Day 386 - Humanity's Comfort Zone

A point that I am working with is the repeated pattern of resisting and trying to avoid to explore certain area's of reality when they come into my world in a way that I did not plan for. 

For instance this evening my partner brought up the issue regarding the squeecking doorhandles and that we could use this time to fix that: I immediately started to lament that this is not what I had planned for my evening and I even did not believe that we would be able to accomplish resuslts in working on this problem. Hence in my approach towards myself and the situation I was not even giving us a chance. 

But lo and behold, in doing some brief research online my partner figured out how to take off the door handles and even how to take out the entire mechanism of the inner lock. We looked at it, discussed it, lubricated the parts, cleaned everything, put the parts back on the door and there was no more squeeking sound... I was indeed proud in the end that we had spend our evening in solving this problem rather then letting the opportunity go by. 

But underneath the pride was also shame that I had not simply seen the opportunity for what it was and that I had fought for my limitation. Why must I default into arguing for my limitations? What is the point of simply existing in this pattern and not changing? It is funny because in the moment of 'not wanting to' and 'giving reasons why' I already know deep down that I am just postponing to change myself - it is as if I am stating to myself and the world: not right now, I am not ready yet right now -- I will change 'later'. 

The point I need to change in myself is the moment where the 'dread' comes up towards doing something unplanned and out of my comfort zone - I need to unconditionally let go and breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and fool myself into believing that I am not ready for a point or a change, because in me being able to see the potential of change per definition means that I am already ready and that I am just wasting my own time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and hide inside a comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my comfort zones.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to be pushed outside of my comfort zones.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my comfort zones protect me and make me feel good - when in reality they leave me with shame and regret towards missed opportunities where I could grow and expand and reach my full potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust a mushy feeling inside myself intstead of breathing and using common sense to decide on an opportunity and a course of action.

I realise and understand that the feeling that says 'no, I don't want to' is actually fear and limitation and unecessary for me to go into. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my decisions based on how I feel instead of what I can actually see and sense would be a good opportunity for me to 'change' and step outside of a self-confined comfort-zone.

I commit myself to walk in clarity of this point and actually slow down and breathe when looking at a decision that 'throws me off' or 'puts me out of my comfort zone' -- I breathe and remain practical, I look at what is actually possible and what it is I can do.  

----------------------------------------------------------

For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

---------------------------------------------------------- 

Day 376 - New Year's Hesitations 2020

Yesterday we went dancing for New Year's Eve. We had a good time, but in order for us to get to the decision of what we wanted to do - it was a painful process.

A week or so ago I had committed to finding us a venue where we can go and dance on NYE. The problem was that after having made that statement, I did not do one single thing that would contribute to this outcome.

When I looked at this point this morning, I could see that there had been no clear commitment on my part to actually make it happen, to make it work. When it came down to it, I didn't care. Now I could tell myself that I am not a kind person for whom this celebration is very important, but that is all besides the point because the reality is that I had said that I would 'find something' - and in the moment of doing so I also actually wanted for us to go dancing as well.

In other words I 'wanted something' but I did not want to take 'responsibility for it'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want something but not have the courage to take responsibility for it - to own up to it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty if I were to spend time on finding a place to dance on NYE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse the responsibility for organising our evening, because 'what if I fail' - 'what if my partner does not like it'.

And so it happened that yesterday, realising that I had to take responsibility, I simply took a deep breath and said: Let's go to T&T to dance. This is something I had come across on the internet but that I had remained undecided about because I thought it was expensive. Yet, within suggesting this option for us - I was clear within myself that this was a good idea. In other words, I was perfectly able to direct this point, but I simply had postponed the point of taking responsibility. When I took my breath and I looked within myself, I asked myself what would I like myself - what is it that I am willing to do tonight? Only after I embraced the full responsibility, and with that the possibility that my partner would not like what I would recommend, did I have access to clarity.

-----------------------------------------------------------

For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

-----------------------------------------------------------

Day 369 - When we Decide to Make something Work

Today I was looking at my backpack again, as it was lying in the room.

Suddenly I did not like the idea anymore of bringing it to someone for repairing. The zipper was no longer in place and was coming off as well on certain ends. I had judged that the job would have been too complicated for me.

Today however, I realised that I can do this. I need to simply push myself and do it.

And lo and behold, as I took out my little sewing kit and started working on the backpack, it becamed clear rather quickly how I should best stich. This is because I had made a decision to fix the bag, instead of allowing myelf to be 'confused and 'undecided'.

As long as I am waivering and hesitant as to the point of responsibility, I will prevent myself from seeing the detail of the solution. I will make it 'confusing' and 'too complicated'.

I would have taken my backpack to a person or a store and I would have had to run around to find the right person or store and they would have charged me money - and within that I would have learned nothing. So, when I was looking at my backpack today there was a point of: I am not accepting this and so I made a decision.

So, what this point has showed me is that the critical part is to actually make a decision instead of letting a point 'sit' in 'no mans land'. I direct it - I bring the point as far as I can take it.

A similar point happened with the guitar I had bought a while ago. I buy a guitar. I am happy. Then I have to tune the guitar. Then it didn't quite work out. Then I was unhappy. Then I started dreading the process of tuning the guitar because of my expereince and having build 'uncertainty' in regards to the process and ALSO thinking that 'it will probably not work' and 'maybe I will have to ask someone to do it for me.' I left the guitar untuned and untouched for many months.

But then, one day I simply took the guitar and started tuning it - I said to myself that 'I am just going to tune it'. And although things did not work 'perfectly' I made enormous headway in tuning the guitar simply because I hade made a decision.

I found that when my starting point changes then 'everything' changes, the tools that I am using they 'change' -  the tuner I was using, now was willing to collaborate - but instead of only relying on the tuner, I would also use my common sense, I would listen to the sound of the strings - suddenly any and all limitation is just irrelevant. Suddenly I am resourceful. Why? Because I have made a decision.

Interesting the power we have - when we decide to make something work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone things because I actually do not see myself able to do it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that postponing is the first step of giving up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone as a way to hide from myself that I am giving up.

I commit myself to identify where I am postponing and abdicating responsibility - and give to myself the gift of making a simple yet effective decision.

-----------------------------------------------------------

For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

-----------------------------------------------------------