Day 408 - Laurence Dervaux EXPO in Charleroi

Today I was fortunate to be able to see an exhibition in Charleroi from the Belgian artist Laurence Dervaux. The works in the exhibition were centered around the theme of the ‘liquids’ within the human body (such as blood, water, etc.) and the ‘fragility’ of the human body as a system that depends on these liquids.

When I entered the first room I immediately had to think of the book ‘Dune’ in which the scarcity of water, and how to frantically keep and recycle it, is such a central theme. But that was not so much the intention of the artist, as the entire installation functioned more as a metaphor for the entire human body through which liquids travel and are contained.

One of the smaller pieces, which looked like a network of blood vessels in the shape of baby-lungs, came with text, saying that the combined length of all the blood vessels in a human body, measures more than twice the circumference of the earth...  Now that made me ponder… because this means that the human body is indeed a vast system, a small universe of its own. The same reasoning can be applied to any body, to any animal or creature.

That alone should make us have so much respect for ourselves and each other who inhabit this world, as physical bodies. The realisation that we are each a vast universe of it’s own, yet extremely vulnerable, because we actually need each other to be able to live and co-exist. Real divinity would be to live in a manner that honours this realisation: where our actions are rooted within respect and consideration for ourselves and each other.

Yet, in this world not even the most vulnerable among us, seem worthy of our consideration. We declare wars, knowing full well that children will be the victims of these atrocities, and we declare them anyway. Does humanity deserve a seat amongst the Gods in the heavens? Or did we invent hell because we know we did nothing to stop the hell on this earth?

It is important to realise that there exists a way to 'stop'. Atrocities happen because at some point, we 'give in' to our emotions, we give in to our anger and our fears. This is an internal 'movement', an inner 'tipping point'. This inner movement does not happen without our 'consent'. We consent to it because we are participating in it. It takes many years to train oneself into developing the diligence and self-discipline required to be able to stop such automated forms of participation in emotions. I recommend to learn about self-forgiveness and how it works - because that is how you are going to learn to develop inner silence and the ability to Breathe through your own emotions when they visit you. 

Day 406 - A visit to Brussel's Military Museum

I recently visited the Military History Museum in Bruxelles and would like to share some of my observations. When I entered the museum, my first impression was that of an old and completey outdated collection of military artifacts and national symbols (which made me regret my visit). But when I proceeded to the second hall, I found myself impressed by the collection of large artillery weapons and canons. 

I was mainly fascinated within the realisation that human beings had actually operated these machines (mostly from the first world war) and would have actually used those canons to try and decimate their so called enemies. As I proceeded through the hall, I saw even larger artillery and even full scale tanks. At this point it dawned on me how far humanity has gone in trying to specialise in forcing another party to agree with us and how much violence we are actually willing to use. 

If you are walking in a relationship with another being, you will find that reaching agreement through communication is actually one of the hardest things there is. You are simply not trained nor prepared for this - your education and entertainment has only prepared you for 'survival' and 'conflict'. Communication is not manipulation. I communicate with you because I accept you as an equal and I realise that I cannot move 'with you' unless we move in 'unison'. For that we both need to agree. 

The reason why international law is not actually working and why there are stil so many armed conflicts in the world, is because in the end, when all communication fails, we perceive that we can use violence and force, and because we perceive that we already have an advantage anyway. Why would we give up our advantage? 

The realisation that communication and equality are the only way forward, has still not matured within humanity. It is essential to maintain one’s inner calm and integrity when things around us seem to spin out of control. Fear and panic only lead to a more consequential outcome – stay calm, use common sense. You can see it in a person when they are possessed with fear. In a way they are ‘lost’ – they are out of touch with themselves, with life, with reality. Just breathe.

Humanity must learn to take ‘self’ as a startingpoint: I am here – I am responsible for me – I forgive myself. When self starts to take responsibility for self and starts caring for self – that is when change is actually possible and real. But you cannot ‘force’ this change in another. You walk your own process unconditionally – and the gratefulness you experience for you changing yourself is yours alone. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online writing and self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Buzz Lightyear (2022): Movie Review

We went to see the Buzz Lightyear movie yesterday and I actually liked it quite a bit. I thought the story was developing in a non-predictable manner and the problems and challenges being faced by the protagonists were quite interesting and unexpected. For me the theme that stood out was the theme of ‘Failure’ and ‘shame within making mistakes’.

These are topics that are close to my heart because I have walked such points in my life many times and I know how tough it can be to stand up from making mistakes, sometimes even with really detrimental outcomes, and to then stand up from that and continue finding a reason and purpose to live. I mean that is what some people are actually facing in reality – not only ‘challenges’ as it is being called, but mistakes and outcomes that make you question your very existence.

I found that when I had arrived in such a point in my life, the only way to move foward was to drop all expectations about myself and my life and to communicate with the people in my life. Start including everyone in my life and reality and see where I can be of support, and most importantly: where it is that I need assistance and support. That is how you create yourself anew.

It is as though Buzz Lightyear cannot forgive himself. He has to be ‘the one’ that is going to ‘save everyone’ to fix the situation. Except that the more he tries to ‘save everyone’ the more it leads to more consequences. What comes through is that his unwillingmess to forgive himself and his stubbornness to be a saviour actually reveals a superiority belief – where ‘only he’ is able to succeed alone by himself. Except that ‘alone’ he appears to be going nowhere…

In an interesting scene where he and his companions are stuck together in a time-sensitive trap, he still approaches the situation from the vantage point of having to save everyone. At this point someone in his team actually says that they don’t need him to save them, they need him to work together with them. And indeed, by being humble to the reality of the situation and realising that he needs to give up his specialness and simply work together, he and his companions form a team that is one unit of combined strengths which succeeds to break out of the trap.

I thought that was really interesting: because I have often also found that when working in a team, I have to stop myself from making assumptions and actually need to slow down and communicate with everyone before I can act – and when I do eventually act my actions actually represent the team-effort and not simply my individual will.

This is the lesson of Buzz Lightyear: a process from superiority to humility and actual real care for his fellow companions as equals. Perhaps that is also the way forward for humanity and all of us who feel we have ‘failed’ and made ‘unrepairable mistakes’: don’t take yourself so seriously and include others into your life.

Day 401 - My Journey into Spain - Fourth Chapter

I see it as worthwhile to continue and finish my series on this trip to Spain, because I have not even gotten to some of the coolest points that I faced and realised while on my trip.

(Please read my previous three posts for perspective and chronology of events.)

That morning I arrived fairly early at the parking lot to Platja Fonda (which is a small beach not too far from Girona). At first it seemed like it would be impossible to get in, because there was only one parking lot and the impression I had was that the cars were moving at a very slow pace and barely managing to receive a parking spot. In fact, the parking lot was being managed by one man alone and he was making sure that every single car would take a spot on the terrain exactly according to his directions, because this would allow for a maximum amount of cars to receive a spot, while also still being able to drive out. Now looking back at it, I can see how such a parking terrain could otherwise easily turn into a chaos with cars being stuck and unable to leave! So, the manager completed his daily Tetris and did a great job and I was rewarded for my patience with a parking spot. 

I changed inside the car because I had no idea what the beach would be like (I think I was wearing my swimmshorts underneath my normal shorts), and then I walked a few small streets down to a staircase that led downward to the beach. To simply walk down those stairs was already an experience in and of itself. The view over the beach was quite stunning. The area was failry small and I estimate that with 200 people the beach would have been completely full. 

After I had found myself a spot to lay down my towel, came the interesting part. I had a car key with me and my wallet, which I could not take with me in the water. Back in Barcelona I had faced a similar issue when I visited the outdoor pool (Piscina Municipal de Montjuïc), because I had assumed that there would be lockers in the change rooms in the building but there weren't! Being alone I had to improvise on how to deal with leaving my belongings by the pool while I would take a swim. My solution was to choose a spot in the plain midday sun (which was extremely hot) which is the spot that everyone at the pool was avoiding. By leaving my things there I was able to easily keep an eye on my stuff while swimming in the pool. It's not the best experience to have to keep an eye on one's stuff like that while swimming, but given the circumstances I was satisfied with my solution and it worked perfectly. 

Today at the Platja Fonda I could not apply the same logic, because the beach was too crowded, and so I looked around myself to see who I could possibly approach and speak to. I approached a woman with two or three daughters and asked her in Spanish if it was okay that I lay my towel next to theirs because I was alone at the beach and I have no one to watch my stuff while I go swimming. It then transpired that she didn't speak Spaninh very well because she was actually from France. That made it easier becasue I switched to French and explained my point in a way that was more comfortable and she agreed and said no problem. 

While I was swimming I was observing that there were children jumping from very high rocks into the water. Within witnessing the kids jumping off the rocks, I realised that this is somthing I fear doing - yet at the same time it seems fun. It occured to me that I could try this today as well, but then I dsimissed the thought because the moment did not feel right - meaning: I did not feel ready to actually now go and do it. (Sooner than I expected during this trip I would come accross another beach with kids jumping off high rocks). I allowed myself to let go from this point and simply enjoyed myself in the water. I found that it was particularly easy to simply 'float' in he water. I would make a big star shape with my arms and legs and I would just float with my face and toes facing the sun. For a moment I allowed myself to just be a leaf that floats on the small waves. I don't think that I have been able to float so effortlessly before, it was really easy. After an hour or two of alternating swimming and resting I decided to pack my stuff and head back for the car. I thanked the woman and said goodbye. (We did talk a bit but not a lot)

Now I don't remmeber if it was on the same day or the next, but I continued exploring the area by car and I visited a handful of historical villages. Visiting the villages kept me busy for half a day. During one of those visits, while I was walking on a downhill path along with a couple - I spoke to them and we got talking. They were Spanish and like me they were visitng the area. They gave me a few tips of other villages and sites to see and in the evening we bumped into each other again on one of those locations, which was extremely enjoyable. It takes so little sometimes to build a connection with someone. They got all excited and asked me if I saw those places they recommended and I said yes I did! If I had wanted I could have invited them to go have a drink somewhere, but my focus for now was on walking around and getting to see as much as I could. I ended our encounter with giving them a big thank you. 

At that point I was in a beach town close to Palafrugell (which is where the Spanish couple had sent me to, and it was indeed very beautifull). When I arrived at one of the small beaches by foot, the main attraction seemed to be high rocks (maybe 4 or 5 meters high) with children jumping and diving off them in the water. It seemed to me that turning down this opportunity now would be like shooting myself in the foot. I could have easily said to myself: but look how inconvenient, I don't even have someone to watch my wallet and keys and that's so uncomfortable! But instead I looked at the situation an reaslised that the moment was actually perfect and that if I did not do it now... then who am I fooling? I then walked back to the car to get my towel and came back with the intention of jumping of those rocks today, even though I did not yet know how I would go about it. As I was sitting on my towel in the sand (the beach was semi-crowded) I contemplated for a moment to burry my keys and wallet in the sand under my towel or something, but then I thought of that Australian film with Heath Ledger where he burried a bag full of money in the sand so that he could take a swim and when he came back the bag was gone, because someone had secretly watched him burry his stuff. So I decided to not make things unnecessarily complicated. 

I heard that there was a group of Dutch tourists laying on their towels not too far from me, they seemed like a bunch of friends, or two families maybe. I took a breath, collected my bravoure and went to speak to them. I asked them kindly if it was okay that I lay my stuff right next to them for a moment, for them to keep an eye on, because I am alone at the beach, while I dive off the rocks where the kids are. I said: "This is something I normally fear doing but today I want to try it." And they were all like: "No problem! Yeah, man go for it!!" 

The rocks were easily accessible but the actual jumping point was quite slippery and not so easy to stand on. In Belgium something like this would definately be prohibited for safety reasons lol. It must have been a funny sight to see me crawl to the jumping point, because I am quite tall and standing tall while walking on those wet and slippery rocks was really freaking me out. So I 'crawled' to the jumping point and only there did I stand up straight. I asked a boy who was standing next to me, 'where' it was best to jump and he pointed at an area in the water and basically said: as far as possible from the rocks. Off course the jump and dive in the water went all fine and I went for a second time!  

After that I had a short conversation with the Dutch guys. We talked about the differences between the Netherlands and Belgium and a little bit about politics and then I went off. It was an interesting experience for me to realise how I had been able to find the right people to speak to on that day, which had opened doors that otherwise would not have opened up for me. It was also interesting to realise that when the right communication is used, and you allow them to actually stand in your shoes, people are actually very understanding and supportive. This is a side of 'being alone' that I had not so often experienced before.   

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 400 - My Journey into Spain - Third Chapter

I was sitting in the car on a parking lot. I had reached the city of Girona. It was incredibly hot and being stressed I did not think of turning on the airco while I was looking at my phone. I had gone into a gloomy experience of myself, because based on my first impression of the outer area of the city, I had created the idea that the city was basically boring.

As I was allowing myself to sink further into this gloominess, I saw that my partner had sent me a text asking me where I was and what I was up to. In hindsight it was interesting to see how easily I was allowing myself to ‘give up’ and basically create an experience of myself where I felt ‘stuck’. I answered her that I was at the doorstep of Girona and that I was looking at what to do… She immediately wrote back saying that Girona is a beautiful city with lots to see and that I should stay there! The enthusiasm of her message made me realise that I was using flimsy perceptions to influence me in my self-direction. (she had already told me before that the city was worthwhile) I snapped out of my lethargy and started looking for hotels. Soon enough I found a nice hotel at a nice (last minute) discount price in the middle of the city with access to an underground parking nearby.

I was amazed at the fact that I was able to book a hotel right there in the car, simply by using the internet on my phone and a credit card. On top of that the hotel immediately wrote me in WhatsApp to give me some instructions and directions... It is only a year or so ago that I bought a smartphone that is really efficient enough to be used as a smartphone (My previous phone was 6 years old and not working anymore). This allows me to actually use all the ‘features’ and apps in a nice way – as a result of this I have started to use my phone much more. By hanging on to an old phone that was partially dysfunctional, it was as if I was refusing to use all the resources that were available to me in the world, simply because I was ‘judging’ how the world had changed as a result of the widespread use of smartphones. The truth is that without my new phone my journey into Spain would have been not so easy.  

The hotel in Girona (Condall Hotel) was very pleasant and it was actually one of my best hotel experiences ever, even despite there being no breakfast. The room was bright, neat and clean, with a nice street view. I immediately felt ‘at home’. I was happy and content with myself for being in the place where I was. Again, it is amazing to realise how we can let ourselves be influenced by a perception, a small point, which will then determine our total experience, like a veil we pull over our eyes.

The weather continued to be very warm and I walked to the tourist office in the city centre. I received a map and a rough outline of what I could expect to find in the city. The rest of the day I spent walking from one historical site to another. I was impressed by the amount and the beauty of the sites and in the evening I walked to a jazzcafè where a band would be playing. I arrived an hour late but the band hadn't started yet. Even though I was told that the place was 'full' and that I had no 'reservation' I did not allow that to discourage me. I said in Spanish that it didn't matter and that I would listen from behind the fence then! (they had build a little fence around the outdoor seating area) The lady at the entrance then proceeded to give me one of their foldable chairs anyways and I set myself down just next to the fence, being able to perfectly see the concert and enjoy the music. I had a great time.

Because Girona was fairly small (compared to Barcelona) I projected that I should also make some excursions by car left and right. By looking on the internet I found a small beach (Platja Fonda) that seemed fun to drive to and that’s exactly what I did the next day. I got up early enough to make sure I would find a parking spot and off I was…

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 399 - My Journey into Spain - Second Chapter

On the third day in Barcelona, I had to start to make a decision about what I was going to do next. I had only booked 4 nights in the hotel where I was currently staying. The thought had crossed my mind that I could prolong my stay, but within myself I also did not feel clear on why I should do that. Ideally I should rent a car, leave Barcelona and start exploring other parts of the region. 

I think it was on that very same day that I realised it was possible to take the Teleferic de Muntjuic all the way to the top of the Muntjuic mountain where the Muntjuic castle is located. I was walking my way up to the lower planes and gardens of the mountain, when I saw a line of people waiting to enter the Teleferic station. It seemed like a lot of people already, but I was immediately eager to also take the Teleferic. As I joined the line of people, I realised that the Teleferic was actually still closed but it was about to open in just 2 minutes. Once the door of the station opened, the queue moved inside rather quickly and within 10 minutes I was stepping inside my own cabin. 

When the Cabin started rolling along the cable, I felt a gracious happyness. I was enjoying myself a lot. I wanted to make lots of photograps because the views were really stunning. Within myself I felt like this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and this caused me to actually create stress about taking enough pictures. At that point I realised that I should give myself the space to simply enjoy and sit and breathe. So I settled within myself and when appropriate, I took a photograph.

Once I walked out of the cabin at the top, there was an area which had a stunning view over the industrial harbour of Barcelona. I walked around and took some pictures. At one point I saw a seagull flying at about my height, perhaps 20 meters away from me. Except that he was flying besides the mountain so he was floating really high in the sky from his vantage point. In that moment I could stand in the shoes of the Saegull because I was looking down at pretty much the same depth below. Upon experiencing the Seagull I came up with the following lines on that day:

"Als je een Meeuw bent,

Mag je geen hoogtevrees hebben."

(When you are a Seagull,

You cannot have fear of heights.) 

The castle in itself was not of that much interest to me, except that it offered more nice views over the whole area of Barcelona. On my way down with the Teleferic (because I bought a return ticket, you could also choose to walk all your way down again) I started to seriously look at the point at hand as I saw that I had to make a decision: what am I going to do next? I used my right hand to guide me as I was looking at the point and what stood out for me in that moment was that I was not comfortable with the idea of traveling around the country. Within myself I went: am I just allowed to do that? I cancel the whole idea of traveling around and I simply stay the whole time in Barcelona? I went pfft yes let me just do that. I mean I am having a lot of fun in Barcelona. 

I did not look at the point further untill later that day, I think it was the afternoon, when I realised: hey, wait a minute, this doesn't make sense. Because when it came down to the historical city of Barcelona, the truth was that I was starting to become fed up with being there. It was suddenly clear and obvious that staying here was not an option at all. And this experience of fed-up ness had already come up the previous day as well - hence I knew that this was the reality of the situation. I knew that now, and only now, I was ready to move on. That evening in the hotel I booked a car for eight days and I bought a returnflight to Belgium. 

I had nine more days to spend in Spain and tomorrow was my last day in Barcelona. 

Day 395 - Beyond the Walls / Au Delà des Murs

Normally I am not attracted to 'horror' stories and films. I usually find it quite 'creepy' and not so enjoyable - but today I somehow felt compelled to watch the beginning of a series called "Au Delà des Murs" (Beyond the Walls), which was advertised as a horror-series. 

A Lady inherits an old house and starts to experience psychedelic episodes at night when she walks into non existing rooms and corridors throughout the house and encounters a half human, half animal creature. 

The moment when this creature enters the screen, is supposed to be a scary moment - but I did not find it scary. I saw the creature and it was simply another being standing in the room - no big deal. Then it started to move towards her. Well, maybe it wants to communiacte with her so no big deal. Then, she started to get scared, and she started to run. This is when I realised the people create their own nightmares through their 'judgments' because what was happenening was not 'evil' or 'abusive' in any shape or form. It was simply 'unusual'. But then interestingly the story spins off into some dramatic 'chase' where she needs to run and hide from 'creatures'. 

But why all the 'drama'? Did she not by her own doing choose to ASSUME some kind of fucked up narrative of what was going on instead of actually being vulnerable and investigate what is going on? I have no problems with 'weird creatures', 'weird people' and 'weird events'. When something is seemingly scary or absurd to you - does that automatically mean that you are in danger and that you must 'run'? 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 391 - A Practical Approach to Making Decisions

In the early years of my process I often made the mistake of using my feelings to make a decision. I would try to listen to what my body says and I would interpret that experience with my mind. If right after I made a decision I would suddenly experience a negative feeling such as fear, I might get swayed and think that I made a wrong decision.

In recent years I have learned to make decisions more effectively. First of all I do not use feelings to guide me. First of all I ask myself what it is that I want and I also look at what is realistically possible. This might involve having to do research and doing some math. Sometimes the research will show that the thing I would like is not lucrative and I will then already have my answer. Other times the research will show that it is possible and then it is really up to me.

What I have learned is that sometimes a decision will be rather clear and easy to make – and sometimes it is not so clear and not so easy to make, despite all the research I did. I will off course also talk to people if I am really unclear as to what to do to get a form of external feedback. But in the end the decision will remain up to me. Here is a practical tool that I have found to be useful when making decisions: usually a decision is only really made by taking a certain action. For instance, you make your decision known to someone, or you click on a button to confirm a deal, or you post a message on a platform. 

I found that in this moment, I am able to completely slow myself down. I take a deep breath and I remain silent inside. Then, I place my awareness in my whole body and I ask myself if I am cool with this or not. If I am cool with this, then I act. If I am not cool with this, then that means that there is perhaps something that I have not yet considered. This 'being cool' with the decision then immediately translates into a physical movement: it almost happens sumultaneously: I know that I am cool with it and consequently I am doing it. I act my decision. Sometimes there will still be 'fear' in this phase, but it is like I will sit with myself and 'hold myself' and see if I am able to 'push' myself softly to walk into that descision and then there will arrive a point where suddenly I am 'ready' - an inner movement and then I act. 

This then also gives me a solid foundation to later on not ‘question‘ a decision I made. Because I know that I have made that decision in ful awareness and deliberateness. Therefore it was a specific decision and I know I can stand by it. In other words, I can trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in moments still allow 'external' feedback to guide me in my decisions – such as 'coincidences' and 'synchronicities'.

I realise and understand that coincidences and syncronicities might occur due to the nature of the system that we exist in but I cannot limit myself nor define myself according to a coincidence or synchronicity – which means I am still seeking 'the guiding hand of God', instead of me accepting and embracing my own expression and responsibility as life and what i am willing to stand by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for outward signals in moments when I am still in doubt, where I abdicate my authority to an external system to which I then become enslaved.

I realise and understand that I cannot fear my own descisions. I realise and understand that I cannot fear the consequences of my descisions. I realise and understand that I am the beginning and the end-point of my own descisions.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 390 - On the nature of Assumptions

Today I write about this point that is very relevant to my process : assumptions and how I make assumptions within communication. When I wrote about this and I looked at the point at first glance it seemed like the assumption is made in an 'automatic' way and I then respond to the assumption - but that is not true. In reality I am already aware that I do not have all the facts but DESPITE that awareness I still decide to impose an assumption on the situation. In my case I will often assume a 'worst case' meaning onto what was said. Simply because I do not understand why someone said something - I will assume they had an underlying selfish reason. I insert my (secret) interpretation into the conversation and instead of working with what was said I start responding to my interpretation which is in a way a form of desperation. I am desperate, because I am too shit scared to simply ask for clarifications on what was said so as to help me understand and in fact stand equal to the person I am communicating with. Now, I fear inequality, because I am assuming that the other person cannot be trusted, and so to turn the tables in my favor I will now respond to that perceived injustice : there is no better way to make an ass out of yourself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am not clear why someone is saying something, immediatley assume that they are secretly trying to deceive me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made a habit out of following my assumptions which is a form of cowardice - rather than to check back with the person and clarify what it is they said. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise the extent of the turmoil I am willing to create by allowing myself to act and speak on an assumption - instead of simply admitting that I do not know: I do not know what was said. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to communicate 'perfectly' so as to always be immediately clear to me - when in reality my own communication is not at that level at all and I m not even standing as an exemple of what I expect. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that by choosing for assumptions I am actually choosing for the probability of conflict and seperation.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself being unsure as to what was said, to simply be real about it and ask for clarifications. 

I commit myself to be sensitive to the energy that I experience when I want to make an assumption and I take a breath. I breathe and I check myself and I check with the person: ok what do you mean by that? 

I commit myself to practice my communication and be vulnerable with myself and the other in being open about what it is I understood and if this is correct? 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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The Valhalla Murders (2019) Review

This is one of the best crime series I have seen in years and I simply recommend it. Interesting with this particular series is that there is no underlying 'lovestory' mixed in the plot. The story follows two police officers. They investigate murders that are taking place as a result of systematic abuse that happened 30 years ago to a group of children. 

Through the sequence of murders the investigators get to reconstrue what had happened in the past and they realise that there were many loose ends that were never investigated. So this series heavily uses the topics of child abuse, broken families, pedophile rings, and government corruption. Even the lives of the policeofficers themselves are tainted by trauma and severe abuse in the past. Consequently, the story is about 'human nature' and what it means to grow up in this world as a child. 

The plot is vey believable I would say, up until the point where a seperate investigation request into a high ranking official is being filed but then very quickly shut down. A copy of a set of compromising documents is however also sent to a journalist and it is the journalist who confronts the official in a live TV interview. This I found to be a gullible twist of the plot because it banks on 'hope' and the belief that the press is actually here to 'expose' deception. 

From my perspective the mainstream press is fully complicit to the deception in this world because as with any organisation and institution they rely on money for their survival and existence. I do not believe that free journalism actually exists within todays corporate media landscape. Journalists simply do their 'job' and they have families to feed and morgages to pay. It is as simple as that. Very few people are actually willing to rock the boat. This is why in todays world we have reached a stage of perfect censorship. 

This is why real 'standing up' and 'self-education' - for now - must come from alternative media and news sources such as small independent newspapers, blogs and podcasts. This is also why it was so easy to brush all the questions regarding 9/11 under the carpet so quickly, as the mainstream media stand as 'one voice' that only follow 'one story'.

First Man (2018) Movie Review

I finished watching the film 'First Man' (2018) and would like to share some observations regarding this film. Initially I was not very interested to see it, because I was no longer interested in the topic of 'space travel' and 'astronauts', believing I had already seen enough movies on the subject. But, I found the approach towards the topic very original and in moments actualy breath-taking. 

In this film you follow Neil Armstrong in his career and the process he walked to become an astronaut at NASA. After he has been selected to take part in the moonlanding project, something interesting unfolds and becomes clear in the film: this project is actually a life-endangering mission. Even the tests and preparations they have to participate in on earth, are already life-threatening, because that is the level of risk the astronauts will be exposed to once they are in space. On one occasion, 3 atronauts simply die while waiting in the cockpit of a ship, as they sit and wait for a racket to be launched. But instead of the rocket launching, the cockpit exploded due to a malfunctioning. 

Because of this and other events, you realise that the astronauts were actually used as 'canon fodder' by the government, because it was known that each one of them could die, but the project was pushed anyways, due to the political urgency to establish superiority by landing on the moon.  When placing all these elements together, in a way I lost respect for this whole endeavour. I do not see the value in working on a project that actually disregards it's participants. A project with an outcome of value should bring value to all of its contributors and not deliberately sacrifice some of them so that a few may benefit. That sounds more like a cult. For this reason, projects that involve deliberate harm being done and beings being put at risk for no justifiable reason, should simply not exist. 

There is enough value that can be created in this world through projects that actually support human beings, animals and nature, and with much greater effect  - without requiring us to blow ourselves up. Being a 'hero' does not always mean that you MUST PUT YOUR LIFE AT RISK. There are ways to be of support to yourself and your environment that are respectful towards yourself and towards others. Look for instance at what my friend Gian Robberts is doing with his 'Earth Haven' community: slowly but surely, building a nest of support in Panama for people who are willing to come and 'learn' what it means to live together and 'reconnect' with the tissue of life. 

Day 386 - Humanity's Comfort Zone

A point that I am working with is the repeated pattern of resisting and trying to avoid to explore certain area's of reality when they come into my world in a way that I did not plan for. 

For instance this evening my partner brought up the issue regarding the squeecking doorhandles and that we could use this time to fix that: I immediately started to lament that this is not what I had planned for my evening and I even did not believe that we would be able to accomplish resuslts in working on this problem. Hence in my approach towards myself and the situation I was not even giving us a chance. 

But lo and behold, in doing some brief research online my partner figured out how to take off the door handles and even how to take out the entire mechanism of the inner lock. We looked at it, discussed it, lubricated the parts, cleaned everything, put the parts back on the door and there was no more squeeking sound... I was indeed proud in the end that we had spend our evening in solving this problem rather then letting the opportunity go by. 

But underneath the pride was also shame that I had not simply seen the opportunity for what it was and that I had fought for my limitation. Why must I default into arguing for my limitations? What is the point of simply existing in this pattern and not changing? It is funny because in the moment of 'not wanting to' and 'giving reasons why' I already know deep down that I am just postponing to change myself - it is as if I am stating to myself and the world: not right now, I am not ready yet right now -- I will change 'later'. 

The point I need to change in myself is the moment where the 'dread' comes up towards doing something unplanned and out of my comfort zone - I need to unconditionally let go and breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and fool myself into believing that I am not ready for a point or a change, because in me being able to see the potential of change per definition means that I am already ready and that I am just wasting my own time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and hide inside a comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my comfort zones.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to be pushed outside of my comfort zones.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my comfort zones protect me and make me feel good - when in reality they leave me with shame and regret towards missed opportunities where I could grow and expand and reach my full potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust a mushy feeling inside myself intstead of breathing and using common sense to decide on an opportunity and a course of action.

I realise and understand that the feeling that says 'no, I don't want to' is actually fear and limitation and unecessary for me to go into. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my decisions based on how I feel instead of what I can actually see and sense would be a good opportunity for me to 'change' and step outside of a self-confined comfort-zone.

I commit myself to walk in clarity of this point and actually slow down and breathe when looking at a decision that 'throws me off' or 'puts me out of my comfort zone' -- I breathe and remain practical, I look at what is actually possible and what it is I can do.  

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 385 - A place to call Alone

As I prepare to post my blog I find these few sentences stored as a Draft on my blog, which are actually quite appropriate to share first:

I am in the process of moving. I kind of had a feeling that I would be moving but not in these circumstances. Hence it was very unexpected.  

What I found interesting is that once the decision was made to move, suddenly all the points that had seemed to be unsurmountable walls now became problems that we could handle. 

Also interesting how moving challenges me as I am very much a routine person and in my design I am very much 'resisting' the point of self-responsibility when everything is in flux. As if it is legitimate to be irresponsible when things are moving fast and in unexpected ways. 

Today's blog:

Recently we moved and left the city. The decision to move had been made in a very short time frame and we found a new place rather quickly. What I found interesting within this experience, is that I was able to simply 'leave' the place I had called my 'home' and move into a new one. I found this rather amazing. When I was living in the former place it felt as if the 'home' had so much substance and that it had become an integral part of me. But here I was simply walking away from it, cleaning it up and moving elsewhere. This made me realise that a 'home' is not something I should take for granted and that there is no such thing as the ONE home. In fact there are many different possibilities for a home. 

In and through the decision to move I had to embrace 'change' and for me the 'home' experience was related to things 'not changing' and remaining 'the same'. In this way the need for me to experience a 'home' can then also become compromising because for me to experience a 'home' I need to control my environment and make sure things don't change too much. When 'home' is defined in this way, we become scared of change and we will actually seek to avoid change.  'Home' then becomes something 'evil' because we use it to stop growing and expanding.

It was important for me to realise that I can make the decision to change home and execute that decision - because even though it is a lot of effort, it is technically possible. There are many things in this life that we do not consider because of the perception that they will take too much effort, but they are possible. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 383 - Writing as a habit that Supports Me

An interesting thing occured when I made the decision to 'write everyday' in my daily diarybook. In the past I would have felt like such a commitment is not realistic and hence it would be like setting myself up for failure. 

I would say that the commitment to write daily in my daily diary did not come as a thought in my head but more as a realisation of what I am ready to give to myself. Hence the decision was made in an instant. 

The clarity of the decision was given within what I saw would help and asist others. On the open forum I had often suggested that 'this is something that will support you'. And in many ways, also through listening to EQAFE interviews it had become clear and apparent that 'writing daily' was really a key in developing a relationship of self-introspection with self. 

So what was 'new' so to speak when I made my decision to write daily in my dialy diary was the realisation that I do not need to write 'a lot' every day - in fact initially I was more looking at placing key words and bullet points per evening, as something that would support me with 'slowing down' at least one moment per day, and actually look at myself and who I am, looking at 'who I was today'. 

This is then how I saw that my commitment was realistic and that is how I started. I have since walked my daily diary writing every day and I am currently at 'Day 395'. There was a moment where I was faced with hesitation because after a few weeks the thought came up that I would not be able to work on a DIP assignment AND have enough time to write in my Daily diary in one day. So, I then made an agreement with myself that it is not about the 'writing in the daily diary' per say, but about the daily introspection through writing. Hence, if I have worked on a DIP assignment on a given day, then I can simply make a note in my daily diary for that day that I worked on my DIP an that is then my writing for the day. 

This allowed me to continue my daily commitment, even though later on even if I had worked on a DIP assignment, I would eventually still write in the diary in the evening, simply because I have made a habit out of it and because it supports me to do so before going to bed every day. This has assisted me with developing a deeper intimacy with myself and making sure that I look at those parts of myself that I am not satisfied with and looking at how I can change myself in them in a practical way.  

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 382 - Gollum and the Ring

A statement that came up within me yesterday while we were discussing the Symbolism in the Lord of the Rings, was: "You are not worthy of my gold." And I wrote down that statement. 

Within this, was contained the attitude of Gollum towards his Ring made from gold, which he would cherish in secret and share with no-one. The statement I wrote down reflected how I could myself relate towards Gollum and his Ring, where the Ring represents a part of me where I 'let no-one in', I keep it to myself and I use fierce anger to push those away who try to come near.

Later, when doing my writing in my bed, I continued: "You are not worthy of my gold. You are not allowed to see it, you are not allowed to touch it, you are not allowed to hold it."

I could see how this patterns plays out in my intimate relationships and also with people in general when I start to 'detect' that they actually like me and want to be vulnerable with and towards me: this is where I suddenly 'flip' and give signals that I am not trustworthy and they need to keep their distance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use non-trustworthyness and betrayal as mechanisms to keep people at bay and not wanting them to come close, in fear that they would actualy develop a relationship with me in which I can be open and vulnerable - because then I have no more excuse to simply be open and vulnerable.

A word of support that came up for me to walk this point of Vulnerability, is the word Surrender. In the past I could never give much use to this word, as it seemed to imply some form of giving up one's power and/or abdicating responsibility and/or going along with something over which I have no control. Yet, here it seemed appropriate and fitting. Because with Surrender I do in effect let go of control which is also a letting go of Fear.

I ended my writing last night with: "Surrender - I remain. I as all as one as equal."

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 379 - Forget about the Reasons Why

Forget about the 'reasons why' we are in confinement for a moment and simply take it 'as is': many of us are spending the majority of their time at home and the world seems to be 'standing still'. This 'standing still' of the world can be seen as a moment of 'pauze', as a moment between an in-breath, and an out-breath.

Many of us are actually 'calming down' through the experience of being able to be home more often. Those of us who are in such an experience, can start to see a 'potential' for themselves, for others, for 'society', for 'life' - that is not so easily noticed when the world is operating in a 'rush'.

This 'pauze' that we are experiencing should therefore be carried within ourselves and even after the measures slowly dissolve. We are getting a glimpse of what is possible as an existence on earth. One where nature also gets to breathe and stretch her leggs. It is interesting how much panic has been created in regards to the virus, when the impact of the human species on nature and on the animal kingdom on a daily basis, is much more profound.

The virus is perhaps here to remind us that we are not the 'Masters' of this world, but that we are simply one among the billions of other HOSTS as plants and animal species in and of this world, nothing more and nothing less.

(to be continued...)

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 377 - My Trip to Panama 2020 (Part 1)

After reading a blog that talked about the regrets one would have if one died right now, I realised that the one thing I would regret the most, was that I had not yet visited my family in Panama.

When I realised this, I made an instructional note in my daily diary and the following day I started making all the practical arrangements (such as confirming with my family when I could come and booking the flights) to visit my family early this year.

It is interesting that the contemplation of death puts us in a position of looking at our lives from an absolute startingpoint and being able to see clearly what it is we are suppressing or not allowing ourselves to live.

I have now been in Panama for almost 2 weeks and I have enjoyed myself a lot. I was able to reconnect with my family and friends. With and through this visit I have moved around a lot of points within myself. Some of them through actively discussing a topic and others through observing the solutions and the example that others are living and standing as.

Even though I could not stay as long as I would have wanted to, I am very thankful for having made this voyage. For me it made a lot of points 'come together' and I will in the future continue to visit.

Today is one of the last days of my stay and in the morning I had felt a weird pressure within myself, a 'restlesness'. Initially I did not know how to direct myself, so I decided to go work in the garden for a moment to get out of my head. Afterwards I discussed my experience with my sister and what I realised is that I actually regret having to go home again. So, on my next trip I will arrange myself to be able to stay a bit longer if I can. The nature is quite outstanding and there is no comparison to the city-life environment back at home.

What I also faced during this trip is having the 'courage' to not study for one day or two. Normally I would not feel good about that at all. Meaning: unless there were circumstances that 'prevent' me from studying I will expect myself to study every day. But I must also have the ability to say 'stop' to myself for a few days and simply shift my focus and 'experience' different things. This is where I create stress for myself back at home as well.

Another suggestion that was given to me here is to enroll for a Tai Chi class. I have often heard of Tai Chi but ever since I was a child (and was practising Karaté) I felt apprehensive towards Tai Chi, because I would judge it as being 'too soft' and 'unpractical' (even though I have never done it). Yet in discussing this with my sisters I have gained a new perspective on this 'sport' and hence I will take classess when I am back at home.

I have also started to read an interesting book called 'The Book of Mirdad' by Mikhail Naimy, which Leila kept talking about and I can see how this book gives very practical life lessons and as such is a very good guide to process. I am looking forward to read the rest of the book.

(written on 19 february 2020)

To be continued...

Day 375 - No Ready Perspective

It has often happened that my partner would come to me with a problem that she is facing and she would ask me for perspective. In the past I would often 'freeze' inside because I did not see myself as capable to offer an informed perspective that would actually support her. I thought I did not have enough experience in regards to what she was facing. But what I realised is that I cannot hide behind this excuse. I am responsible and I have the ability to speak. Often times what was required was not that I have 'the answer' in an absolute sense or even a 'ready perspective' - but simply that I stand with my partner in looking at the point she is facing. Because then whatever I say will set something 'in motion' that will assist my partner in shifting her perspective and then a further perspective can come either from herself or from me.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 374 - You need to work faster

I had a dream where I am sitting with a college and he is telling me: you need to move/work faster.

After I woke up, I looked at this statement and my experience within it - and at first I was looking at justifying that this is 'only based on fears' and purely coming from my own mind, but in hinsight I see there is more to this.

I realise that the way this is being said to me is like a point of 'no choice' and it was made clear that this has to happen 'no matter what'. Within myself I perceive that I somehow still have a 'choice' : in the moment of saying yes I will do it, in terms of actually comitting to it - I hold back.

In terms of referencing my dream back to reality: One could say that the pace at which I move myself is 'acceptable' but in reality I know that I can do better: in other words there are many moments where I see that I could be moving myself much more effectively.

I commit myself to break down into details what it would mean for me practically to work/move faster.

I commit myself to find and map out all the little points and moments where I sabotage my own self-movement - by distracting myself and being diverted - breaking my own flow.

I commit myself to removing all the hurdles and limitations that would prevent me from working in a way where I honor myself by being effective and diligent in my work.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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