Day 386 - Humanity's Comfort Zone

A point that I am working with is the repeated pattern of resisting and trying to avoid to explore certain area's of reality when they come into my world in a way that I did not plan for. 

For instance this evening my partner brought up the issue regarding the squeecking doorhandles and that we could use this time to fix that: I immediately started to lament that this is not what I had planned for my evening and I even did not believe that we would be able to accomplish resuslts in working on this problem. Hence in my approach towards myself and the situation I was not even giving us a chance. 

But lo and behold, in doing some brief research online my partner figured out how to take off the door handles and even how to take out the entire mechanism of the inner lock. We looked at it, discussed it, lubricated the parts, cleaned everything, put the parts back on the door and there was no more squeeking sound... I was indeed proud in the end that we had spend our evening in solving this problem rather then letting the opportunity go by. 

But underneath the pride was also shame that I had not simply seen the opportunity for what it was and that I had fought for my limitation. Why must I default into arguing for my limitations? What is the point of simply existing in this pattern and not changing? It is funny because in the moment of 'not wanting to' and 'giving reasons why' I already know deep down that I am just postponing to change myself - it is as if I am stating to myself and the world: not right now, I am not ready yet right now -- I will change 'later'. 

The point I need to change in myself is the moment where the 'dread' comes up towards doing something unplanned and out of my comfort zone - I need to unconditionally let go and breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and fool myself into believing that I am not ready for a point or a change, because in me being able to see the potential of change per definition means that I am already ready and that I am just wasting my own time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and hide inside a comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my comfort zones.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to be pushed outside of my comfort zones.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my comfort zones protect me and make me feel good - when in reality they leave me with shame and regret towards missed opportunities where I could grow and expand and reach my full potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust a mushy feeling inside myself intstead of breathing and using common sense to decide on an opportunity and a course of action.

I realise and understand that the feeling that says 'no, I don't want to' is actually fear and limitation and unecessary for me to go into. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my decisions based on how I feel instead of what I can actually see and sense would be a good opportunity for me to 'change' and step outside of a self-confined comfort-zone.

I commit myself to walk in clarity of this point and actually slow down and breathe when looking at a decision that 'throws me off' or 'puts me out of my comfort zone' -- I breathe and remain practical, I look at what is actually possible and what it is I can do.  

----------------------------------------------------------

For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

---------------------------------------------------------- 

Day 377 - My Trip to Panama 2020 (Part 1)

After reading a blog that talked about the regrets one would have if one died right now, I realised that the one thing I would regret the most, was that I had not yet visited my family in Panama.

When I realised this, I made an instructional note in my daily diary and the following day I started making all the practical arrangements (such as confirming with my family when I could come and booking the flights) to visit my family early this year.

It is interesting that the contemplation of death puts us in a position of looking at our lives from an absolute startingpoint and being able to see clearly what it is we are suppressing or not allowing ourselves to live.

I have now been in Panama for almost 2 weeks and I have enjoyed myself a lot. I was able to reconnect with my family and friends. With and through this visit I have moved around a lot of points within myself. Some of them through actively discussing a topic and others through observing the solutions and the example that others are living and standing as.

Even though I could not stay as long as I would have wanted to, I am very thankful for having made this voyage. For me it made a lot of points 'come together' and I will in the future continue to visit.

Today is one of the last days of my stay and in the morning I had felt a weird pressure within myself, a 'restlesness'. Initially I did not know how to direct myself, so I decided to go work in the garden for a moment to get out of my head. Afterwards I discussed my experience with my sister and what I realised is that I actually regret having to go home again. So, on my next trip I will arrange myself to be able to stay a bit longer if I can. The nature is quite outstanding and there is no comparison to the city-life environment back at home.

What I also faced during this trip is having the 'courage' to not study for one day or two. Normally I would not feel good about that at all. Meaning: unless there were circumstances that 'prevent' me from studying I will expect myself to study every day. But I must also have the ability to say 'stop' to myself for a few days and simply shift my focus and 'experience' different things. This is where I create stress for myself back at home as well.

Another suggestion that was given to me here is to enroll for a Tai Chi class. I have often heard of Tai Chi but ever since I was a child (and was practising Karaté) I felt apprehensive towards Tai Chi, because I would judge it as being 'too soft' and 'unpractical' (even though I have never done it). Yet in discussing this with my sisters I have gained a new perspective on this 'sport' and hence I will take classess when I am back at home.

I have also started to read an interesting book called 'The Book of Mirdad' by Mikhail Naimy, which Leila kept talking about and I can see how this book gives very practical life lessons and as such is a very good guide to process. I am looking forward to read the rest of the book.

(written on 19 february 2020)

To be continued...

Day 365 - at the Edge of Storytelling

I like stories (films, novels, comic books, etc) and my partner likes it when afterwards I tell her the story in my own words. This self-forgiveness is about one of those instances where I was telling her a story and during the conversation I started to feel annoyed and irritated:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get impatient when my partner does not understand where i am at with the story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suddenly feel ‚abused‘ because my partner is asking me to explain more about the story so that she can follow better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when my partner at any given moment can no longer follow me – and take that as a sign that I am not qualified to tell the story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and prevent my partner from interrupting me when I am telling my story, by raising my voice, instead of realising and understanding that it is ok to pause and let the person ask her questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as weakness if I allow the person to interrupt me in my story.

I forgive myself to want to be ‚God‘ in my telling of the story and within that want to be ‚perfect‘ instead of realising it is not about me being perfect – but about creating an exchange of value between me and my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if my partner asks questions that means that I am not good enough and I have failed at telling my story.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compete with my partner whilst telling the story – instead of developing enjoyment in me telling the story unconditionally and allow the story to be a dialogue as well if my partner has questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I know best how the story needs to be told and in what order, and therefore if my partner is asking me to go back to a part of the story that she has questions about I will be unwilling to go back and insist that i must continue the story in the way that i am telling it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that ‚perfection‘ is being able to tell the story perfectly – presenting all the elements perfectly – instead of realising perfection is about me being clear within myself in every breath as I tell the story and being able to ‚let go‘ of any expectations that I have myself as to how the telling of the story must go.

I commit myself to tell the story unconditionally – wherin I walk the story breath by breath – and I allow myelf to enjoy the sharing of the story, instead of feeling pressured and fearing that something will not be understood. I realise that at any time I can clarify things and add more information so that my partner can also learn from the story. 

-----------------------------------------------------------

For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

-----------------------------------------------------------

Day 357 - From irritation to Equality

We had planned on making a little trip outside of town and go for a walk. We had made preparations in terms of the trajectory along which we would be walking and also where we would be parking the car.

When we arrived we wanted to determine the starting point of the walking trajectory. We were still sitting in the car and looking at a little map on one of our phones. At the same time I was working from memory regarding the plan I had seen on the computer earlier and I had also seen how this correlated with the street map on our GPS system in the car. Based on this I was sure about where exactly the starting point of the walking trajectory was in relation to the car. I told my partner and wanted us to move on and get out of the car.

To my partner however, my assessment was not entirely clear and she was not convinced that my direction was correct. In this moment I started to experience irritation because I was within myself justifying that I was ‘certain’ and therefore my partner was irresponsible in wanting us to spend more time on determining the beginning of the trajectory, so my backchat went.

At the same time I realized there had been countless situations where I had perceived myself to be correct about a point which then later on turned out to be ‘incorrect’. Therefore I calmed myself down with breathing and started to explain patiently to my partner, using all the tools we had available, the phone and the GPS – also getting out of the car myself to verify the streetnames outside - until she actually arrived at the same conclusion that I had come to.  Then, we were both on equal footing and together we left the car and started our walking trajectory.

This to me was a little victory, because it showed me how easily I would have let something so small turn into a point of friction and conflict – instead of applying humbleness and within that creating equality. And how much more enjoyable it was to simply be patient and share and communicate than to become emotional. 

-----------------------------------------------------------

For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

-----------------------------------------------------------

Day 348 - No Direct Benefit

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience stress over having to help my partner with a problem that I experience as being futile and a waste of my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience so much resistance with assisting and helping my partner with directing points that require my assistance – so much so that I will tell myself that she can solve them by herself and is just wasting my time – even though in common sense I can see this is not the case and my help is really required.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw a tantrum when my help is required in something that I did not expect, that I will experience as unexpected and as ‘not my responsibility’ and I will ‘wish that I did not have to do this’ and experience it as a ‘sin’ that I need to now do this instead of doing that which I had planned for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freak out with having to help my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push my partner away within ‘not feeling like’ assisting her and supporting her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined these moments where I help and support my partner as a ‘loss’ when I perceive that there is ‘nothing in it for me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get obsessed with ‘my viewpoint’ of ‘losing out’ – instead of actually seeing the situation of the other and realizing that she needs my help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be greedy with my time because of only wanting to spend it in a way where there is ‘direct or indirect reward’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be self-obsessed within not seeing the needs and requirements of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make ‘others’ part of my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move within self-interest of wanting to win something from the things I do as a payment or reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend I need to ‘protect myself’ from the ‘irrational demands and requirements’ of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being trapped within helping someone else – where they are satisfied about their stuff moving forward but me being dissatisfied with my stuff not having moved forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to assist and support another out of jealousy that they will move forward with their stuff more than I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will DIMINISH if I help someone else without me experiencing any direct benefit from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I should always try and stay ahead of others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand equal to the other who is asking for my help – so as to stand in a relationship of supporting them and within that supporting myself, no matter who the other person is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to discriminate between who I will help and ‘when I feel like it’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to help when it is convenient for me too.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the world does not work according to what is convenient for me – as I share this world with billions of other beings who live their lives – hence the world is inherently unpredictable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear unpredictability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that within unpredictability I will not know what to do or who to be.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to remain comfortable with me no matter what new situation I find myself within.

When and as I see myself getting anxious over being asked to help – I stop and breathe and ‘let go’ of whatever I had planned for myself and which I judge as ‘more important’ than what the other person is asking my help for – and accept within myself that this is equally important and of equal value, as within supporting the other I also support myself.

Test the DIP Litecourse for Free and discover the power of writing

Visit desteni.org for more information on writing and self-forgiveness.

Day 339 - Too Exhausted to do Anything

“I’m too exhausted I can’t do anything” is a thought pattern I face at times after a day of work. It gives me the excuse to divert myself in the evenings and not do anything constructive with myself in the time that I have to myself.

Yes, the work does take a certain ‘toll’ on me – because to work efficiently one need to invest oneself wholeheartedly, give oneself completely – but that does not mean that I am ‘dead’ in the evening. I am still here. I can direct myself and decide to undertake an activity with which to support myself and ‘create’ myself – I can still plant little seeds and water them.

Today I listened to an EQAFE interview that talked about how mind resistance functions. I could see then that this is what I have been allowing: to not put in at least that equal amount of ‘pushing’ that the mind is putting out in reverse in the form of resistance. If the amount of resistance that the mind is putting out is greater than the amount of pushing that I am willing to put out in order to move myself into self-realization and self-change – then the mind will evolve and grow at the detriment of ‘me’ as the life I could be.

That is not a desirable prospect. It speaks for itself that one would like to become ‘more’ and ‘grow’ as a self-expressive person and not become ‘less’. ‘less’ than what and who one really could be as a being, as a person.

What if there is a way to bring out the best in ourselves?

Check it out at : www.desteni.org