Day 382 - Gollum and the Ring

A statement that came up within me yesterday while we were discussing the Symbolism in the Lord of the Rings, was: "You are not worthy of my gold." And I wrote down that statement. 

Within this, was contained the attitude of Gollum towards his Ring made from gold, which he would cherish in secret and share with no-one. The statement I wrote down reflected how I could myself relate towards Gollum and his Ring, where the Ring represents a part of me where I 'let no-one in', I keep it to myself and I use fierce anger to push those away who try to come near.

Later, when doing my writing in my bed, I continued: "You are not worthy of my gold. You are not allowed to see it, you are not allowed to touch it, you are not allowed to hold it."

I could see how this patterns plays out in my intimate relationships and also with people in general when I start to 'detect' that they actually like me and want to be vulnerable with and towards me: this is where I suddenly 'flip' and give signals that I am not trustworthy and they need to keep their distance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use non-trustworthyness and betrayal as mechanisms to keep people at bay and not wanting them to come close, in fear that they would actualy develop a relationship with me in which I can be open and vulnerable - because then I have no more excuse to simply be open and vulnerable.

A word of support that came up for me to walk this point of Vulnerability, is the word Surrender. In the past I could never give much use to this word, as it seemed to imply some form of giving up one's power and/or abdicating responsibility and/or going along with something over which I have no control. Yet, here it seemed appropriate and fitting. Because with Surrender I do in effect let go of control which is also a letting go of Fear.

I ended my writing last night with: "Surrender - I remain. I as all as one as equal."

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 381 - On the Fear of Apologising

One evening I had decided to stay a little longer at the office so that I could finish something, but as I had made this decision, I was also allowing myself to get distracted by what was happening on the workfloor around me.

One college then picked up on me being 'interested' and came standing in front of my desk with her arms up in the air, to tell me her part of the story. At this point I felt 'trapped' and I 'snapped' at the college, saying that 'I'm not interested'.

These words had a profound impact on my college and she felt deeply humiliated and angry. Within myself I kept telling myself that I was justified in my stance and that I had done 'nothing wrong'. But the following day I could clearly see that my college was still very much upset about what happened and I could feel that something had been 'destroyed'.

That's when it first occured to me that I should go and apologise to her. Notwithstanding this realisation, I continued to try and argue with myself that 'I am not to blame' and 'what if I go and apologise and then she will think that she was right and I was wrong????!!!' Basicaly I perceived that I had something to lose by going to apologise. However, it became clear rather quickly that I could no longer postpone this point and so when the moment was right I walked up to her and whent to sit next to her. I placed my hand gently on her shoulder and I said that I realised that I should not have spoken to her in that manner and that I was sorry.

I could see that she was very relieved by me saying this and that she was then able to drop all the build up anger that she had been carrying around. She said it was very good of me to come and tell her this and I promised that I will not speak like that again.

What is interesting for me in this event is that I was trying to 'place the responsibility' with the other person, claiming that they are responsible for their own emotional reactions. While this is so from an absolute perspective, the fact remained that I had actually created this turmoil in the person because I had spoken words in inconsideration. That made me equally responsible.

Additionaly, within writing this blog it became clear to me that she only had mirrored my own willingness to be distracted and not actually focus on my work and hence my so-called decision to stay longer at the office had not really been clear from the start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have snapped at my college 'because of the way she made me feel' which was 'trapped' because I had already trapped myself due to my dishonesty of claiming I had to stay longer at the office, but in reality I wanted to go home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at the time have placed money above my ability to support myself by giving time to myself as the responsibility I have to myself and to life as all as one as equal.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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