Day 358 - Patience and Self-Reliance

A few nights ago I could not sleep as I was feeling uncertain about a decision I needed to make. I realized that whatever I do I need to be clear in my starting point, specifically I cannot allow any self-deception to influence me in my decision. There was also a sense of urgency, as I would not be able to postpone this decision for much longer. Within this I was feeling quite ‘shaken’ and because I had been very preoccupied about this point I was also feeling exhausted. A part of me simply wanted to go to bed and ‘give myself a break from this experience’ and ‘finally rest’ – however I kept on lying wide awake in bed, unable to calm myself down.

I had already written about the issue at hand throughout the day more than once, therefore I initially dismissed to go back to writing. In a way I was facing a point where in the past I would have written to Bernard and asked him for a perspective – and this desire to get someone else to clarify the situation ‘for me’ still existed. In fact I had already received input from my partner on the matter I was dealing with on that day, and there was even a thought for a moment that I could go and ‘ask her again’. But within all this there was fundamentally an unwillingness in myself to take responsibility for the situation I was dealing with.

I realized that it is up to me to create the clarity I need. I therefore got out of bed and got my notebook to make additional notes on the point. I directed myself to look at the issue and initially I still found no clarity – I was still nervous and uncertain. When I was done making notes I put my book aside and went back to bed. I could feel that the point was still brewing in me – I forgave myself for feeling helpless and used breathing to stabilize myself. After 10 or 15 more minutes of lying down, suddenly the point shifted within me and it made a ‘click’ like a puzzle piece that fits. I suddenly had found a way to see which choice would be best for all and with this satisfied feeling I became very calm and finally was able to go to sleep.

This experience showed me that I have to be able to show extreme patience with myself and that even when there are no immediate results and things seem very bad, that is no excuse to give up on my own support. Even though I did not know what to do in an absolute sense – because I kept on supporting myself against all odds, the answer then later on revealed itself ‘by itself’. Had I run and asked for ‘help’ I would have missed the point of creating self-reliance and the realization that I have the capacity to give myself perspective and establish clarity. Because underlying all this was also the question I asked myself: one day I must inevitably become able to give clarity to myself on difficult issues – it cannot be that I remain eternally enslaved to ‘asking others for perspective’ – because that means that I remain ‘confused’ instead of developing self-insight and self-trust. If Bernard could do it then – eventually – I must also be able to do it.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 357 - From irritation to Equality

We had planned on making a little trip outside of town and go for a walk. We had made preparations in terms of the trajectory along which we would be walking and also where we would be parking the car.

When we arrived we wanted to determine the starting point of the walking trajectory. We were still sitting in the car and looking at a little map on one of our phones. At the same time I was working from memory regarding the plan I had seen on the computer earlier and I had also seen how this correlated with the street map on our GPS system in the car. Based on this I was sure about where exactly the starting point of the walking trajectory was in relation to the car. I told my partner and wanted us to move on and get out of the car.

To my partner however, my assessment was not entirely clear and she was not convinced that my direction was correct. In this moment I started to experience irritation because I was within myself justifying that I was ‘certain’ and therefore my partner was irresponsible in wanting us to spend more time on determining the beginning of the trajectory, so my backchat went.

At the same time I realized there had been countless situations where I had perceived myself to be correct about a point which then later on turned out to be ‘incorrect’. Therefore I calmed myself down with breathing and started to explain patiently to my partner, using all the tools we had available, the phone and the GPS – also getting out of the car myself to verify the streetnames outside - until she actually arrived at the same conclusion that I had come to.  Then, we were both on equal footing and together we left the car and started our walking trajectory.

This to me was a little victory, because it showed me how easily I would have let something so small turn into a point of friction and conflict – instead of applying humbleness and within that creating equality. And how much more enjoyable it was to simply be patient and share and communicate than to become emotional. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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