Day 401 - My Journey into Spain - Fourth Chapter

I see it as worthwhile to continue and finish my series on this trip to Spain, because I have not even gotten to some of the coolest points that I faced and realised while on my trip.

(Please read my previous three posts for perspective and chronology of events.)

That morning I arrived fairly early at the parking lot to Platja Fonda (which is a small beach not too far from Girona). At first it seemed like it would be impossible to get in, because there was only one parking lot and the impression I had was that the cars were moving at a very slow pace and barely managing to receive a parking spot. In fact, the parking lot was being managed by one man alone and he was making sure that every single car would take a spot on the terrain exactly according to his directions, because this would allow for a maximum amount of cars to receive a spot, while also still being able to drive out. Now looking back at it, I can see how such a parking terrain could otherwise easily turn into a chaos with cars being stuck and unable to leave! So, the manager completed his daily Tetris and did a great job and I was rewarded for my patience with a parking spot. 

I changed inside the car because I had no idea what the beach would be like (I think I was wearing my swimmshorts underneath my normal shorts), and then I walked a few small streets down to a staircase that led downward to the beach. To simply walk down those stairs was already an experience in and of itself. The view over the beach was quite stunning. The area was failry small and I estimate that with 200 people the beach would have been completely full. 

After I had found myself a spot to lay down my towel, came the interesting part. I had a car key with me and my wallet, which I could not take with me in the water. Back in Barcelona I had faced a similar issue when I visited the outdoor pool (Piscina Municipal de Montjuïc), because I had assumed that there would be lockers in the change rooms in the building but there weren't! Being alone I had to improvise on how to deal with leaving my belongings by the pool while I would take a swim. My solution was to choose a spot in the plain midday sun (which was extremely hot) which is the spot that everyone at the pool was avoiding. By leaving my things there I was able to easily keep an eye on my stuff while swimming in the pool. It's not the best experience to have to keep an eye on one's stuff like that while swimming, but given the circumstances I was satisfied with my solution and it worked perfectly. 

Today at the Platja Fonda I could not apply the same logic, because the beach was too crowded, and so I looked around myself to see who I could possibly approach and speak to. I approached a woman with two or three daughters and asked her in Spanish if it was okay that I lay my towel next to theirs because I was alone at the beach and I have no one to watch my stuff while I go swimming. It then transpired that she didn't speak Spaninh very well because she was actually from France. That made it easier becasue I switched to French and explained my point in a way that was more comfortable and she agreed and said no problem. 

While I was swimming I was observing that there were children jumping from very high rocks into the water. Within witnessing the kids jumping off the rocks, I realised that this is somthing I fear doing - yet at the same time it seems fun. It occured to me that I could try this today as well, but then I dsimissed the thought because the moment did not feel right - meaning: I did not feel ready to actually now go and do it. (Sooner than I expected during this trip I would come accross another beach with kids jumping off high rocks). I allowed myself to let go from this point and simply enjoyed myself in the water. I found that it was particularly easy to simply 'float' in he water. I would make a big star shape with my arms and legs and I would just float with my face and toes facing the sun. For a moment I allowed myself to just be a leaf that floats on the small waves. I don't think that I have been able to float so effortlessly before, it was really easy. After an hour or two of alternating swimming and resting I decided to pack my stuff and head back for the car. I thanked the woman and said goodbye. (We did talk a bit but not a lot)

Now I don't remmeber if it was on the same day or the next, but I continued exploring the area by car and I visited a handful of historical villages. Visiting the villages kept me busy for half a day. During one of those visits, while I was walking on a downhill path along with a couple - I spoke to them and we got talking. They were Spanish and like me they were visitng the area. They gave me a few tips of other villages and sites to see and in the evening we bumped into each other again on one of those locations, which was extremely enjoyable. It takes so little sometimes to build a connection with someone. They got all excited and asked me if I saw those places they recommended and I said yes I did! If I had wanted I could have invited them to go have a drink somewhere, but my focus for now was on walking around and getting to see as much as I could. I ended our encounter with giving them a big thank you. 

At that point I was in a beach town close to Palafrugell (which is where the Spanish couple had sent me to, and it was indeed very beautifull). When I arrived at one of the small beaches by foot, the main attraction seemed to be high rocks (maybe 4 or 5 meters high) with children jumping and diving off them in the water. It seemed to me that turning down this opportunity now would be like shooting myself in the foot. I could have easily said to myself: but look how inconvenient, I don't even have someone to watch my wallet and keys and that's so uncomfortable! But instead I looked at the situation an reaslised that the moment was actually perfect and that if I did not do it now... then who am I fooling? I then walked back to the car to get my towel and came back with the intention of jumping of those rocks today, even though I did not yet know how I would go about it. As I was sitting on my towel in the sand (the beach was semi-crowded) I contemplated for a moment to burry my keys and wallet in the sand under my towel or something, but then I thought of that Australian film with Heath Ledger where he burried a bag full of money in the sand so that he could take a swim and when he came back the bag was gone, because someone had secretly watched him burry his stuff. So I decided to not make things unnecessarily complicated. 

I heard that there was a group of Dutch tourists laying on their towels not too far from me, they seemed like a bunch of friends, or two families maybe. I took a breath, collected my bravoure and went to speak to them. I asked them kindly if it was okay that I lay my stuff right next to them for a moment, for them to keep an eye on, because I am alone at the beach, while I dive off the rocks where the kids are. I said: "This is something I normally fear doing but today I want to try it." And they were all like: "No problem! Yeah, man go for it!!" 

The rocks were easily accessible but the actual jumping point was quite slippery and not so easy to stand on. In Belgium something like this would definately be prohibited for safety reasons lol. It must have been a funny sight to see me crawl to the jumping point, because I am quite tall and standing tall while walking on those wet and slippery rocks was really freaking me out. So I 'crawled' to the jumping point and only there did I stand up straight. I asked a boy who was standing next to me, 'where' it was best to jump and he pointed at an area in the water and basically said: as far as possible from the rocks. Off course the jump and dive in the water went all fine and I went for a second time!  

After that I had a short conversation with the Dutch guys. We talked about the differences between the Netherlands and Belgium and a little bit about politics and then I went off. It was an interesting experience for me to realise how I had been able to find the right people to speak to on that day, which had opened doors that otherwise would not have opened up for me. It was also interesting to realise that when the right communication is used, and you allow them to actually stand in your shoes, people are actually very understanding and supportive. This is a side of 'being alone' that I had not so often experienced before.   

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 400 - My Journey into Spain - Third Chapter

I was sitting in the car on a parking lot. I had reached the city of Girona. It was incredibly hot and being stressed I did not think of turning on the airco while I was looking at my phone. I had gone into a gloomy experience of myself, because based on my first impression of the outer area of the city, I had created the idea that the city was basically boring.

As I was allowing myself to sink further into this gloominess, I saw that my partner had sent me a text asking me where I was and what I was up to. In hindsight it was interesting to see how easily I was allowing myself to ‘give up’ and basically create an experience of myself where I felt ‘stuck’. I answered her that I was at the doorstep of Girona and that I was looking at what to do… She immediately wrote back saying that Girona is a beautiful city with lots to see and that I should stay there! The enthusiasm of her message made me realise that I was using flimsy perceptions to influence me in my self-direction. (she had already told me before that the city was worthwhile) I snapped out of my lethargy and started looking for hotels. Soon enough I found a nice hotel at a nice (last minute) discount price in the middle of the city with access to an underground parking nearby.

I was amazed at the fact that I was able to book a hotel right there in the car, simply by using the internet on my phone and a credit card. On top of that the hotel immediately wrote me in WhatsApp to give me some instructions and directions... It is only a year or so ago that I bought a smartphone that is really efficient enough to be used as a smartphone (My previous phone was 6 years old and not working anymore). This allows me to actually use all the ‘features’ and apps in a nice way – as a result of this I have started to use my phone much more. By hanging on to an old phone that was partially dysfunctional, it was as if I was refusing to use all the resources that were available to me in the world, simply because I was ‘judging’ how the world had changed as a result of the widespread use of smartphones. The truth is that without my new phone my journey into Spain would have been not so easy.  

The hotel in Girona (Condall Hotel) was very pleasant and it was actually one of my best hotel experiences ever, even despite there being no breakfast. The room was bright, neat and clean, with a nice street view. I immediately felt ‘at home’. I was happy and content with myself for being in the place where I was. Again, it is amazing to realise how we can let ourselves be influenced by a perception, a small point, which will then determine our total experience, like a veil we pull over our eyes.

The weather continued to be very warm and I walked to the tourist office in the city centre. I received a map and a rough outline of what I could expect to find in the city. The rest of the day I spent walking from one historical site to another. I was impressed by the amount and the beauty of the sites and in the evening I walked to a jazzcafè where a band would be playing. I arrived an hour late but the band hadn't started yet. Even though I was told that the place was 'full' and that I had no 'reservation' I did not allow that to discourage me. I said in Spanish that it didn't matter and that I would listen from behind the fence then! (they had build a little fence around the outdoor seating area) The lady at the entrance then proceeded to give me one of their foldable chairs anyways and I set myself down just next to the fence, being able to perfectly see the concert and enjoy the music. I had a great time.

Because Girona was fairly small (compared to Barcelona) I projected that I should also make some excursions by car left and right. By looking on the internet I found a small beach (Platja Fonda) that seemed fun to drive to and that’s exactly what I did the next day. I got up early enough to make sure I would find a parking spot and off I was…

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 399 - My Journey into Spain - Second Chapter

On the third day in Barcelona, I had to start to make a decision about what I was going to do next. I had only booked 4 nights in the hotel where I was currently staying. The thought had crossed my mind that I could prolong my stay, but within myself I also did not feel clear on why I should do that. Ideally I should rent a car, leave Barcelona and start exploring other parts of the region. 

I think it was on that very same day that I realised it was possible to take the Teleferic de Muntjuic all the way to the top of the Muntjuic mountain where the Muntjuic castle is located. I was walking my way up to the lower planes and gardens of the mountain, when I saw a line of people waiting to enter the Teleferic station. It seemed like a lot of people already, but I was immediately eager to also take the Teleferic. As I joined the line of people, I realised that the Teleferic was actually still closed but it was about to open in just 2 minutes. Once the door of the station opened, the queue moved inside rather quickly and within 10 minutes I was stepping inside my own cabin. 

When the Cabin started rolling along the cable, I felt a gracious happyness. I was enjoying myself a lot. I wanted to make lots of photograps because the views were really stunning. Within myself I felt like this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and this caused me to actually create stress about taking enough pictures. At that point I realised that I should give myself the space to simply enjoy and sit and breathe. So I settled within myself and when appropriate, I took a photograph.

Once I walked out of the cabin at the top, there was an area which had a stunning view over the industrial harbour of Barcelona. I walked around and took some pictures. At one point I saw a seagull flying at about my height, perhaps 20 meters away from me. Except that he was flying besides the mountain so he was floating really high in the sky from his vantage point. In that moment I could stand in the shoes of the Saegull because I was looking down at pretty much the same depth below. Upon experiencing the Seagull I came up with the following lines on that day:

"Als je een Meeuw bent,

Mag je geen hoogtevrees hebben."

(When you are a Seagull,

You cannot have fear of heights.) 

The castle in itself was not of that much interest to me, except that it offered more nice views over the whole area of Barcelona. On my way down with the Teleferic (because I bought a return ticket, you could also choose to walk all your way down again) I started to seriously look at the point at hand as I saw that I had to make a decision: what am I going to do next? I used my right hand to guide me as I was looking at the point and what stood out for me in that moment was that I was not comfortable with the idea of traveling around the country. Within myself I went: am I just allowed to do that? I cancel the whole idea of traveling around and I simply stay the whole time in Barcelona? I went pfft yes let me just do that. I mean I am having a lot of fun in Barcelona. 

I did not look at the point further untill later that day, I think it was the afternoon, when I realised: hey, wait a minute, this doesn't make sense. Because when it came down to the historical city of Barcelona, the truth was that I was starting to become fed up with being there. It was suddenly clear and obvious that staying here was not an option at all. And this experience of fed-up ness had already come up the previous day as well - hence I knew that this was the reality of the situation. I knew that now, and only now, I was ready to move on. That evening in the hotel I booked a car for eight days and I bought a returnflight to Belgium. 

I had nine more days to spend in Spain and tomorrow was my last day in Barcelona. 

Day 398 - My Journey into Spain - First Chapter

Normally when I travel abroad, I prefer to stay more or less in one location and not move around too much. But this time, the suggestion came up that I should 'travel around' and explore the country. I have never done this before on my own. With my partner we did travel to countries and we traveled around, but the initiation and the movement would come from my partner and I would just 'ride along'. 

Within my personality I have quite a bit of 'fears' as regards 'unpredictable things' that can happen whilst traveling, consequently for me to do this ony my own was an important step. When I leanred that I would not be able to travel to Panama less than 24 hours before the departure flight, I looked at the situation and talking with my partner, I decided that I wanted to travel to Spain instead. I had 2 weeks of holiday ahead of me and it was the middle of the summer. In a way it was perfect. 

So within the span of one day, I booked a one way ticket to Barcelona plus a hotel for 4 nights in the city. I did not know what I would do after those 4 nights nor did I know when I would fly home. But most likely I would after those 4 days, hire a car and travel to other places and then see when I would be ready to return home. I just had to make sure I'd be back after two weeks. 

The benefit was that my suitcase was already packed for a 2-week holiday. I simply had to replace some stuff and do some different paperwork as regards traveling to Spain. I enjoyed being able to simply book a flight and not know exactly when I'd return home. Many people do this type of traveling already in their twenties, but as I said, for me it was all new. 

What was interesting within this trip is that I knew where my fears and insecurities were. I knew that I would have to deliberately move myself to challenge myself and not fall back into comfort zones and fears of the unknown. In that sense my trip was quite expansive, because I did succeed in identifying those moments where I usually 'back off' in fear and instead guided myself to take small leaps of faith. 

The rest of my amazing journey will be posted on this blog in days to come. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 397 - On the Fear of RIDICULE

I recently re-watched an old episode from a Belgian satire series (called 'In de Gloria'), of which I had already seen all the episodes more than 10 years ago. What struck me this time around is one particular sketch that was presented as an 'interview' of a woman and her husband. The woman was going to her local church every Sunday and singing along with the choir, but the choir leader and the priest had 'stepped in' to have her remain silent during the singing because her singing was experienced as 'disruptive'. The interview starts out as being rather funny, but as the interview continued I realised there was also an 'innocent' element within the story.  

Upon her receiving the news that she was no longer allowed to sing, her husband went to buy a synthesizer in the store to help her with rythm. What is intended within the interview is for both the woman and her husband to be 'ridiculous', because of the way that they express themselves. Yet, one point I found interesting within the story/interview: which was that the husband was actually supporting his wife to deal with her problem. Meaning, he took equal ownership of the issue and they literally worked at it together because it was that important for his wife. So, what stood out for me is the quality of the collaboration between the man and the wife and how they stood as a team, even though their endevour might seem ridiculous to external observers. I actually found this last dimension to be completely irrelevant and actually besides the point.  

In reality what was being shown is how much a person can care for another person that they will walk a point like that together. Indeed, when the intent is pure, is does not matter what it looks like to external observers. Consequently, what the interview is actually revealing is that we will often not unconditionally support those that we care about because of the fear of ridicule. What does that say about us? 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Dag 396 - De Houthakker

Een houthakker leefde met zijn drie zonen

op een heuvel aan de rand van het bos.

Een stenen waterput, onderaan de heuvel,

voorzag hen van water,

maar stond deze zomer droog.

Op een dag speelden de zonen bij de waterput.

Ze klommen erin en wilden zien hoe diep de put was.

De oudste zoon hield zich vast aan een touw 

De twee anderen bengelden onder hem in het donker 

De knoop rond de boomwortel was sterk, 

maar de boomwortel was rot. Hij brak 

en de oudste zoon voelde dat niets hen nog tegenhield

Behalve de ijzersteke hand van vader 

rond zijn pols die hem plots omhoog trok.

"Ik had jullie gezegd niet in de put te klimmen.

De put wordt jullie dood.

Maar jullie willen bewijs, want mijn liefde is niet genoeg."

Toen greep vader de arm van de oudste zoon,

en brak hem als een tak. 

Hij zei:

"Een val in een diepe put, heeft je arm gebroken.

Je mag van geluk spreken, dat je nog leeft." 

Hij greep ook de voet van de jongste zoon,

en brak ook twee ribben van de laatste zoon. 

De drie zonen huilden.

"Dit is de dag van jullie neergang. Herinner je deze dag." 

Toen de zonen weer te been waren,

aan het einde van de zomer,

Slopen zij bij nachte naar buiten 

en staken het huis van de houthakker in de brand.

Het huis ging op in vlammen en de zonen vluchtten naar het bos.

De houthakker rolde door de deur naar buiten. 

Zijn rug en zijn haar stonden in vuur en vlam. 

Hij rolde van de heuvel omlaag 

tot hij alleen nog maar rookte en siste. 

Hij kon zijn ogen niet meer openen. 

De volgende morgen kwamen de buren hem helpen. 

De zonen gingen elk hun weg 

en beproefden hun geluk in de stad. 

Jaren gingen voorbij en de leegte 

in de zonen groeide. 

Op een dag liet de jongste zoon 

alles vallen en ging weer naar het bos.

Zo ook de tweede zoon, korte tijd later.

En zo ook de oudste zoon. 

Toen de oudste zoon eindelijk 

langs de waterput liep en de heuvel

omhoogklom, vond hij daar ook zijn broers. 

Hij sloeg de ogen neer en ging naar binnen. 

"Aha," zei de blinde houthakker. "Daar ben je."

De drie zonen die inmiddels binnen

verzameld waren, gingen rond de tafel zitten.

Vader zat bij het vuur en glimlachte. 

"Je broers hebben mijn dak hersteld 

en soep gemaakt. Neem een stuk brood."   

De zoon bleef stil en zijn hand beefde 

toen hij een stuk brood afbrak. 

De houthakker en zijn drie zonen aten.

De vader smakte, en de drie zonen snikten. 

"Lekkere soep," zei de houthakker. 

Day 395 - Beyond the Walls / Au Delà des Murs

Normally I am not attracted to 'horror' stories and films. I usually find it quite 'creepy' and not so enjoyable - but today I somehow felt compelled to watch the beginning of a series called "Au Delà des Murs" (Beyond the Walls), which was advertised as a horror-series. 

A Lady inherits an old house and starts to experience psychedelic episodes at night when she walks into non existing rooms and corridors throughout the house and encounters a half human, half animal creature. 

The moment when this creature enters the screen, is supposed to be a scary moment - but I did not find it scary. I saw the creature and it was simply another being standing in the room - no big deal. Then it started to move towards her. Well, maybe it wants to communiacte with her so no big deal. Then, she started to get scared, and she started to run. This is when I realised the people create their own nightmares through their 'judgments' because what was happenening was not 'evil' or 'abusive' in any shape or form. It was simply 'unusual'. But then interestingly the story spins off into some dramatic 'chase' where she needs to run and hide from 'creatures'. 

But why all the 'drama'? Did she not by her own doing choose to ASSUME some kind of fucked up narrative of what was going on instead of actually being vulnerable and investigate what is going on? I have no problems with 'weird creatures', 'weird people' and 'weird events'. When something is seemingly scary or absurd to you - does that automatically mean that you are in danger and that you must 'run'? 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Zelfvergeving voor Beginners: Rap Rijden is Plezant

Rap rijden is plezant

Amaai mijn vrienden zijn onder den indruk

Ik ben hier precies den held

Nog een bekke rapper rijden

Dan zien ze hoeveel ik durf

We gaan hier bijkans de lucht in

 

Ineens kwam die vos uit het bos

Ik kon niet meer stoppen  

en hij lag onder mijn wielen

Toen was het stil in den auto

Da was nie expres

Ik weet nie waarom ik da gedaan heb

Diene vos...

 

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegelaten en geaccepteerd slim willen lijken voor mijn vrienden en opzettelijk domme dingen doen om te bewijzen dat ik durf

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegelaten en geaccepteerd stoer willen zijn en daarom opzettelijk domme dingen doen zonder na te denken en te beseffen dat ik niet alleen ben op de wereld.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegelaten en geaccepteerd verwachten dat de wereld voor mij genade kent, terwijl ik geen genade ken voor de wereld.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegelaten en geaccepteerd indruk willen maken op mijn vrienden en daarom mijn leven en dat van andere in gevaar brengen.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten en geaccepteerd geen respect hebben voor anderen en voor het leven van een ander.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegelaten en geaccepteerd in een moment bezeten te worden en alleen maar populair willen zijn en niet meer echt beseffen wat ik doe. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 393 - The Unspoken Law of the Jungle

If you look at the 'family-construct' as a social system, one would expect that it solves the problem of 'responsibility' and 'everyone being taken care of'. Because: ideally, every child is born within a family (of at least one parent) - and that is not even taking into account the amount of orphan children in this world. 

Then, because every child is ideally born within a family of at least one parent - there is an unspoken 'law of the jungle'  that every child is taken care of in this world, as the child stands under the protection and care of (at least) one adult. The 'family-construct' as a social system is then really presented as the basic foundation of society, without which children would be lost. Looking at the world superficially then, one would expect that most children in the world are taken care of as they are lodged within one or more 'family-constructs'. And, as was said, the unspoken law of the jungle dictates that since the child is in the care of a family, it is consequently 'taken care of'.

The unspoken law of the jungle does however not take into account the money-system and how it functions on a global scale. The underlying assumtion of the law of the jungle is that every family in the world will have the means to take care of a child appropriately. The only way to do that in today's world, is by having access to money. Without money, one cannot actually survive. Yet, more than half of all the human beings in todays world officially live under the poverty line. They do not have sufficient access to money and consequently they cannot actually give the care to the children that the children require. Hence roughly half the children in this world are in effect not adequately taken care of. 

Some years ago it was reported in South Africa that a pregnant woman had thrown herself off the stairs with the deliberate intent to permanently damage her unborn child, so as to later qualify for specific government support. This is the law of the jungle in full action, because it did not consider the global economic system. 

If we assume (law of the jungle) that children are to be taken care of within a family, then why would we restrict access to money for families? Why would we not want families to have guaranteed access to money so that they can adequately raise, support and take care of their children? When we resolve this contradiction, we will resolve the problem of poverty and then we will finally be able to say that families are the foundation of society, which currently they are not. 

Day 392 - A World where Growing Old is Embraced and Supported

This topic opened op when I was contemplating how some individuals do manage to grow quite old in this world. This struck me, because I somehow do not expect myself to get that old. And I wondered why? 

I then looked at the center point: which is that everyone fears ageing. But why do we fear it so much? Is it simply because we fear death? Maybe, but there seems to be quite a lot more to it. When I looked at it the answer was rather simple: it is that with ageing comes more insecurity. We basically do not expect that the world will be of much support when and as we grow old. That is quite rough.

As I write this I can sense a pain that is difficult to describe. 

In Europe a lot of this insecurity is tied in with the discourse being held by the governments: they already warn of the precarity of the future pensions. Make sure that somehow you have money to survive because if you do not... you need to provide for your own pension, your own plan B. This reminds me of the situation in Greece in 2014 (when the economy collapsed), when it was reported that an elderly man, when reading the amount of his montly pension allowance, walked down the river and hung himself from a tree. 

Where does 'change' begin? Does it begin on the streets? Does it begin in Parliament? Does it begin on Television? Does it begin in school? Where... what... how... 

It begins within self:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see ageing as something that is 'undesireable' and 'ugly'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that we locked down the economy to apparently protect the elderly, but the truth is we do not care about the elderly as we will not even guarantee their right to exist and live a meaningfull life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simpy 'accept' that this is how we treat elderly, which means that this is how we are willing to treat ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that our society punishes the elderly - which is the reflection of a society hating itself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself and consequently accept that it is ok that I should fear for my own survival as an elderly - as if that somehow is what I actually deserved all along: to die like a rat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have no understanding of what it means to care for myself as life and to care for another as life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prove myself unable to have a long term vision for humanity and for myself and for the existence of humanity in this world.

A World where Growing Old is Embraced and Supported. What would that look like? In the beginning was the Word. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 391 - A Practical Approach to Making Decisions

In the early years of my process I often made the mistake of using my feelings to make a decision. I would try to listen to what my body says and I would interpret that experience with my mind. If right after I made a decision I would suddenly experience a negative feeling such as fear, I might get swayed and think that I made a wrong decision.

In recent years I have learned to make decisions more effectively. First of all I do not use feelings to guide me. First of all I ask myself what it is that I want and I also look at what is realistically possible. This might involve having to do research and doing some math. Sometimes the research will show that the thing I would like is not lucrative and I will then already have my answer. Other times the research will show that it is possible and then it is really up to me.

What I have learned is that sometimes a decision will be rather clear and easy to make – and sometimes it is not so clear and not so easy to make, despite all the research I did. I will off course also talk to people if I am really unclear as to what to do to get a form of external feedback. But in the end the decision will remain up to me. Here is a practical tool that I have found to be useful when making decisions: usually a decision is only really made by taking a certain action. For instance, you make your decision known to someone, or you click on a button to confirm a deal, or you post a message on a platform. 

I found that in this moment, I am able to completely slow myself down. I take a deep breath and I remain silent inside. Then, I place my awareness in my whole body and I ask myself if I am cool with this or not. If I am cool with this, then I act. If I am not cool with this, then that means that there is perhaps something that I have not yet considered. This 'being cool' with the decision then immediately translates into a physical movement: it almost happens sumultaneously: I know that I am cool with it and consequently I am doing it. I act my decision. Sometimes there will still be 'fear' in this phase, but it is like I will sit with myself and 'hold myself' and see if I am able to 'push' myself softly to walk into that descision and then there will arrive a point where suddenly I am 'ready' - an inner movement and then I act. 

This then also gives me a solid foundation to later on not ‘question‘ a decision I made. Because I know that I have made that decision in ful awareness and deliberateness. Therefore it was a specific decision and I know I can stand by it. In other words, I can trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in moments still allow 'external' feedback to guide me in my decisions – such as 'coincidences' and 'synchronicities'.

I realise and understand that coincidences and syncronicities might occur due to the nature of the system that we exist in but I cannot limit myself nor define myself according to a coincidence or synchronicity – which means I am still seeking 'the guiding hand of God', instead of me accepting and embracing my own expression and responsibility as life and what i am willing to stand by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for outward signals in moments when I am still in doubt, where I abdicate my authority to an external system to which I then become enslaved.

I realise and understand that I cannot fear my own descisions. I realise and understand that I cannot fear the consequences of my descisions. I realise and understand that I am the beginning and the end-point of my own descisions.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 390 - On the nature of Assumptions

Today I write about this point that is very relevant to my process : assumptions and how I make assumptions within communication. When I wrote about this and I looked at the point at first glance it seemed like the assumption is made in an 'automatic' way and I then respond to the assumption - but that is not true. In reality I am already aware that I do not have all the facts but DESPITE that awareness I still decide to impose an assumption on the situation. In my case I will often assume a 'worst case' meaning onto what was said. Simply because I do not understand why someone said something - I will assume they had an underlying selfish reason. I insert my (secret) interpretation into the conversation and instead of working with what was said I start responding to my interpretation which is in a way a form of desperation. I am desperate, because I am too shit scared to simply ask for clarifications on what was said so as to help me understand and in fact stand equal to the person I am communicating with. Now, I fear inequality, because I am assuming that the other person cannot be trusted, and so to turn the tables in my favor I will now respond to that perceived injustice : there is no better way to make an ass out of yourself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am not clear why someone is saying something, immediatley assume that they are secretly trying to deceive me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made a habit out of following my assumptions which is a form of cowardice - rather than to check back with the person and clarify what it is they said. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise the extent of the turmoil I am willing to create by allowing myself to act and speak on an assumption - instead of simply admitting that I do not know: I do not know what was said. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to communicate 'perfectly' so as to always be immediately clear to me - when in reality my own communication is not at that level at all and I m not even standing as an exemple of what I expect. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that by choosing for assumptions I am actually choosing for the probability of conflict and seperation.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself being unsure as to what was said, to simply be real about it and ask for clarifications. 

I commit myself to be sensitive to the energy that I experience when I want to make an assumption and I take a breath. I breathe and I check myself and I check with the person: ok what do you mean by that? 

I commit myself to practice my communication and be vulnerable with myself and the other in being open about what it is I understood and if this is correct? 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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The Valhalla Murders (2019) Review

This is one of the best crime series I have seen in years and I simply recommend it. Interesting with this particular series is that there is no underlying 'lovestory' mixed in the plot. The story follows two police officers. They investigate murders that are taking place as a result of systematic abuse that happened 30 years ago to a group of children. 

Through the sequence of murders the investigators get to reconstrue what had happened in the past and they realise that there were many loose ends that were never investigated. So this series heavily uses the topics of child abuse, broken families, pedophile rings, and government corruption. Even the lives of the policeofficers themselves are tainted by trauma and severe abuse in the past. Consequently, the story is about 'human nature' and what it means to grow up in this world as a child. 

The plot is vey believable I would say, up until the point where a seperate investigation request into a high ranking official is being filed but then very quickly shut down. A copy of a set of compromising documents is however also sent to a journalist and it is the journalist who confronts the official in a live TV interview. This I found to be a gullible twist of the plot because it banks on 'hope' and the belief that the press is actually here to 'expose' deception. 

From my perspective the mainstream press is fully complicit to the deception in this world because as with any organisation and institution they rely on money for their survival and existence. I do not believe that free journalism actually exists within todays corporate media landscape. Journalists simply do their 'job' and they have families to feed and morgages to pay. It is as simple as that. Very few people are actually willing to rock the boat. This is why in todays world we have reached a stage of perfect censorship. 

This is why real 'standing up' and 'self-education' - for now - must come from alternative media and news sources such as small independent newspapers, blogs and podcasts. This is also why it was so easy to brush all the questions regarding 9/11 under the carpet so quickly, as the mainstream media stand as 'one voice' that only follow 'one story'.

First Man (2018) Movie Review

I finished watching the film 'First Man' (2018) and would like to share some observations regarding this film. Initially I was not very interested to see it, because I was no longer interested in the topic of 'space travel' and 'astronauts', believing I had already seen enough movies on the subject. But, I found the approach towards the topic very original and in moments actualy breath-taking. 

In this film you follow Neil Armstrong in his career and the process he walked to become an astronaut at NASA. After he has been selected to take part in the moonlanding project, something interesting unfolds and becomes clear in the film: this project is actually a life-endangering mission. Even the tests and preparations they have to participate in on earth, are already life-threatening, because that is the level of risk the astronauts will be exposed to once they are in space. On one occasion, 3 atronauts simply die while waiting in the cockpit of a ship, as they sit and wait for a racket to be launched. But instead of the rocket launching, the cockpit exploded due to a malfunctioning. 

Because of this and other events, you realise that the astronauts were actually used as 'canon fodder' by the government, because it was known that each one of them could die, but the project was pushed anyways, due to the political urgency to establish superiority by landing on the moon.  When placing all these elements together, in a way I lost respect for this whole endeavour. I do not see the value in working on a project that actually disregards it's participants. A project with an outcome of value should bring value to all of its contributors and not deliberately sacrifice some of them so that a few may benefit. That sounds more like a cult. For this reason, projects that involve deliberate harm being done and beings being put at risk for no justifiable reason, should simply not exist. 

There is enough value that can be created in this world through projects that actually support human beings, animals and nature, and with much greater effect  - without requiring us to blow ourselves up. Being a 'hero' does not always mean that you MUST PUT YOUR LIFE AT RISK. There are ways to be of support to yourself and your environment that are respectful towards yourself and towards others. Look for instance at what my friend Gian Robberts is doing with his 'Earth Haven' community: slowly but surely, building a nest of support in Panama for people who are willing to come and 'learn' what it means to live together and 'reconnect' with the tissue of life. 

Day 387 - Dark Thoughts of a Dark Knight

What I enjoy these days is that we go out for a bikeride every evening after work. This is not something I would normally push myself to do especially with the days being so short and the dark setting in very early and the temperatures being close to zero. But every evening I am being asked (and pushed) to join for the evening bikeride and it does have a beneficial effect on how I experience myself in what is still a semi-lockdown. We put on warm clothes and just venture out on our bikes. There have been evenings where I have been more reluctant because I could feel how cold it was outside, and there was a natural tendency to just want to stay inside and 'be warm' but the reality is that I had been inside already all day, working in front of a computer and that bikeride just creates a real break from that living between four walls, as if one is only existing in a cave. 

I can see how it would be so easy to just sink into some kind of 'depression' given the context of lock-down and just become 'demoralised' with the days being so monotonous. This is why I realise that I need to push myself to go out every evening if I can for that bikeride as it is the one thing we do together in that day that we really enjoy. So it is funny that despite all this evidence, I would still be able to come up with 'doubt' and 'second guessing' as to whether I really want to go for a bikeride on a given day - why not just embrace the LEAP wand WALK the point unconditionally, giving of myself to myself and the other. That would make it even more enjoyable and strengthening of myself and my ability to move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like to get attention within being 'reluctant' and 'needing proof' that a bikeride would be good for us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I cannot make a simple decision without going through doubt and getting attention first. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play a game within pretending that I am reluctant to go outside when in reality I am not reluctant at all and I can clearly see that this would be best for both of us. 

I commit myself to when and as I see myself playing a game with myself and another, I stop and breathe - and look at what it is that I in self-honesty want in this moment without beating around the bush.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 386 - Humanity's Comfort Zone

A point that I am working with is the repeated pattern of resisting and trying to avoid to explore certain area's of reality when they come into my world in a way that I did not plan for. 

For instance this evening my partner brought up the issue regarding the squeecking doorhandles and that we could use this time to fix that: I immediately started to lament that this is not what I had planned for my evening and I even did not believe that we would be able to accomplish resuslts in working on this problem. Hence in my approach towards myself and the situation I was not even giving us a chance. 

But lo and behold, in doing some brief research online my partner figured out how to take off the door handles and even how to take out the entire mechanism of the inner lock. We looked at it, discussed it, lubricated the parts, cleaned everything, put the parts back on the door and there was no more squeeking sound... I was indeed proud in the end that we had spend our evening in solving this problem rather then letting the opportunity go by. 

But underneath the pride was also shame that I had not simply seen the opportunity for what it was and that I had fought for my limitation. Why must I default into arguing for my limitations? What is the point of simply existing in this pattern and not changing? It is funny because in the moment of 'not wanting to' and 'giving reasons why' I already know deep down that I am just postponing to change myself - it is as if I am stating to myself and the world: not right now, I am not ready yet right now -- I will change 'later'. 

The point I need to change in myself is the moment where the 'dread' comes up towards doing something unplanned and out of my comfort zone - I need to unconditionally let go and breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and fool myself into believing that I am not ready for a point or a change, because in me being able to see the potential of change per definition means that I am already ready and that I am just wasting my own time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and hide inside a comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my comfort zones.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to be pushed outside of my comfort zones.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my comfort zones protect me and make me feel good - when in reality they leave me with shame and regret towards missed opportunities where I could grow and expand and reach my full potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust a mushy feeling inside myself intstead of breathing and using common sense to decide on an opportunity and a course of action.

I realise and understand that the feeling that says 'no, I don't want to' is actually fear and limitation and unecessary for me to go into. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my decisions based on how I feel instead of what I can actually see and sense would be a good opportunity for me to 'change' and step outside of a self-confined comfort-zone.

I commit myself to walk in clarity of this point and actually slow down and breathe when looking at a decision that 'throws me off' or 'puts me out of my comfort zone' -- I breathe and remain practical, I look at what is actually possible and what it is I can do.  

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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