Day 377 - My Trip to Panama 2020 (Part 1)

After reading a blog that talked about the regrets one would have if one died right now, I realised that the one thing I would regret the most, was that I had not yet visited my family in Panama.

When I realised this, I made an instructional note in my daily diary and the following day I started making all the practical arrangements (such as confirming with my family when I could come and booking the flights) to visit my family early this year.

It is interesting that the contemplation of death puts us in a position of looking at our lives from an absolute startingpoint and being able to see clearly what it is we are suppressing or not allowing ourselves to live.

I have now been in Panama for almost 2 weeks and I have enjoyed myself a lot. I was able to reconnect with my family and friends. With and through this visit I have moved around a lot of points within myself. Some of them through actively discussing a topic and others through observing the solutions and the example that others are living and standing as.

Even though I could not stay as long as I would have wanted to, I am very thankful for having made this voyage. For me it made a lot of points 'come together' and I will in the future continue to visit.

Today is one of the last days of my stay and in the morning I had felt a weird pressure within myself, a 'restlesness'. Initially I did not know how to direct myself, so I decided to go work in the garden for a moment to get out of my head. Afterwards I discussed my experience with my sister and what I realised is that I actually regret having to go home again. So, on my next trip I will arrange myself to be able to stay a bit longer if I can. The nature is quite outstanding and there is no comparison to the city-life environment back at home.

What I also faced during this trip is having the 'courage' to not study for one day or two. Normally I would not feel good about that at all. Meaning: unless there were circumstances that 'prevent' me from studying I will expect myself to study every day. But I must also have the ability to say 'stop' to myself for a few days and simply shift my focus and 'experience' different things. This is where I create stress for myself back at home as well.

Another suggestion that was given to me here is to enroll for a Tai Chi class. I have often heard of Tai Chi but ever since I was a child (and was practising Karaté) I felt apprehensive towards Tai Chi, because I would judge it as being 'too soft' and 'unpractical' (even though I have never done it). Yet in discussing this with my sisters I have gained a new perspective on this 'sport' and hence I will take classess when I am back at home.

I have also started to read an interesting book called 'The Book of Mirdad' by Mikhail Naimy, which Leila kept talking about and I can see how this book gives very practical life lessons and as such is a very good guide to process. I am looking forward to read the rest of the book.

(written on 19 february 2020)

To be continued...

Day 375 - No Ready Perspective

It has often happened that my partner would come to me with a problem that she is facing and she would ask me for perspective. In the past I would often 'freeze' inside because I did not see myself as capable to offer an informed perspective that would actually support her. I thought I did not have enough experience in regards to what she was facing. But what I realised is that I cannot hide behind this excuse. I am responsible and I have the ability to speak. Often times what was required was not that I have 'the answer' in an absolute sense or even a 'ready perspective' - but simply that I stand with my partner in looking at the point she is facing. Because then whatever I say will set something 'in motion' that will assist my partner in shifting her perspective and then a further perspective can come either from herself or from me.

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Day 347 - Laziness exposed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as ‘laziness’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into little resistances as laziness to prevent myself from applying myself in the most optimum way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used laziness as an anger reaction towards my parents – where I can force things to go ‘my way’ and as a way to slow things down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take shortcuts as laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy in my relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have been willing to change myself within and as the point of laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined and created myself as laziness as ‘who I am’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘hide’ behind laziness.

I commit myself to push myself in small moments of resistance and to actually Act in a way that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created myself as ‘laziness’ as a way to ‘rebel’ against my parents, as a way to ‘not give them what they want’ which is me actually doing my best and giving it my all – instead of realizing and understanding that me giving my all – is the greatest gift I can give myself and has got nothing to do with what anyone ‘wants’.

I commit myself to walk out of laziness and live my maximum potential as self-movement and self-dedication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  always leave something unfinished ‘as if I forgot it’ instead of realizing and understanding it is actually a point of spitefulness and laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made myself lazy as a point of spitefulness against my parents and against life. 

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Day 342 - Less complication

I have noticed change coming through within me, when it comes to having resistance to do something because I have set my mind on doing something else.

For instance the other day there was the need to organise our day and to decide when a specific task was ging to be perfomed by me, such as wet cleaning. Here I immediately responded saying that I would do it 'later' because now I have more urgent things to do such as studying. I said 'I study best in the morning' (and therefore everything else has to wait).

Yet my partner responded, 'Just do it now then it is done and you can still study in the afternoon. It only takes 20 minutes.' Here I normally would put up a fight and how dare someone else 'command my day'. Yet, the energy that I saw coming up within me - I saw that it was not going to be worth it so I decided to just 'pass' and I said: well, yeah ok I can do it now as well. And in that moment I let go of my idea-fix that 'I must study now and if I do not study then I lose out'.

What comes to mind in an interview with Joe Kou that I have listened a few times to - where he and Sunette talk about a moment where she said to him to 'drop it' when he was in a recation and arguing, and in that moment he was able to 'drop it' and let go by breathing through the emotions that were coming up in him. I would say it is an interesting interview to listen to as it really takes the listener by the hand in how to 'move out of a reaction' and 'what it will be like'.

In my example it was similar and I noticed a lightness within me when realising there is a certain ease within making such a decison, I would say that it requires a level of being comfortable with oneself to be able to 'drop such a pattern' because one will then choose for 'less complication' over creating stress and drama.

Here is some additional forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive in a moment that what another is suggesting is somehow 'against me' and 'against my best interests'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to demonise the other person in my mind - in fear of losing that which I had projected to do with my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what I had projected to do with my time 'will be taken away from me' and I will lose out against the other person.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compete with the other person where I think that I must try to 'maximise my profit' and 'secure my advantage'.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myelf to be greedy and within that become paranoid in my relationship with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand as self-obsession in the center - instead of placing what is best for all in the center and finding what works best for both through communication and working together.

I commit myself to live the words 'relaxedness' and 'simplicity' when it comes to organising myself and prioritisig my tasks.

I commit myself to creating a foundation of effective decisionmaking when it comes to practical organisation and taking into consideration others as myself one and equal.

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*For a (free) guided course on how to use writing and breathing as self-liberating tools, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com