Day 400 - My Journey into Spain - Third Chapter

I was sitting in the car on a parking lot. I had reached the city of Girona. It was incredibly hot and being stressed I did not think of turning on the airco while I was looking at my phone. I had gone into a gloomy experience of myself, because based on my first impression of the outer area of the city, I had created the idea that the city was basically boring.

As I was allowing myself to sink further into this gloominess, I saw that my partner had sent me a text asking me where I was and what I was up to. In hindsight it was interesting to see how easily I was allowing myself to ‘give up’ and basically create an experience of myself where I felt ‘stuck’. I answered her that I was at the doorstep of Girona and that I was looking at what to do… She immediately wrote back saying that Girona is a beautiful city with lots to see and that I should stay there! The enthusiasm of her message made me realise that I was using flimsy perceptions to influence me in my self-direction. (she had already told me before that the city was worthwhile) I snapped out of my lethargy and started looking for hotels. Soon enough I found a nice hotel at a nice (last minute) discount price in the middle of the city with access to an underground parking nearby.

I was amazed at the fact that I was able to book a hotel right there in the car, simply by using the internet on my phone and a credit card. On top of that the hotel immediately wrote me in WhatsApp to give me some instructions and directions... It is only a year or so ago that I bought a smartphone that is really efficient enough to be used as a smartphone (My previous phone was 6 years old and not working anymore). This allows me to actually use all the ‘features’ and apps in a nice way – as a result of this I have started to use my phone much more. By hanging on to an old phone that was partially dysfunctional, it was as if I was refusing to use all the resources that were available to me in the world, simply because I was ‘judging’ how the world had changed as a result of the widespread use of smartphones. The truth is that without my new phone my journey into Spain would have been not so easy.  

The hotel in Girona (Condall Hotel) was very pleasant and it was actually one of my best hotel experiences ever, even despite there being no breakfast. The room was bright, neat and clean, with a nice street view. I immediately felt ‘at home’. I was happy and content with myself for being in the place where I was. Again, it is amazing to realise how we can let ourselves be influenced by a perception, a small point, which will then determine our total experience, like a veil we pull over our eyes.

The weather continued to be very warm and I walked to the tourist office in the city centre. I received a map and a rough outline of what I could expect to find in the city. The rest of the day I spent walking from one historical site to another. I was impressed by the amount and the beauty of the sites and in the evening I walked to a jazzcafè where a band would be playing. I arrived an hour late but the band hadn't started yet. Even though I was told that the place was 'full' and that I had no 'reservation' I did not allow that to discourage me. I said in Spanish that it didn't matter and that I would listen from behind the fence then! (they had build a little fence around the outdoor seating area) The lady at the entrance then proceeded to give me one of their foldable chairs anyways and I set myself down just next to the fence, being able to perfectly see the concert and enjoy the music. I had a great time.

Because Girona was fairly small (compared to Barcelona) I projected that I should also make some excursions by car left and right. By looking on the internet I found a small beach (Platja Fonda) that seemed fun to drive to and that’s exactly what I did the next day. I got up early enough to make sure I would find a parking spot and off I was…

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 382 - Gollum and the Ring

A statement that came up within me yesterday while we were discussing the Symbolism in the Lord of the Rings, was: "You are not worthy of my gold." And I wrote down that statement. 

Within this, was contained the attitude of Gollum towards his Ring made from gold, which he would cherish in secret and share with no-one. The statement I wrote down reflected how I could myself relate towards Gollum and his Ring, where the Ring represents a part of me where I 'let no-one in', I keep it to myself and I use fierce anger to push those away who try to come near.

Later, when doing my writing in my bed, I continued: "You are not worthy of my gold. You are not allowed to see it, you are not allowed to touch it, you are not allowed to hold it."

I could see how this patterns plays out in my intimate relationships and also with people in general when I start to 'detect' that they actually like me and want to be vulnerable with and towards me: this is where I suddenly 'flip' and give signals that I am not trustworthy and they need to keep their distance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use non-trustworthyness and betrayal as mechanisms to keep people at bay and not wanting them to come close, in fear that they would actualy develop a relationship with me in which I can be open and vulnerable - because then I have no more excuse to simply be open and vulnerable.

A word of support that came up for me to walk this point of Vulnerability, is the word Surrender. In the past I could never give much use to this word, as it seemed to imply some form of giving up one's power and/or abdicating responsibility and/or going along with something over which I have no control. Yet, here it seemed appropriate and fitting. Because with Surrender I do in effect let go of control which is also a letting go of Fear.

I ended my writing last night with: "Surrender - I remain. I as all as one as equal."

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 381 - On the Fear of Apologising

One evening I had decided to stay a little longer at the office so that I could finish something, but as I had made this decision, I was also allowing myself to get distracted by what was happening on the workfloor around me.

One college then picked up on me being 'interested' and came standing in front of my desk with her arms up in the air, to tell me her part of the story. At this point I felt 'trapped' and I 'snapped' at the college, saying that 'I'm not interested'.

These words had a profound impact on my college and she felt deeply humiliated and angry. Within myself I kept telling myself that I was justified in my stance and that I had done 'nothing wrong'. But the following day I could clearly see that my college was still very much upset about what happened and I could feel that something had been 'destroyed'.

That's when it first occured to me that I should go and apologise to her. Notwithstanding this realisation, I continued to try and argue with myself that 'I am not to blame' and 'what if I go and apologise and then she will think that she was right and I was wrong????!!!' Basicaly I perceived that I had something to lose by going to apologise. However, it became clear rather quickly that I could no longer postpone this point and so when the moment was right I walked up to her and whent to sit next to her. I placed my hand gently on her shoulder and I said that I realised that I should not have spoken to her in that manner and that I was sorry.

I could see that she was very relieved by me saying this and that she was then able to drop all the build up anger that she had been carrying around. She said it was very good of me to come and tell her this and I promised that I will not speak like that again.

What is interesting for me in this event is that I was trying to 'place the responsibility' with the other person, claiming that they are responsible for their own emotional reactions. While this is so from an absolute perspective, the fact remained that I had actually created this turmoil in the person because I had spoken words in inconsideration. That made me equally responsible.

Additionaly, within writing this blog it became clear to me that she only had mirrored my own willingness to be distracted and not actually focus on my work and hence my so-called decision to stay longer at the office had not really been clear from the start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have snapped at my college 'because of the way she made me feel' which was 'trapped' because I had already trapped myself due to my dishonesty of claiming I had to stay longer at the office, but in reality I wanted to go home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at the time have placed money above my ability to support myself by giving time to myself as the responsibility I have to myself and to life as all as one as equal.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 378 - Remaining calm as a situation escalates

In one of my former jobs, one day a conflict with screaming and lots of emotion emerged on the workfloor. At first there was tension as two colleges were starting to exchange words and one could feel the tension escalating between the two of them. Then a third person got involved and when he got involved he eventually lost his temper and him and one other person stood literally screaming on the top of their lungs on the workfloor.  Me, and I am sure many others who were present, had never witnessed anything like this before.

I was sitting 2 meters away from them as this unfolded and accross from me sat a younger college who was trying to stay focussed on her work. As this unfolded and the screaming started, I knew within myself that it was my job and my responsibility to focus on my breathing and to remain stable, calm and to stop any and all fear and panic that I was experiencing as the two other people were allowing themselves to become hectic.

In a way I was not in a position to 'stand up' and intervene. That was not my place nor was it my point of power in this particular situation. I did not even have words coming up within me that could be of any benefit in that given situation. I was pretty certain that intervening would only create more emotions and chaos. There was also a 'risk' because one of the people screaming was simply my boss.

Therefore I continued to focus on my breathing and simply staying focussed on my screen, even though I was not able within myself to 'pretend' that nothing was going on and actually get my work done. None the less I made it so that my presence would be that of someone who is not affected by what is going on. I held myself and my body stable and simply breathe. This went on for quite some time.

After the emotional storm had passed, there was a moment where I questioned myself and whether I should not have stepped in and 'said something'. But what remained was the stability within my silence and I felt like I had 'no insight'. Afterwards the young college who sat accross from me stood up and said she was so gratefull that I had been there because I stayed so calm. This is where I realised that in certain cases we do not assist and support people by 'doing great things' but simply by standing firm within our principle of remaining stable and calm no matter what happens.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 377 - My Trip to Panama 2020 (Part 1)

After reading a blog that talked about the regrets one would have if one died right now, I realised that the one thing I would regret the most, was that I had not yet visited my family in Panama.

When I realised this, I made an instructional note in my daily diary and the following day I started making all the practical arrangements (such as confirming with my family when I could come and booking the flights) to visit my family early this year.

It is interesting that the contemplation of death puts us in a position of looking at our lives from an absolute startingpoint and being able to see clearly what it is we are suppressing or not allowing ourselves to live.

I have now been in Panama for almost 2 weeks and I have enjoyed myself a lot. I was able to reconnect with my family and friends. With and through this visit I have moved around a lot of points within myself. Some of them through actively discussing a topic and others through observing the solutions and the example that others are living and standing as.

Even though I could not stay as long as I would have wanted to, I am very thankful for having made this voyage. For me it made a lot of points 'come together' and I will in the future continue to visit.

Today is one of the last days of my stay and in the morning I had felt a weird pressure within myself, a 'restlesness'. Initially I did not know how to direct myself, so I decided to go work in the garden for a moment to get out of my head. Afterwards I discussed my experience with my sister and what I realised is that I actually regret having to go home again. So, on my next trip I will arrange myself to be able to stay a bit longer if I can. The nature is quite outstanding and there is no comparison to the city-life environment back at home.

What I also faced during this trip is having the 'courage' to not study for one day or two. Normally I would not feel good about that at all. Meaning: unless there were circumstances that 'prevent' me from studying I will expect myself to study every day. But I must also have the ability to say 'stop' to myself for a few days and simply shift my focus and 'experience' different things. This is where I create stress for myself back at home as well.

Another suggestion that was given to me here is to enroll for a Tai Chi class. I have often heard of Tai Chi but ever since I was a child (and was practising Karaté) I felt apprehensive towards Tai Chi, because I would judge it as being 'too soft' and 'unpractical' (even though I have never done it). Yet in discussing this with my sisters I have gained a new perspective on this 'sport' and hence I will take classess when I am back at home.

I have also started to read an interesting book called 'The Book of Mirdad' by Mikhail Naimy, which Leila kept talking about and I can see how this book gives very practical life lessons and as such is a very good guide to process. I am looking forward to read the rest of the book.

(written on 19 february 2020)

To be continued...

Day 376 - New Year's Hesitations 2020

Yesterday we went dancing for New Year's Eve. We had a good time, but in order for us to get to the decision of what we wanted to do - it was a painful process.

A week or so ago I had committed to finding us a venue where we can go and dance on NYE. The problem was that after having made that statement, I did not do one single thing that would contribute to this outcome.

When I looked at this point this morning, I could see that there had been no clear commitment on my part to actually make it happen, to make it work. When it came down to it, I didn't care. Now I could tell myself that I am not a kind person for whom this celebration is very important, but that is all besides the point because the reality is that I had said that I would 'find something' - and in the moment of doing so I also actually wanted for us to go dancing as well.

In other words I 'wanted something' but I did not want to take 'responsibility for it'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want something but not have the courage to take responsibility for it - to own up to it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty if I were to spend time on finding a place to dance on NYE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse the responsibility for organising our evening, because 'what if I fail' - 'what if my partner does not like it'.

And so it happened that yesterday, realising that I had to take responsibility, I simply took a deep breath and said: Let's go to T&T to dance. This is something I had come across on the internet but that I had remained undecided about because I thought it was expensive. Yet, within suggesting this option for us - I was clear within myself that this was a good idea. In other words, I was perfectly able to direct this point, but I simply had postponed the point of taking responsibility. When I took my breath and I looked within myself, I asked myself what would I like myself - what is it that I am willing to do tonight? Only after I embraced the full responsibility, and with that the possibility that my partner would not like what I would recommend, did I have access to clarity.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 375 - No Ready Perspective

It has often happened that my partner would come to me with a problem that she is facing and she would ask me for perspective. In the past I would often 'freeze' inside because I did not see myself as capable to offer an informed perspective that would actually support her. I thought I did not have enough experience in regards to what she was facing. But what I realised is that I cannot hide behind this excuse. I am responsible and I have the ability to speak. Often times what was required was not that I have 'the answer' in an absolute sense or even a 'ready perspective' - but simply that I stand with my partner in looking at the point she is facing. Because then whatever I say will set something 'in motion' that will assist my partner in shifting her perspective and then a further perspective can come either from herself or from me.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 374 - You need to work faster

I had a dream where I am sitting with a college and he is telling me: you need to move/work faster.

After I woke up, I looked at this statement and my experience within it - and at first I was looking at justifying that this is 'only based on fears' and purely coming from my own mind, but in hinsight I see there is more to this.

I realise that the way this is being said to me is like a point of 'no choice' and it was made clear that this has to happen 'no matter what'. Within myself I perceive that I somehow still have a 'choice' : in the moment of saying yes I will do it, in terms of actually comitting to it - I hold back.

In terms of referencing my dream back to reality: One could say that the pace at which I move myself is 'acceptable' but in reality I know that I can do better: in other words there are many moments where I see that I could be moving myself much more effectively.

I commit myself to break down into details what it would mean for me practically to work/move faster.

I commit myself to find and map out all the little points and moments where I sabotage my own self-movement - by distracting myself and being diverted - breaking my own flow.

I commit myself to removing all the hurdles and limitations that would prevent me from working in a way where I honor myself by being effective and diligent in my work.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 372 - When an inner Clue opens up

Today, after having come home from work and having eaten, I say at my desk and looked at what it is I was going to do next. Initially I was more considering to 'watch a movie' because within myself I felt that I had spent a lot of time working in the last few days and that I needed something else. I also felt quite tired so I did not see myself studying this evening. Then what happened is that in a flash moment an experience opened up in me - where I was looking at finally opening the box with the miniature car I had bought and making a start with assembling it.

This box had been lying on my shelf for a few months now, because I had indeed been very busy on many fronts and I always thought that now is not the right time and in general I perceived that it would take too much time.

However, within me having this flash-moment experience of seeing myself working on the model car, was also the implied understanding that this evening I actually had a moment of spare time to actually start with assembling the car.

Interestingly I initially resisted this clue I was giving myself. I told myself that it would be much easier and straight-forward if I just put on a movie and watch a movie for the rest of the evening. This was interesting. I looked at the experience within myself in regards to the consideration I had given to assembling the model car. When I looked as this experience, I saw that it did not manifest as a 'desire' or an 'urge' or a 'need' - but as a simple 'liking'. Within myself I was also judging this experience as something that would be 'more work' - instead of 'enjoyment' and 'relaxation'. However, I decided to discard the pretense that a film would be more fun than to start assembling the model car. I decided to go with my inner clue - even though it seemed like it would be 'work'.

As soon as I had set myself up with the materials which I needed to get started with the model car I realised that this was the better decision and that I was really enjoying myself - there is something in the small detailed parts that triggers my interest and curiosity and where I am in contact with a different part of myself. I realised that I do not connect with myself on this level when I simply watch a movie. And yes, it did require some attention and focus in order to get the first parts glued - but there was no pressure in terms of how much I should be doing today, so I stopped after having completed some of the main parts of the engin, after 25 minutes or so and I was starting to feel tired.

What I learned from this is that what 'supports me most' in a moment is not necessarily going to be the thing that is the easiest in a given cicumstance, but that within myself I am able to challenge myself slightly to move out of a perceived comfort zone and get creative. This is how I am exploring parts of myself that I would have in the past dismissed. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 371 - Surviving in Outer Space

It is interesting that we find thrill within stories that project hopeless situations with struggle for survival and a race against time. But what about the hundred thousands who cross the seas on boats in hope for a chance at survival, knowing full well they might die at sea - and they do it anyway and thousands drown every year. But we complain about immigration instead, and go to the movies to watch a story about surviving in outer space.

Day 369 - When we Decide to Make something Work

Today I was looking at my backpack again, as it was lying in the room.

Suddenly I did not like the idea anymore of bringing it to someone for repairing. The zipper was no longer in place and was coming off as well on certain ends. I had judged that the job would have been too complicated for me.

Today however, I realised that I can do this. I need to simply push myself and do it.

And lo and behold, as I took out my little sewing kit and started working on the backpack, it becamed clear rather quickly how I should best stich. This is because I had made a decision to fix the bag, instead of allowing myelf to be 'confused and 'undecided'.

As long as I am waivering and hesitant as to the point of responsibility, I will prevent myself from seeing the detail of the solution. I will make it 'confusing' and 'too complicated'.

I would have taken my backpack to a person or a store and I would have had to run around to find the right person or store and they would have charged me money - and within that I would have learned nothing. So, when I was looking at my backpack today there was a point of: I am not accepting this and so I made a decision.

So, what this point has showed me is that the critical part is to actually make a decision instead of letting a point 'sit' in 'no mans land'. I direct it - I bring the point as far as I can take it.

A similar point happened with the guitar I had bought a while ago. I buy a guitar. I am happy. Then I have to tune the guitar. Then it didn't quite work out. Then I was unhappy. Then I started dreading the process of tuning the guitar because of my expereince and having build 'uncertainty' in regards to the process and ALSO thinking that 'it will probably not work' and 'maybe I will have to ask someone to do it for me.' I left the guitar untuned and untouched for many months.

But then, one day I simply took the guitar and started tuning it - I said to myself that 'I am just going to tune it'. And although things did not work 'perfectly' I made enormous headway in tuning the guitar simply because I hade made a decision.

I found that when my starting point changes then 'everything' changes, the tools that I am using they 'change' -  the tuner I was using, now was willing to collaborate - but instead of only relying on the tuner, I would also use my common sense, I would listen to the sound of the strings - suddenly any and all limitation is just irrelevant. Suddenly I am resourceful. Why? Because I have made a decision.

Interesting the power we have - when we decide to make something work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone things because I actually do not see myself able to do it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that postponing is the first step of giving up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone as a way to hide from myself that I am giving up.

I commit myself to identify where I am postponing and abdicating responsibility - and give to myself the gift of making a simple yet effective decision.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 366 - Notes on 'Expectations'

I investigated myself within 'expectations' - these are notes from my notebook. 

"Irritation – acceptance and allowance: expectations – not being realistic.

Being stubborn in the face of reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in expectation, as the expectation of an outcome or an experience – instead of getting to know my reality and being flexible in regards to what I expect.

I see, realise and understand that expecation weakens me – and compromises me, as I fight for my expectations – instead of letting go in 1 moment.

Responding to what is actually here – instead of chasing a delusion as mindfuck."

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 364 - Normal Communication

I forgive myself that I have accepted  and allowed myself to use anger as a means to ‚fight‘ instead of allowing myself to be vulnerable as life and to use normal communication.

I commit myself to delve into me as the moment I wish to supress myself with fear disguised as anger.

I commit myself to play with allowing myself to be open about my experiences and concerns and to show to myself that it is okay to simply say what is the matter as a matter of communication, instead of screaming and ‚defense‘.

I commit myself to use communication as a painting, which means precision and self-intimacy and patience.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 363 - Ping Pong always Wrong

Here are a few lines I wrote in relation to a pattern of going into conflict with 'words' and wanting to be acknowledged:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a ping pong game of righteousness.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself participating in ping-pong as energy and 'competition' I stop and breathe, and I let the moment pass.

I realise and understand there is nothing to win as I am already here.

I commit myself to speak words in clarity, stability and from a startingpoint of one and equal respect for myself and life.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 360 - Impatience within Teaching

Here is some self-forgiveness I wrote about a pattern of being impatient when assisting my partner with learning a language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient when F does not understand what I mean and I will think that she is deliberately doubting me and trying to know better – instead of stopping my judgment and assumptions and simply realise that she is learning and she will not understand everything from the get go.

I commit myself to be patient and to teach like I would like to be taught.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations about the other when I explain something – instead of allowing the teaching to actually flow as the interaction between me and F for both of us to learn. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 359 - Directing an emotional Conversation

As I was walking out of the garage yesterday, the concierge of our building came to me and asked if all the plastic bottles lying around the backyard were mine. It had indeed been very windy for a few days and thus things had been flying around. I said: „No, because our platic bottles are alwys tight in our blue plastic bag“. The blue bag being a recycling bag which we close with a pin. I added: „You need to tell all the neighbours (in the appartment building) that they need to keep their blue bags tight and closed.“ At this point, and seemingly without hearing me, he raised his voice and shouted: „Because I am fed up of picking up all the trash all the time – it looks like a dump here again! And we keep on cleaning it!“

I had already given him the solution to his problem, so I did not further reply to his comments. I nodded my head in a neutral manner and walked on to the garage. There was a moment where a thought popped up in my head that I should at least prove to him that the bottles were not coming from us, but upon taking a breath, I saw that this would add little to the point and in fact the point was not wether or not he agreed with me the but about whether I am clear within myself about my starting point. When I was done with my business in the garage, I walked past him again and said ‚bye‘.

This showed me that when I am clear inside myself, it is very easy to direct a situation. There is no need to take on the emotions from others.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 358 - Patience and Self-Reliance

A few nights ago I could not sleep as I was feeling uncertain about a decision I needed to make. I realized that whatever I do I need to be clear in my starting point, specifically I cannot allow any self-deception to influence me in my decision. There was also a sense of urgency, as I would not be able to postpone this decision for much longer. Within this I was feeling quite ‘shaken’ and because I had been very preoccupied about this point I was also feeling exhausted. A part of me simply wanted to go to bed and ‘give myself a break from this experience’ and ‘finally rest’ – however I kept on lying wide awake in bed, unable to calm myself down.

I had already written about the issue at hand throughout the day more than once, therefore I initially dismissed to go back to writing. In a way I was facing a point where in the past I would have written to Bernard and asked him for a perspective – and this desire to get someone else to clarify the situation ‘for me’ still existed. In fact I had already received input from my partner on the matter I was dealing with on that day, and there was even a thought for a moment that I could go and ‘ask her again’. But within all this there was fundamentally an unwillingness in myself to take responsibility for the situation I was dealing with.

I realized that it is up to me to create the clarity I need. I therefore got out of bed and got my notebook to make additional notes on the point. I directed myself to look at the issue and initially I still found no clarity – I was still nervous and uncertain. When I was done making notes I put my book aside and went back to bed. I could feel that the point was still brewing in me – I forgave myself for feeling helpless and used breathing to stabilize myself. After 10 or 15 more minutes of lying down, suddenly the point shifted within me and it made a ‘click’ like a puzzle piece that fits. I suddenly had found a way to see which choice would be best for all and with this satisfied feeling I became very calm and finally was able to go to sleep.

This experience showed me that I have to be able to show extreme patience with myself and that even when there are no immediate results and things seem very bad, that is no excuse to give up on my own support. Even though I did not know what to do in an absolute sense – because I kept on supporting myself against all odds, the answer then later on revealed itself ‘by itself’. Had I run and asked for ‘help’ I would have missed the point of creating self-reliance and the realization that I have the capacity to give myself perspective and establish clarity. Because underlying all this was also the question I asked myself: one day I must inevitably become able to give clarity to myself on difficult issues – it cannot be that I remain eternally enslaved to ‘asking others for perspective’ – because that means that I remain ‘confused’ instead of developing self-insight and self-trust. If Bernard could do it then – eventually – I must also be able to do it.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 357 - From irritation to Equality

We had planned on making a little trip outside of town and go for a walk. We had made preparations in terms of the trajectory along which we would be walking and also where we would be parking the car.

When we arrived we wanted to determine the starting point of the walking trajectory. We were still sitting in the car and looking at a little map on one of our phones. At the same time I was working from memory regarding the plan I had seen on the computer earlier and I had also seen how this correlated with the street map on our GPS system in the car. Based on this I was sure about where exactly the starting point of the walking trajectory was in relation to the car. I told my partner and wanted us to move on and get out of the car.

To my partner however, my assessment was not entirely clear and she was not convinced that my direction was correct. In this moment I started to experience irritation because I was within myself justifying that I was ‘certain’ and therefore my partner was irresponsible in wanting us to spend more time on determining the beginning of the trajectory, so my backchat went.

At the same time I realized there had been countless situations where I had perceived myself to be correct about a point which then later on turned out to be ‘incorrect’. Therefore I calmed myself down with breathing and started to explain patiently to my partner, using all the tools we had available, the phone and the GPS – also getting out of the car myself to verify the streetnames outside - until she actually arrived at the same conclusion that I had come to.  Then, we were both on equal footing and together we left the car and started our walking trajectory.

This to me was a little victory, because it showed me how easily I would have let something so small turn into a point of friction and conflict – instead of applying humbleness and within that creating equality. And how much more enjoyable it was to simply be patient and share and communicate than to become emotional. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 355 - Remembering an EQAFE Interview

It has been a while that I have been wanting to share this experience I had with an EQAFE interview, yet have been unable to, due to many changes in my life that are now slowly coming to an end.

One day I was sitting with my partner. I had come to sit with her because she was dealing with a point. This point in question was a point she had been bringing up more than once, and in the back of my mind there was already a judgment about 'not this point again'.

As she was speaking her concerns and her considerations, which were initially the same as I had heard previously (so I told myself) – I started to feel a pressure within myself to ‘intervene‘  and ask her to ‘calm down‘ and telling her that she was being ‘emotional‘. Within her words there was a certain agitation based on the unresolvedness of this conflcit and I could feel that she felt ’stuck‘ with this point.

Normally I would have given in to the temptation to start ’interrupting‘ and ‘speaking‘ under the pretext of ’supporting the person‘ (but in reality only as an attempt to control her as a way to stop my own un-ease with the situation) – yet in that moment a message from an EQAFE interview came up within me, I recalled it and saw how I could use it in this moment.

The EQAFE interview (I do not recall the name of it) was about that we sometimes need to be patient when dealing with our own mind. In the interview an example was given of a child trowing a tantrum and how one cannot simply expect the child to stop ‚in one moment‘ but that it may be required for the child to `act out the energies and the tantrum before he can start to stabilize himself again‘ – in other words: sometimes it is required to let the energies simply run out. In the interview it was then suggested that we take a similar approach with ourselves, when finding ourselves in an energetic or emotional state: it may be required for us to run out the energies first before we can start to create stability and clarity within ourselves again.

Back to the situation with my partner: Without me basically saying or doing anything – but simply by remaining quiet and letting my partner speak - , she eventually regained stability within herself which I could hear in her words as she was continuing to speak. Not only did she regain stability within herself but she was even able to move further than that and ended up formulating a solution to the inner conflict – without me contributing even a single word. As this happened I realised what I had done in the previous instances and how I had actually prevented the person from resolving her issue. I had actually misunderstood my role: my role was not to ’try and help‘ the person but to simply ’let her be‘ and ’give her the space and time‘ to develop her own insight. I had to sctually stand back and let her speak to me. That was my role.

For more information about EQAFE interviews, please visit: https://eqafe.com 

Day 354 - Self-directive statements -- Jobsearch

These are the self-directive statements I wrote today to support me with clarity and stability: 

I commit myself to using common sense within my jobsearch and not allow fear and panic to direct me.

I commit myself to consider potential offerings with common sense.

I commit myself to use patience and breathing while exploring job opportunities.

I commit myself to do what is best for all within accepting or not accepting a job offering.

I commit myself to be realistic within my decision to accept or not accept a job offering. 

For more information about self-supportive writing, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com