Day 408 - Laurence Dervaux EXPO in Charleroi

Today I was fortunate to be able to see an exhibition in Charleroi from the Belgian artist Laurence Dervaux. The works in the exhibition were centered around the theme of the ‘liquids’ within the human body (such as blood, water, etc.) and the ‘fragility’ of the human body as a system that depends on these liquids.

When I entered the first room I immediately had to think of the book ‘Dune’ in which the scarcity of water, and how to frantically keep and recycle it, is such a central theme. But that was not so much the intention of the artist, as the entire installation functioned more as a metaphor for the entire human body through which liquids travel and are contained.

One of the smaller pieces, which looked like a network of blood vessels in the shape of baby-lungs, came with text, saying that the combined length of all the blood vessels in a human body, measures more than twice the circumference of the earth...  Now that made me ponder… because this means that the human body is indeed a vast system, a small universe of its own. The same reasoning can be applied to any body, to any animal or creature.

That alone should make us have so much respect for ourselves and each other who inhabit this world, as physical bodies. The realisation that we are each a vast universe of it’s own, yet extremely vulnerable, because we actually need each other to be able to live and co-exist. Real divinity would be to live in a manner that honours this realisation: where our actions are rooted within respect and consideration for ourselves and each other.

Yet, in this world not even the most vulnerable among us, seem worthy of our consideration. We declare wars, knowing full well that children will be the victims of these atrocities, and we declare them anyway. Does humanity deserve a seat amongst the Gods in the heavens? Or did we invent hell because we know we did nothing to stop the hell on this earth?

It is important to realise that there exists a way to 'stop'. Atrocities happen because at some point, we 'give in' to our emotions, we give in to our anger and our fears. This is an internal 'movement', an inner 'tipping point'. This inner movement does not happen without our 'consent'. We consent to it because we are participating in it. It takes many years to train oneself into developing the diligence and self-discipline required to be able to stop such automated forms of participation in emotions. I recommend to learn about self-forgiveness and how it works - because that is how you are going to learn to develop inner silence and the ability to Breathe through your own emotions when they visit you. 

Buzz Lightyear (2022): Movie Review

We went to see the Buzz Lightyear movie yesterday and I actually liked it quite a bit. I thought the story was developing in a non-predictable manner and the problems and challenges being faced by the protagonists were quite interesting and unexpected. For me the theme that stood out was the theme of ‘Failure’ and ‘shame within making mistakes’.

These are topics that are close to my heart because I have walked such points in my life many times and I know how tough it can be to stand up from making mistakes, sometimes even with really detrimental outcomes, and to then stand up from that and continue finding a reason and purpose to live. I mean that is what some people are actually facing in reality – not only ‘challenges’ as it is being called, but mistakes and outcomes that make you question your very existence.

I found that when I had arrived in such a point in my life, the only way to move foward was to drop all expectations about myself and my life and to communicate with the people in my life. Start including everyone in my life and reality and see where I can be of support, and most importantly: where it is that I need assistance and support. That is how you create yourself anew.

It is as though Buzz Lightyear cannot forgive himself. He has to be ‘the one’ that is going to ‘save everyone’ to fix the situation. Except that the more he tries to ‘save everyone’ the more it leads to more consequences. What comes through is that his unwillingmess to forgive himself and his stubbornness to be a saviour actually reveals a superiority belief – where ‘only he’ is able to succeed alone by himself. Except that ‘alone’ he appears to be going nowhere…

In an interesting scene where he and his companions are stuck together in a time-sensitive trap, he still approaches the situation from the vantage point of having to save everyone. At this point someone in his team actually says that they don’t need him to save them, they need him to work together with them. And indeed, by being humble to the reality of the situation and realising that he needs to give up his specialness and simply work together, he and his companions form a team that is one unit of combined strengths which succeeds to break out of the trap.

I thought that was really interesting: because I have often also found that when working in a team, I have to stop myself from making assumptions and actually need to slow down and communicate with everyone before I can act – and when I do eventually act my actions actually represent the team-effort and not simply my individual will.

This is the lesson of Buzz Lightyear: a process from superiority to humility and actual real care for his fellow companions as equals. Perhaps that is also the way forward for humanity and all of us who feel we have ‘failed’ and made ‘unrepairable mistakes’: don’t take yourself so seriously and include others into your life.

Day 400 - My Journey into Spain - Third Chapter

I was sitting in the car on a parking lot. I had reached the city of Girona. It was incredibly hot and being stressed I did not think of turning on the airco while I was looking at my phone. I had gone into a gloomy experience of myself, because based on my first impression of the outer area of the city, I had created the idea that the city was basically boring.

As I was allowing myself to sink further into this gloominess, I saw that my partner had sent me a text asking me where I was and what I was up to. In hindsight it was interesting to see how easily I was allowing myself to ‘give up’ and basically create an experience of myself where I felt ‘stuck’. I answered her that I was at the doorstep of Girona and that I was looking at what to do… She immediately wrote back saying that Girona is a beautiful city with lots to see and that I should stay there! The enthusiasm of her message made me realise that I was using flimsy perceptions to influence me in my self-direction. (she had already told me before that the city was worthwhile) I snapped out of my lethargy and started looking for hotels. Soon enough I found a nice hotel at a nice (last minute) discount price in the middle of the city with access to an underground parking nearby.

I was amazed at the fact that I was able to book a hotel right there in the car, simply by using the internet on my phone and a credit card. On top of that the hotel immediately wrote me in WhatsApp to give me some instructions and directions... It is only a year or so ago that I bought a smartphone that is really efficient enough to be used as a smartphone (My previous phone was 6 years old and not working anymore). This allows me to actually use all the ‘features’ and apps in a nice way – as a result of this I have started to use my phone much more. By hanging on to an old phone that was partially dysfunctional, it was as if I was refusing to use all the resources that were available to me in the world, simply because I was ‘judging’ how the world had changed as a result of the widespread use of smartphones. The truth is that without my new phone my journey into Spain would have been not so easy.  

The hotel in Girona (Condall Hotel) was very pleasant and it was actually one of my best hotel experiences ever, even despite there being no breakfast. The room was bright, neat and clean, with a nice street view. I immediately felt ‘at home’. I was happy and content with myself for being in the place where I was. Again, it is amazing to realise how we can let ourselves be influenced by a perception, a small point, which will then determine our total experience, like a veil we pull over our eyes.

The weather continued to be very warm and I walked to the tourist office in the city centre. I received a map and a rough outline of what I could expect to find in the city. The rest of the day I spent walking from one historical site to another. I was impressed by the amount and the beauty of the sites and in the evening I walked to a jazzcafè where a band would be playing. I arrived an hour late but the band hadn't started yet. Even though I was told that the place was 'full' and that I had no 'reservation' I did not allow that to discourage me. I said in Spanish that it didn't matter and that I would listen from behind the fence then! (they had build a little fence around the outdoor seating area) The lady at the entrance then proceeded to give me one of their foldable chairs anyways and I set myself down just next to the fence, being able to perfectly see the concert and enjoy the music. I had a great time.

Because Girona was fairly small (compared to Barcelona) I projected that I should also make some excursions by car left and right. By looking on the internet I found a small beach (Platja Fonda) that seemed fun to drive to and that’s exactly what I did the next day. I got up early enough to make sure I would find a parking spot and off I was…

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 399 - My Journey into Spain - Second Chapter

On the third day in Barcelona, I had to start to make a decision about what I was going to do next. I had only booked 4 nights in the hotel where I was currently staying. The thought had crossed my mind that I could prolong my stay, but within myself I also did not feel clear on why I should do that. Ideally I should rent a car, leave Barcelona and start exploring other parts of the region. 

I think it was on that very same day that I realised it was possible to take the Teleferic de Muntjuic all the way to the top of the Muntjuic mountain where the Muntjuic castle is located. I was walking my way up to the lower planes and gardens of the mountain, when I saw a line of people waiting to enter the Teleferic station. It seemed like a lot of people already, but I was immediately eager to also take the Teleferic. As I joined the line of people, I realised that the Teleferic was actually still closed but it was about to open in just 2 minutes. Once the door of the station opened, the queue moved inside rather quickly and within 10 minutes I was stepping inside my own cabin. 

When the Cabin started rolling along the cable, I felt a gracious happyness. I was enjoying myself a lot. I wanted to make lots of photograps because the views were really stunning. Within myself I felt like this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and this caused me to actually create stress about taking enough pictures. At that point I realised that I should give myself the space to simply enjoy and sit and breathe. So I settled within myself and when appropriate, I took a photograph.

Once I walked out of the cabin at the top, there was an area which had a stunning view over the industrial harbour of Barcelona. I walked around and took some pictures. At one point I saw a seagull flying at about my height, perhaps 20 meters away from me. Except that he was flying besides the mountain so he was floating really high in the sky from his vantage point. In that moment I could stand in the shoes of the Saegull because I was looking down at pretty much the same depth below. Upon experiencing the Seagull I came up with the following lines on that day:

"Als je een Meeuw bent,

Mag je geen hoogtevrees hebben."

(When you are a Seagull,

You cannot have fear of heights.) 

The castle in itself was not of that much interest to me, except that it offered more nice views over the whole area of Barcelona. On my way down with the Teleferic (because I bought a return ticket, you could also choose to walk all your way down again) I started to seriously look at the point at hand as I saw that I had to make a decision: what am I going to do next? I used my right hand to guide me as I was looking at the point and what stood out for me in that moment was that I was not comfortable with the idea of traveling around the country. Within myself I went: am I just allowed to do that? I cancel the whole idea of traveling around and I simply stay the whole time in Barcelona? I went pfft yes let me just do that. I mean I am having a lot of fun in Barcelona. 

I did not look at the point further untill later that day, I think it was the afternoon, when I realised: hey, wait a minute, this doesn't make sense. Because when it came down to the historical city of Barcelona, the truth was that I was starting to become fed up with being there. It was suddenly clear and obvious that staying here was not an option at all. And this experience of fed-up ness had already come up the previous day as well - hence I knew that this was the reality of the situation. I knew that now, and only now, I was ready to move on. That evening in the hotel I booked a car for eight days and I bought a returnflight to Belgium. 

I had nine more days to spend in Spain and tomorrow was my last day in Barcelona. 

Day 390 - On the nature of Assumptions

Today I write about this point that is very relevant to my process : assumptions and how I make assumptions within communication. When I wrote about this and I looked at the point at first glance it seemed like the assumption is made in an 'automatic' way and I then respond to the assumption - but that is not true. In reality I am already aware that I do not have all the facts but DESPITE that awareness I still decide to impose an assumption on the situation. In my case I will often assume a 'worst case' meaning onto what was said. Simply because I do not understand why someone said something - I will assume they had an underlying selfish reason. I insert my (secret) interpretation into the conversation and instead of working with what was said I start responding to my interpretation which is in a way a form of desperation. I am desperate, because I am too shit scared to simply ask for clarifications on what was said so as to help me understand and in fact stand equal to the person I am communicating with. Now, I fear inequality, because I am assuming that the other person cannot be trusted, and so to turn the tables in my favor I will now respond to that perceived injustice : there is no better way to make an ass out of yourself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am not clear why someone is saying something, immediatley assume that they are secretly trying to deceive me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made a habit out of following my assumptions which is a form of cowardice - rather than to check back with the person and clarify what it is they said. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise the extent of the turmoil I am willing to create by allowing myself to act and speak on an assumption - instead of simply admitting that I do not know: I do not know what was said. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to communicate 'perfectly' so as to always be immediately clear to me - when in reality my own communication is not at that level at all and I m not even standing as an exemple of what I expect. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that by choosing for assumptions I am actually choosing for the probability of conflict and seperation.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself being unsure as to what was said, to simply be real about it and ask for clarifications. 

I commit myself to be sensitive to the energy that I experience when I want to make an assumption and I take a breath. I breathe and I check myself and I check with the person: ok what do you mean by that? 

I commit myself to practice my communication and be vulnerable with myself and the other in being open about what it is I understood and if this is correct? 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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First Man (2018) Movie Review

I finished watching the film 'First Man' (2018) and would like to share some observations regarding this film. Initially I was not very interested to see it, because I was no longer interested in the topic of 'space travel' and 'astronauts', believing I had already seen enough movies on the subject. But, I found the approach towards the topic very original and in moments actualy breath-taking. 

In this film you follow Neil Armstrong in his career and the process he walked to become an astronaut at NASA. After he has been selected to take part in the moonlanding project, something interesting unfolds and becomes clear in the film: this project is actually a life-endangering mission. Even the tests and preparations they have to participate in on earth, are already life-threatening, because that is the level of risk the astronauts will be exposed to once they are in space. On one occasion, 3 atronauts simply die while waiting in the cockpit of a ship, as they sit and wait for a racket to be launched. But instead of the rocket launching, the cockpit exploded due to a malfunctioning. 

Because of this and other events, you realise that the astronauts were actually used as 'canon fodder' by the government, because it was known that each one of them could die, but the project was pushed anyways, due to the political urgency to establish superiority by landing on the moon.  When placing all these elements together, in a way I lost respect for this whole endeavour. I do not see the value in working on a project that actually disregards it's participants. A project with an outcome of value should bring value to all of its contributors and not deliberately sacrifice some of them so that a few may benefit. That sounds more like a cult. For this reason, projects that involve deliberate harm being done and beings being put at risk for no justifiable reason, should simply not exist. 

There is enough value that can be created in this world through projects that actually support human beings, animals and nature, and with much greater effect  - without requiring us to blow ourselves up. Being a 'hero' does not always mean that you MUST PUT YOUR LIFE AT RISK. There are ways to be of support to yourself and your environment that are respectful towards yourself and towards others. Look for instance at what my friend Gian Robberts is doing with his 'Earth Haven' community: slowly but surely, building a nest of support in Panama for people who are willing to come and 'learn' what it means to live together and 'reconnect' with the tissue of life. 

Day 386 - Humanity's Comfort Zone

A point that I am working with is the repeated pattern of resisting and trying to avoid to explore certain area's of reality when they come into my world in a way that I did not plan for. 

For instance this evening my partner brought up the issue regarding the squeecking doorhandles and that we could use this time to fix that: I immediately started to lament that this is not what I had planned for my evening and I even did not believe that we would be able to accomplish resuslts in working on this problem. Hence in my approach towards myself and the situation I was not even giving us a chance. 

But lo and behold, in doing some brief research online my partner figured out how to take off the door handles and even how to take out the entire mechanism of the inner lock. We looked at it, discussed it, lubricated the parts, cleaned everything, put the parts back on the door and there was no more squeeking sound... I was indeed proud in the end that we had spend our evening in solving this problem rather then letting the opportunity go by. 

But underneath the pride was also shame that I had not simply seen the opportunity for what it was and that I had fought for my limitation. Why must I default into arguing for my limitations? What is the point of simply existing in this pattern and not changing? It is funny because in the moment of 'not wanting to' and 'giving reasons why' I already know deep down that I am just postponing to change myself - it is as if I am stating to myself and the world: not right now, I am not ready yet right now -- I will change 'later'. 

The point I need to change in myself is the moment where the 'dread' comes up towards doing something unplanned and out of my comfort zone - I need to unconditionally let go and breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and fool myself into believing that I am not ready for a point or a change, because in me being able to see the potential of change per definition means that I am already ready and that I am just wasting my own time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and hide inside a comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my comfort zones.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to be pushed outside of my comfort zones.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my comfort zones protect me and make me feel good - when in reality they leave me with shame and regret towards missed opportunities where I could grow and expand and reach my full potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust a mushy feeling inside myself intstead of breathing and using common sense to decide on an opportunity and a course of action.

I realise and understand that the feeling that says 'no, I don't want to' is actually fear and limitation and unecessary for me to go into. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my decisions based on how I feel instead of what I can actually see and sense would be a good opportunity for me to 'change' and step outside of a self-confined comfort-zone.

I commit myself to walk in clarity of this point and actually slow down and breathe when looking at a decision that 'throws me off' or 'puts me out of my comfort zone' -- I breathe and remain practical, I look at what is actually possible and what it is I can do.  

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 385 - A place to call Alone

As I prepare to post my blog I find these few sentences stored as a Draft on my blog, which are actually quite appropriate to share first:

I am in the process of moving. I kind of had a feeling that I would be moving but not in these circumstances. Hence it was very unexpected.  

What I found interesting is that once the decision was made to move, suddenly all the points that had seemed to be unsurmountable walls now became problems that we could handle. 

Also interesting how moving challenges me as I am very much a routine person and in my design I am very much 'resisting' the point of self-responsibility when everything is in flux. As if it is legitimate to be irresponsible when things are moving fast and in unexpected ways. 

Today's blog:

Recently we moved and left the city. The decision to move had been made in a very short time frame and we found a new place rather quickly. What I found interesting within this experience, is that I was able to simply 'leave' the place I had called my 'home' and move into a new one. I found this rather amazing. When I was living in the former place it felt as if the 'home' had so much substance and that it had become an integral part of me. But here I was simply walking away from it, cleaning it up and moving elsewhere. This made me realise that a 'home' is not something I should take for granted and that there is no such thing as the ONE home. In fact there are many different possibilities for a home. 

In and through the decision to move I had to embrace 'change' and for me the 'home' experience was related to things 'not changing' and remaining 'the same'. In this way the need for me to experience a 'home' can then also become compromising because for me to experience a 'home' I need to control my environment and make sure things don't change too much. When 'home' is defined in this way, we become scared of change and we will actually seek to avoid change.  'Home' then becomes something 'evil' because we use it to stop growing and expanding.

It was important for me to realise that I can make the decision to change home and execute that decision - because even though it is a lot of effort, it is technically possible. There are many things in this life that we do not consider because of the perception that they will take too much effort, but they are possible. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 379 - Forget about the Reasons Why

Forget about the 'reasons why' we are in confinement for a moment and simply take it 'as is': many of us are spending the majority of their time at home and the world seems to be 'standing still'. This 'standing still' of the world can be seen as a moment of 'pauze', as a moment between an in-breath, and an out-breath.

Many of us are actually 'calming down' through the experience of being able to be home more often. Those of us who are in such an experience, can start to see a 'potential' for themselves, for others, for 'society', for 'life' - that is not so easily noticed when the world is operating in a 'rush'.

This 'pauze' that we are experiencing should therefore be carried within ourselves and even after the measures slowly dissolve. We are getting a glimpse of what is possible as an existence on earth. One where nature also gets to breathe and stretch her leggs. It is interesting how much panic has been created in regards to the virus, when the impact of the human species on nature and on the animal kingdom on a daily basis, is much more profound.

The virus is perhaps here to remind us that we are not the 'Masters' of this world, but that we are simply one among the billions of other HOSTS as plants and animal species in and of this world, nothing more and nothing less.

(to be continued...)

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 374 - You need to work faster

I had a dream where I am sitting with a college and he is telling me: you need to move/work faster.

After I woke up, I looked at this statement and my experience within it - and at first I was looking at justifying that this is 'only based on fears' and purely coming from my own mind, but in hinsight I see there is more to this.

I realise that the way this is being said to me is like a point of 'no choice' and it was made clear that this has to happen 'no matter what'. Within myself I perceive that I somehow still have a 'choice' : in the moment of saying yes I will do it, in terms of actually comitting to it - I hold back.

In terms of referencing my dream back to reality: One could say that the pace at which I move myself is 'acceptable' but in reality I know that I can do better: in other words there are many moments where I see that I could be moving myself much more effectively.

I commit myself to break down into details what it would mean for me practically to work/move faster.

I commit myself to find and map out all the little points and moments where I sabotage my own self-movement - by distracting myself and being diverted - breaking my own flow.

I commit myself to removing all the hurdles and limitations that would prevent me from working in a way where I honor myself by being effective and diligent in my work.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 368 - Learn to Smile without Guilt

I remember when I was in South Africa in 2009 and Bernard said to me:  “You have to learn to smile without feeling guilty.“

As always I could not immeditaley grasp the full extent of what he was saying. I reflected on his words and realised that I indeed did not feel comfortable smiling – and that I saw smiling as a way of ‚selling out‘. Because (my belief was that) I was not ‚being true to myself‘. Because ‚why do I have to smile‘?

This goes hand in hand with the apprehension I had towards the system in general and the world of money in particular. Because in the world of money, everything was about ‚smiling‘ and keeping up a ‚positive image‘.

So, why should I ‚smile‘ ?

Later on when I would be working at a job back in my country – I started to realise the meaning of what he said. In essence, smiling was neither positive nor negative. Smiling was simply a way of expressing myself by using my face. Now what I found is that the more I would practice smiling, the more I would start enjoying it.  Meaning, I would be able to put on a big smile at will, and within that actually enjoy myself. I remember one day we had to participate in a photo shoot for work because marketing needed our profile pictures and people generaly appreciated my photo because it was astounding how much I was enjoying myself on the picture.

There was no more uncomfortableness, no more ‚guilt‘.

This is also a point of walking through “morality“ regarding the rules I had imposed on myself in orther to be an “authentic person.“ I found that when I smile, the expression of me enjoying myself was authentic. It was not fabricated. Within me smiling was my genuine expression. This is also a statement that I am cool with enjoying myself – that I am ok with me having fun. There was nothing to hide and nothing to pretend.

Since then, I have continued to play with my ability to smile and used it as much as I could with people in my world. I found that when I allow myself to smile in this way people will be much more open with me and much more willing to share themselves with me. Therefore, smiling is also a way of opening yourself up to the world and stepping out of isolation.  

This is therefore a nice way of applying a ‚behavioral correction‘ within yourself and your world as support for an ‚internal correction‘.  

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 367 - Late at Night in the Rain

I was driving through the streets at night with heavy rain. I had to drive very carefuly because of the weather and because there was still trafic at this hour. On the road, almost towards the middle of my lane I saw a big white trahsbag lying. It was full and had probably fallen off the sidewalk, where more trashbags were lying on a heap. I had to quickly drive around the trahsbag as my thinking was that I would rather not drive over it. At this point there was a man walking on the sidewalk.

When I had passed the trashbag I looked in my rear window a moment later and saw how the man noticed the trashbag, picked it up from the street and put it on the sidewalk. I thought he must have realised that the trahsbag could be a hindrance and so he took the initiative to go and pick up the trashbag to avoid any problems. Even though it was not ‚his situation‘, he made it ‚his situation‘.

In this moment I spoke words of thankfulness out loud in my car, because I would have done the same and I could see how the potential to do what is best in a situation exists in everyone, which is a point of 'innocence'.

That would be so cool, if we could genuinly rely on each other. Imagine a world in which we can trust eachother at all times to do what is best for all – that is when life will be born.   

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 365 - at the Edge of Storytelling

I like stories (films, novels, comic books, etc) and my partner likes it when afterwards I tell her the story in my own words. This self-forgiveness is about one of those instances where I was telling her a story and during the conversation I started to feel annoyed and irritated:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get impatient when my partner does not understand where i am at with the story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suddenly feel ‚abused‘ because my partner is asking me to explain more about the story so that she can follow better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when my partner at any given moment can no longer follow me – and take that as a sign that I am not qualified to tell the story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and prevent my partner from interrupting me when I am telling my story, by raising my voice, instead of realising and understanding that it is ok to pause and let the person ask her questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as weakness if I allow the person to interrupt me in my story.

I forgive myself to want to be ‚God‘ in my telling of the story and within that want to be ‚perfect‘ instead of realising it is not about me being perfect – but about creating an exchange of value between me and my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if my partner asks questions that means that I am not good enough and I have failed at telling my story.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compete with my partner whilst telling the story – instead of developing enjoyment in me telling the story unconditionally and allow the story to be a dialogue as well if my partner has questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I know best how the story needs to be told and in what order, and therefore if my partner is asking me to go back to a part of the story that she has questions about I will be unwilling to go back and insist that i must continue the story in the way that i am telling it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that ‚perfection‘ is being able to tell the story perfectly – presenting all the elements perfectly – instead of realising perfection is about me being clear within myself in every breath as I tell the story and being able to ‚let go‘ of any expectations that I have myself as to how the telling of the story must go.

I commit myself to tell the story unconditionally – wherin I walk the story breath by breath – and I allow myelf to enjoy the sharing of the story, instead of feeling pressured and fearing that something will not be understood. I realise that at any time I can clarify things and add more information so that my partner can also learn from the story. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 363 - Ping Pong always Wrong

Here are a few lines I wrote in relation to a pattern of going into conflict with 'words' and wanting to be acknowledged:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a ping pong game of righteousness.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself participating in ping-pong as energy and 'competition' I stop and breathe, and I let the moment pass.

I realise and understand there is nothing to win as I am already here.

I commit myself to speak words in clarity, stability and from a startingpoint of one and equal respect for myself and life.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 362 - The Measure of a Man (Film 2015)

I recently saw the French movie named 'La Loi du Marché' which should have been translated as 'The Law of the Market' but instead you will find translated as 'The Measure of a Man'.

In this story the main character faces unemployment after having been fired from his previous job. He then faces the bureaucracy of the supporting organisations that exist to offer him support with getting him hired again, but he soon realises that these mostly exist to keep him busy and going in circles. Within this process he faces a lot of stress because he has a son who is handicapped and who requires a lot of expensive care and special treatment. Additionally he has not yet fully paid off the loan on their house.

When he then finds a job again he is faced with internal conflict as he is made to perform tasks that he feels 'bad' about. He is namely hired as a security agent to control the shopping behavior of customers in a large grocery store. As he is introduced into his role, which involves learning how to operate all the security camera's in the store, he learns that he must not only check on the customers but also on the employees of the store. In effect, his task is also to make sure that employees do not steal from the store.

The strength of this movie is in showing the reality of people, both customers and employees alike, not being able to make ends meet and who will be compelled to steal in a grocery store. Most people who are caught stealing seem to be people who simply don't have enough money to buy the things they would like or which they require. This will place the main character in a difficult position as his testimony as a security agent will be used to fire those employees who have been caught stealing. This causes him heartache because he knows exactly what they are going through as he has been there himself.

In one particular instance the firing of an employee leads to a suicide as the person could no longer support herself and she had a son with drug problems. After this and a few more instances, the main character one day decides to walk away from his job as he is disgusted with himself and what he has to do for money.

This is where I want to offer perspective.

As much as I can understand the reaction of the main-character, the actual answer was not within walking away from his job. The system and the world we live in is a cruelty beyond words - but it is one which we have created collectively. This means that the system nor any part of it can be judged or 'rejected' - it has to be 'walked' so as to understand ourselves and how we created this. We have been brainwashed to believe that 'standing up' means to fight the system, but this is not so. Standing up means first and foremost taking responsibility for ourselves and 'who we are' as the version of 'life' we have become. Are we proud of ourselves in thought, word and deed or are we ashamed of the things we secretly think and participate in in our minds? How can we judge the system when we cannot even stop our own secret thoughts of spitefulness towards eachother? The only real change is inner change and only then can a new system emerge. 

For more information about what it means to take responsibility for oneself, visit:
http://www.desteni.org 

Day 358 - Patience and Self-Reliance

A few nights ago I could not sleep as I was feeling uncertain about a decision I needed to make. I realized that whatever I do I need to be clear in my starting point, specifically I cannot allow any self-deception to influence me in my decision. There was also a sense of urgency, as I would not be able to postpone this decision for much longer. Within this I was feeling quite ‘shaken’ and because I had been very preoccupied about this point I was also feeling exhausted. A part of me simply wanted to go to bed and ‘give myself a break from this experience’ and ‘finally rest’ – however I kept on lying wide awake in bed, unable to calm myself down.

I had already written about the issue at hand throughout the day more than once, therefore I initially dismissed to go back to writing. In a way I was facing a point where in the past I would have written to Bernard and asked him for a perspective – and this desire to get someone else to clarify the situation ‘for me’ still existed. In fact I had already received input from my partner on the matter I was dealing with on that day, and there was even a thought for a moment that I could go and ‘ask her again’. But within all this there was fundamentally an unwillingness in myself to take responsibility for the situation I was dealing with.

I realized that it is up to me to create the clarity I need. I therefore got out of bed and got my notebook to make additional notes on the point. I directed myself to look at the issue and initially I still found no clarity – I was still nervous and uncertain. When I was done making notes I put my book aside and went back to bed. I could feel that the point was still brewing in me – I forgave myself for feeling helpless and used breathing to stabilize myself. After 10 or 15 more minutes of lying down, suddenly the point shifted within me and it made a ‘click’ like a puzzle piece that fits. I suddenly had found a way to see which choice would be best for all and with this satisfied feeling I became very calm and finally was able to go to sleep.

This experience showed me that I have to be able to show extreme patience with myself and that even when there are no immediate results and things seem very bad, that is no excuse to give up on my own support. Even though I did not know what to do in an absolute sense – because I kept on supporting myself against all odds, the answer then later on revealed itself ‘by itself’. Had I run and asked for ‘help’ I would have missed the point of creating self-reliance and the realization that I have the capacity to give myself perspective and establish clarity. Because underlying all this was also the question I asked myself: one day I must inevitably become able to give clarity to myself on difficult issues – it cannot be that I remain eternally enslaved to ‘asking others for perspective’ – because that means that I remain ‘confused’ instead of developing self-insight and self-trust. If Bernard could do it then – eventually – I must also be able to do it.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 357 - From irritation to Equality

We had planned on making a little trip outside of town and go for a walk. We had made preparations in terms of the trajectory along which we would be walking and also where we would be parking the car.

When we arrived we wanted to determine the starting point of the walking trajectory. We were still sitting in the car and looking at a little map on one of our phones. At the same time I was working from memory regarding the plan I had seen on the computer earlier and I had also seen how this correlated with the street map on our GPS system in the car. Based on this I was sure about where exactly the starting point of the walking trajectory was in relation to the car. I told my partner and wanted us to move on and get out of the car.

To my partner however, my assessment was not entirely clear and she was not convinced that my direction was correct. In this moment I started to experience irritation because I was within myself justifying that I was ‘certain’ and therefore my partner was irresponsible in wanting us to spend more time on determining the beginning of the trajectory, so my backchat went.

At the same time I realized there had been countless situations where I had perceived myself to be correct about a point which then later on turned out to be ‘incorrect’. Therefore I calmed myself down with breathing and started to explain patiently to my partner, using all the tools we had available, the phone and the GPS – also getting out of the car myself to verify the streetnames outside - until she actually arrived at the same conclusion that I had come to.  Then, we were both on equal footing and together we left the car and started our walking trajectory.

This to me was a little victory, because it showed me how easily I would have let something so small turn into a point of friction and conflict – instead of applying humbleness and within that creating equality. And how much more enjoyable it was to simply be patient and share and communicate than to become emotional. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 355 - Remembering an EQAFE Interview

It has been a while that I have been wanting to share this experience I had with an EQAFE interview, yet have been unable to, due to many changes in my life that are now slowly coming to an end.

One day I was sitting with my partner. I had come to sit with her because she was dealing with a point. This point in question was a point she had been bringing up more than once, and in the back of my mind there was already a judgment about 'not this point again'.

As she was speaking her concerns and her considerations, which were initially the same as I had heard previously (so I told myself) – I started to feel a pressure within myself to ‘intervene‘  and ask her to ‘calm down‘ and telling her that she was being ‘emotional‘. Within her words there was a certain agitation based on the unresolvedness of this conflcit and I could feel that she felt ’stuck‘ with this point.

Normally I would have given in to the temptation to start ’interrupting‘ and ‘speaking‘ under the pretext of ’supporting the person‘ (but in reality only as an attempt to control her as a way to stop my own un-ease with the situation) – yet in that moment a message from an EQAFE interview came up within me, I recalled it and saw how I could use it in this moment.

The EQAFE interview (I do not recall the name of it) was about that we sometimes need to be patient when dealing with our own mind. In the interview an example was given of a child trowing a tantrum and how one cannot simply expect the child to stop ‚in one moment‘ but that it may be required for the child to `act out the energies and the tantrum before he can start to stabilize himself again‘ – in other words: sometimes it is required to let the energies simply run out. In the interview it was then suggested that we take a similar approach with ourselves, when finding ourselves in an energetic or emotional state: it may be required for us to run out the energies first before we can start to create stability and clarity within ourselves again.

Back to the situation with my partner: Without me basically saying or doing anything – but simply by remaining quiet and letting my partner speak - , she eventually regained stability within herself which I could hear in her words as she was continuing to speak. Not only did she regain stability within herself but she was even able to move further than that and ended up formulating a solution to the inner conflict – without me contributing even a single word. As this happened I realised what I had done in the previous instances and how I had actually prevented the person from resolving her issue. I had actually misunderstood my role: my role was not to ’try and help‘ the person but to simply ’let her be‘ and ’give her the space and time‘ to develop her own insight. I had to sctually stand back and let her speak to me. That was my role.

For more information about EQAFE interviews, please visit: https://eqafe.com 

Day 349 - Replacing the Driver

In April I was in Spain with my parents to spend a small week with them. On one of our trips my dad who was driving the car was not feeling well, and and that point I wanted to suggest that I should drive. When him not feeling well continued I said that I should drive and my mother asked to pull over so we could switch.

At this point I was not 100 % sure that I would be able to drive this car very well because I only have been driving for 2 years plus I seldom drive during the week. Another dimension which caused slight apprehension was that I would be driving the car with 5 people (me included) which I had never done before.

However, once I started the car all seemed to go well and a few minites later we were back on the motorway continuing our trajectory.

This was an interesting experience for me because it allowed me to assess a situation and what I could contribute to the situation even though within myself I did not feel 100% confident. But because I took the step (others could have taken over the driving as well instead of me) it allowed me to expand myself in the point of driving and gain trust within myself.

What I also realised is that when I take responsibility in a point then others will become supportive. For instance when I took the wheel my dad took the seat next to me and now and then would give me little pointers or ask me to slow down as the car was on the large side and not very powerful. This was a nice form of collaboration and I appreciated my dad and the gentleness of his support.

This was a cool instance for me of 'seeing an opportunity' and 'seizing the opportunity', where sometimes we simply have to move through a fear in an unexpected moment and then all we can do is be self-honest and take the leap.

*****
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Day 348 - No Direct Benefit

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience stress over having to help my partner with a problem that I experience as being futile and a waste of my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience so much resistance with assisting and helping my partner with directing points that require my assistance – so much so that I will tell myself that she can solve them by herself and is just wasting my time – even though in common sense I can see this is not the case and my help is really required.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw a tantrum when my help is required in something that I did not expect, that I will experience as unexpected and as ‘not my responsibility’ and I will ‘wish that I did not have to do this’ and experience it as a ‘sin’ that I need to now do this instead of doing that which I had planned for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freak out with having to help my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push my partner away within ‘not feeling like’ assisting her and supporting her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined these moments where I help and support my partner as a ‘loss’ when I perceive that there is ‘nothing in it for me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get obsessed with ‘my viewpoint’ of ‘losing out’ – instead of actually seeing the situation of the other and realizing that she needs my help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be greedy with my time because of only wanting to spend it in a way where there is ‘direct or indirect reward’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be self-obsessed within not seeing the needs and requirements of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make ‘others’ part of my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move within self-interest of wanting to win something from the things I do as a payment or reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend I need to ‘protect myself’ from the ‘irrational demands and requirements’ of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being trapped within helping someone else – where they are satisfied about their stuff moving forward but me being dissatisfied with my stuff not having moved forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to assist and support another out of jealousy that they will move forward with their stuff more than I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will DIMINISH if I help someone else without me experiencing any direct benefit from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I should always try and stay ahead of others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand equal to the other who is asking for my help – so as to stand in a relationship of supporting them and within that supporting myself, no matter who the other person is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to discriminate between who I will help and ‘when I feel like it’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to help when it is convenient for me too.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the world does not work according to what is convenient for me – as I share this world with billions of other beings who live their lives – hence the world is inherently unpredictable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear unpredictability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that within unpredictability I will not know what to do or who to be.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to remain comfortable with me no matter what new situation I find myself within.

When and as I see myself getting anxious over being asked to help – I stop and breathe and ‘let go’ of whatever I had planned for myself and which I judge as ‘more important’ than what the other person is asking my help for – and accept within myself that this is equally important and of equal value, as within supporting the other I also support myself.

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