I only have been driving for 2 years plus I seldom drive during the week. Another dimension which caused slight apprehension was that I would be driving the car with 5 people (me included) which I had never done before.

However, once I started the car all seemed to go well and a few minites later we were back on the motorway continuing our trajectory.

This was an interesting experience for me because it allowed me to assess a situation and what I could contribute to the situation even though within myself I did not feel 100% confident. But because I took the step (others could have taken over the driving as well instead of me) it allowed me to expand myself in the point of driving and gain trust within myself.

What I also realised is that when I take responsibility in a point then others will become supportive. For instance when I took the wheel my dad took the seat next to me and now and then would give me little pointers or ask me to slow down as the car was on the large side and not very powerful. This was a nice form of collaboration and I appreciated my dad and the gentleness of his support.

This was a cool instance for me of 'seeing an opportunity' and 'seizing the opportunity', where sometimes we simply have to move through a fear in an unexpected moment and then all we can do is be self-honest and take the leap.

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