Day 356 - From conflict and fighting to Participation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freak out when F shows me how to position a curtain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get upset and shout "I don’t want you to intervene!"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I ‘lose my control’ because F does something ‘without my permission’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to panic because I fear losing some kind of arrangement I had and think she will ‘distort it’ and I think my solution is the only correct one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe and fall into reactions as emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify reacting emotionally because ‘she is not allowed to do that’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel interfered with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stepped over

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disrespected

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto my perception as ‘control’ instead of simply breathing and letting go and allowing the ‘risk’ of something new to unfold.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘defend’ that which I ‘know’ and ‘fear losing’ the relative comfort which my approach was providing, instead of allowing myself to try something new and seeing if it does not work better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself with an automatic ‘no’ towards anything that challenges me and questions the way I do things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fearful and aggressive about a point so simple as the way a curtain is arranged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself so seriously that I think that my way is the best way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into ego instead of allowing myself to see a solution for what it is, irrespective of who presents it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with F and wanting to prove my value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use conflict instead of breathing and simple communication.

I commit myself to – when and as I see myself reacting to something small and simple where I perceive that I am being interfered with – to stop and breathe, take a moment and speak from clarity and participate with the other person in her suggested solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘fight it’ instead of ‘participating in it’ and going all the way in contributing to it – this way making it in effect impersonal and applying and testing what is best for all.

I commit myself to test participating and walking unconditionaly with solutions offered by another person as a way to move through my fears of losing.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use panic and drama as a way to dissuade another person from showing me something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use forcefulness as shouting or physically holding onto something as a way to dissuade another person from showing me something.

I commit myself to physically let go and create the space for another to show me something, whitin the realisation that what is best for all is also best for me - therefore I have nothing to lose, as a best for all solution is impersonal.

(To be continued)
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