Day 384 - Living inside the Tip of the Iceberg

Here I would like to share some of the experiences I went through in the first few years of my process, after I had made my first visit to the farm. As I am suggesting in the title of this blog, I was living inside the Tip of an Iceberg. Before I went to the farm, I had a vision of myself as a person, and an idea about how I was walking my process. 

Little did I know of what was going to be unleashed in my life, by and through none other than... myself. The things that I faced and experienced were all a direct result of actions taken by me. That made it easier to reflect on my 'self-responsibility' and it did indeed prove that I am responsible for myself and my life. 

I remember the general anxiety and fear that existed in the back of me as a deep but very present sound, boiling deep within me. I had faced a few things before I made my first trip to the farm, I walked through some inner storms and turmoil. But still, that was nothing compared to what was to come. At the farm, Bernard made it clear on a few occasions that there was a 'madness' existing within me and that this is what I feared the most... 

I realised that there is not going to be any special treatments and I am going to face what I need to face. There is going to be no escape. And so I walked into my many rabbitholes, losing the plot, losing touch, no longer knowing what was up or down. How could this be? What did I do wrong? Why did I deserve this? The simple fact is that it was part of my design and I was simply facing my design. 

Bernard, and many others, supported me in understanding my responsibility - and that is all they could do. It was my responsibility to stand up and walk my process from the bottom. When things were still not working out and I had dugg a hole for myself, Bernard invited me back to the farm and gave me a second chance at creating a life for myself. This time I picked myself up and created a turn in my life. It took time, but the foundations were laid in my conversations with Bernard in South Africa. 

Had it not been for the support I received from the farm, Bernard, and everyone involved, including my parents, I would not have been able to face and walk through those darkest parts of myself in the way that I did. When I had walked out of it all, I had a 'purpose' and a 'life ambition'. Imagine, the key to changing the universe actually started with me giving myself the opportunity to live a real life. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 370 - Buying New Pants

After I had gained 10 kilo's in the course of the year, I started to worry about my weight. This 'problem' became also a practical problem because I could no longer fit my pants. I desperately started to do sports such as biking and running, but my weight remained pretty stable. I would go to work with a button of my pants open and long shirts so that no one would notice that I cannot close my pants anymore.

At this point I realised that I was abusing myself and my body and that I had to buy new pants, simply because I actually had the means to do so. Therefore I bought a set of new pants that would fit me comfortably and with which I could go to work. Within buying those pants, I also accepted that this is now my weight and I stopped being 'in conflict' with it.

After a few months another point opened up where I realised that I had developed a habit of overeating in the mornings. So, this is now a point that I am re-adjusting. It seems to me that this type of realisations and insight can only open up after I have made the step to embrace my body first, because as long as I am in fear I am also in denial of myself and my reality.

Another good blog that inspired me with perspective on this point is: https://parentingforlife.net/my-new-body/

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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