Day 365 - at the Edge of Storytelling

I like stories (films, novels, comic books, etc) and my partner likes it when afterwards I tell her the story in my own words. This self-forgiveness is about one of those instances where I was telling her a story and during the conversation I started to feel annoyed and irritated:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get impatient when my partner does not understand where i am at with the story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suddenly feel ‚abused‘ because my partner is asking me to explain more about the story so that she can follow better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when my partner at any given moment can no longer follow me – and take that as a sign that I am not qualified to tell the story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and prevent my partner from interrupting me when I am telling my story, by raising my voice, instead of realising and understanding that it is ok to pause and let the person ask her questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as weakness if I allow the person to interrupt me in my story.

I forgive myself to want to be ‚God‘ in my telling of the story and within that want to be ‚perfect‘ instead of realising it is not about me being perfect – but about creating an exchange of value between me and my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if my partner asks questions that means that I am not good enough and I have failed at telling my story.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compete with my partner whilst telling the story – instead of developing enjoyment in me telling the story unconditionally and allow the story to be a dialogue as well if my partner has questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I know best how the story needs to be told and in what order, and therefore if my partner is asking me to go back to a part of the story that she has questions about I will be unwilling to go back and insist that i must continue the story in the way that i am telling it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that ‚perfection‘ is being able to tell the story perfectly – presenting all the elements perfectly – instead of realising perfection is about me being clear within myself in every breath as I tell the story and being able to ‚let go‘ of any expectations that I have myself as to how the telling of the story must go.

I commit myself to tell the story unconditionally – wherin I walk the story breath by breath – and I allow myelf to enjoy the sharing of the story, instead of feeling pressured and fearing that something will not be understood. I realise that at any time I can clarify things and add more information so that my partner can also learn from the story. 

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Day 350 - Waiting for Change instead of consistent Self-Movement

I see/ realise and acknowledge that a degradation has been going on of ‘me’ and my application within my life and my process. This degradation I have calmly hidden behind the belief that my life is hectic and that ‘I have no time’.

I hereby stop this belief and declare it non-valid.

I see that this degradation is and has been affecting all my relationships in my life and mostly puts me in a spot of ‘waiting’ for change to come and change to happen to me – like a salvation. I have thus become like the Christian who waits for salvation.

There is some insight here and there – but then I PLUNGE again within acts of deliberate spitefulness right back into the systematic life and living – right back into the ego and the mind. Just enough to fool myself with the belief ‘that I am still doing something’, ‘at least I am still doing my best’. In reality I am not doing my best at all and I have given up.

There needs to be a consistent movement of self as: self-application, self-breathing, self-writing, self-sharing, self-changing and self-expanding.

When none of this is happening then self will shrink in the mind.

I commit myself to daily:

Self-application

Self-breathing

Self-writing

Self-sharing

Self-changing

Self-expanding

and will daily challenge myself on these points: am I actually living these words or am I simply creating a BELIEF about myself ?

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