Yesterday we went dancing for New Year's Eve. We had a good time, but in order for us to get to the decision of what we wanted to do - it was a painful process.A week or so ago I had committed to finding us a venue where we can go and dance on NYE. The problem was that after having made that statement, I did not do one single thing that would contribute to this outcome.
When I looked at this point this morning, I could see that there had been no clear commitment on my part to actually make it happen, to make it work. When it came down to it, I didn't care. Now I could tell myself that I am not a kind person for whom this celebration is very important, but that is all besides the point because the reality is that I had said that I would 'find something' - and in the moment of doing so I also actually wanted for us to go dancing as well.
In other words I 'wanted something' but I did not want to take 'responsibility for it'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want something but not have the courage to take responsibility for it - to own up to it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty if I were to spend time on finding a place to dance on NYE.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse the responsibility for organising our evening, because 'what if I fail' - 'what if my partner does not like it'.
And so it happened that yesterday, realising that I had to take responsibility, I simply took a deep breath and said: Let's go to T&T to dance. This is something I had come across on the internet but that I had remained undecided about because I thought it was expensive. Yet, within suggesting this option for us - I was clear within myself that this was a good idea. In other words, I was perfectly able to direct this point, but I simply had postponed the point of taking responsibility. When I took my breath and I looked within myself, I asked myself what would I like myself - what is it that I am willing to do tonight? Only after I embraced the full responsibility, and with that the possibility that my partner would not like what I would recommend, did I have access to clarity.
-----------------------------------------------------------
For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org
-----------------------------------------------------------
