Day 391 - A Practical Approach to Making Decisions

In the early years of my process I often made the mistake of using my feelings to make a decision. I would try to listen to what my body says and I would interpret that experience with my mind. If right after I made a decision I would suddenly experience a negative feeling such as fear, I might get swayed and think that I made a wrong decision.

In recent years I have learned to make decisions more effectively. First of all I do not use feelings to guide me. First of all I ask myself what it is that I want and I also look at what is realistically possible. This might involve having to do research and doing some math. Sometimes the research will show that the thing I would like is not lucrative and I will then already have my answer. Other times the research will show that it is possible and then it is really up to me.

What I have learned is that sometimes a decision will be rather clear and easy to make – and sometimes it is not so clear and not so easy to make, despite all the research I did. I will off course also talk to people if I am really unclear as to what to do to get a form of external feedback. But in the end the decision will remain up to me. Here is a practical tool that I have found to be useful when making decisions: usually a decision is only really made by taking a certain action. For instance, you make your decision known to someone, or you click on a button to confirm a deal, or you post a message on a platform. 

I found that in this moment, I am able to completely slow myself down. I take a deep breath and I remain silent inside. Then, I place my awareness in my whole body and I ask myself if I am cool with this or not. If I am cool with this, then I act. If I am not cool with this, then that means that there is perhaps something that I have not yet considered. This 'being cool' with the decision then immediately translates into a physical movement: it almost happens sumultaneously: I know that I am cool with it and consequently I am doing it. I act my decision. Sometimes there will still be 'fear' in this phase, but it is like I will sit with myself and 'hold myself' and see if I am able to 'push' myself softly to walk into that descision and then there will arrive a point where suddenly I am 'ready' - an inner movement and then I act. 

This then also gives me a solid foundation to later on not ‘question‘ a decision I made. Because I know that I have made that decision in ful awareness and deliberateness. Therefore it was a specific decision and I know I can stand by it. In other words, I can trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in moments still allow 'external' feedback to guide me in my decisions – such as 'coincidences' and 'synchronicities'.

I realise and understand that coincidences and syncronicities might occur due to the nature of the system that we exist in but I cannot limit myself nor define myself according to a coincidence or synchronicity – which means I am still seeking 'the guiding hand of God', instead of me accepting and embracing my own expression and responsibility as life and what i am willing to stand by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for outward signals in moments when I am still in doubt, where I abdicate my authority to an external system to which I then become enslaved.

I realise and understand that I cannot fear my own descisions. I realise and understand that I cannot fear the consequences of my descisions. I realise and understand that I am the beginning and the end-point of my own descisions.

 ----------------------------------------------------------

For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

---------------------------------------------------------- 

Day 384 - Living inside the Tip of the Iceberg

Here I would like to share some of the experiences I went through in the first few years of my process, after I had made my first visit to the farm. As I am suggesting in the title of this blog, I was living inside the Tip of an Iceberg. Before I went to the farm, I had a vision of myself as a person, and an idea about how I was walking my process. 

Little did I know of what was going to be unleashed in my life, by and through none other than... myself. The things that I faced and experienced were all a direct result of actions taken by me. That made it easier to reflect on my 'self-responsibility' and it did indeed prove that I am responsible for myself and my life. 

I remember the general anxiety and fear that existed in the back of me as a deep but very present sound, boiling deep within me. I had faced a few things before I made my first trip to the farm, I walked through some inner storms and turmoil. But still, that was nothing compared to what was to come. At the farm, Bernard made it clear on a few occasions that there was a 'madness' existing within me and that this is what I feared the most... 

I realised that there is not going to be any special treatments and I am going to face what I need to face. There is going to be no escape. And so I walked into my many rabbitholes, losing the plot, losing touch, no longer knowing what was up or down. How could this be? What did I do wrong? Why did I deserve this? The simple fact is that it was part of my design and I was simply facing my design. 

Bernard, and many others, supported me in understanding my responsibility - and that is all they could do. It was my responsibility to stand up and walk my process from the bottom. When things were still not working out and I had dugg a hole for myself, Bernard invited me back to the farm and gave me a second chance at creating a life for myself. This time I picked myself up and created a turn in my life. It took time, but the foundations were laid in my conversations with Bernard in South Africa. 

Had it not been for the support I received from the farm, Bernard, and everyone involved, including my parents, I would not have been able to face and walk through those darkest parts of myself in the way that I did. When I had walked out of it all, I had a 'purpose' and a 'life ambition'. Imagine, the key to changing the universe actually started with me giving myself the opportunity to live a real life. 

----------------------------------------------------------

For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

----------------------------------------------------------

Day 383 - Writing as a habit that Supports Me

An interesting thing occured when I made the decision to 'write everyday' in my daily diarybook. In the past I would have felt like such a commitment is not realistic and hence it would be like setting myself up for failure. 

I would say that the commitment to write daily in my daily diary did not come as a thought in my head but more as a realisation of what I am ready to give to myself. Hence the decision was made in an instant. 

The clarity of the decision was given within what I saw would help and asist others. On the open forum I had often suggested that 'this is something that will support you'. And in many ways, also through listening to EQAFE interviews it had become clear and apparent that 'writing daily' was really a key in developing a relationship of self-introspection with self. 

So what was 'new' so to speak when I made my decision to write daily in my dialy diary was the realisation that I do not need to write 'a lot' every day - in fact initially I was more looking at placing key words and bullet points per evening, as something that would support me with 'slowing down' at least one moment per day, and actually look at myself and who I am, looking at 'who I was today'. 

This is then how I saw that my commitment was realistic and that is how I started. I have since walked my daily diary writing every day and I am currently at 'Day 395'. There was a moment where I was faced with hesitation because after a few weeks the thought came up that I would not be able to work on a DIP assignment AND have enough time to write in my Daily diary in one day. So, I then made an agreement with myself that it is not about the 'writing in the daily diary' per say, but about the daily introspection through writing. Hence, if I have worked on a DIP assignment on a given day, then I can simply make a note in my daily diary for that day that I worked on my DIP an that is then my writing for the day. 

This allowed me to continue my daily commitment, even though later on even if I had worked on a DIP assignment, I would eventually still write in the diary in the evening, simply because I have made a habit out of it and because it supports me to do so before going to bed every day. This has assisted me with developing a deeper intimacy with myself and making sure that I look at those parts of myself that I am not satisfied with and looking at how I can change myself in them in a practical way.  

----------------------------------------------------------

For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

----------------------------------------------------------

Day 372 - When an inner Clue opens up

Today, after having come home from work and having eaten, I say at my desk and looked at what it is I was going to do next. Initially I was more considering to 'watch a movie' because within myself I felt that I had spent a lot of time working in the last few days and that I needed something else. I also felt quite tired so I did not see myself studying this evening. Then what happened is that in a flash moment an experience opened up in me - where I was looking at finally opening the box with the miniature car I had bought and making a start with assembling it.

This box had been lying on my shelf for a few months now, because I had indeed been very busy on many fronts and I always thought that now is not the right time and in general I perceived that it would take too much time.

However, within me having this flash-moment experience of seeing myself working on the model car, was also the implied understanding that this evening I actually had a moment of spare time to actually start with assembling the car.

Interestingly I initially resisted this clue I was giving myself. I told myself that it would be much easier and straight-forward if I just put on a movie and watch a movie for the rest of the evening. This was interesting. I looked at the experience within myself in regards to the consideration I had given to assembling the model car. When I looked as this experience, I saw that it did not manifest as a 'desire' or an 'urge' or a 'need' - but as a simple 'liking'. Within myself I was also judging this experience as something that would be 'more work' - instead of 'enjoyment' and 'relaxation'. However, I decided to discard the pretense that a film would be more fun than to start assembling the model car. I decided to go with my inner clue - even though it seemed like it would be 'work'.

As soon as I had set myself up with the materials which I needed to get started with the model car I realised that this was the better decision and that I was really enjoying myself - there is something in the small detailed parts that triggers my interest and curiosity and where I am in contact with a different part of myself. I realised that I do not connect with myself on this level when I simply watch a movie. And yes, it did require some attention and focus in order to get the first parts glued - but there was no pressure in terms of how much I should be doing today, so I stopped after having completed some of the main parts of the engin, after 25 minutes or so and I was starting to feel tired.

What I learned from this is that what 'supports me most' in a moment is not necessarily going to be the thing that is the easiest in a given cicumstance, but that within myself I am able to challenge myself slightly to move out of a perceived comfort zone and get creative. This is how I am exploring parts of myself that I would have in the past dismissed. 

-----------------------------------------------------------

For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

-----------------------------------------------------------

Day 366 - Notes on 'Expectations'

I investigated myself within 'expectations' - these are notes from my notebook. 

"Irritation – acceptance and allowance: expectations – not being realistic.

Being stubborn in the face of reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in expectation, as the expectation of an outcome or an experience – instead of getting to know my reality and being flexible in regards to what I expect.

I see, realise and understand that expecation weakens me – and compromises me, as I fight for my expectations – instead of letting go in 1 moment.

Responding to what is actually here – instead of chasing a delusion as mindfuck."

-----------------------------------------------------------

For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

-----------------------------------------------------------

Day 365 - at the Edge of Storytelling

I like stories (films, novels, comic books, etc) and my partner likes it when afterwards I tell her the story in my own words. This self-forgiveness is about one of those instances where I was telling her a story and during the conversation I started to feel annoyed and irritated:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get impatient when my partner does not understand where i am at with the story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suddenly feel ‚abused‘ because my partner is asking me to explain more about the story so that she can follow better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when my partner at any given moment can no longer follow me – and take that as a sign that I am not qualified to tell the story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and prevent my partner from interrupting me when I am telling my story, by raising my voice, instead of realising and understanding that it is ok to pause and let the person ask her questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as weakness if I allow the person to interrupt me in my story.

I forgive myself to want to be ‚God‘ in my telling of the story and within that want to be ‚perfect‘ instead of realising it is not about me being perfect – but about creating an exchange of value between me and my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if my partner asks questions that means that I am not good enough and I have failed at telling my story.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compete with my partner whilst telling the story – instead of developing enjoyment in me telling the story unconditionally and allow the story to be a dialogue as well if my partner has questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I know best how the story needs to be told and in what order, and therefore if my partner is asking me to go back to a part of the story that she has questions about I will be unwilling to go back and insist that i must continue the story in the way that i am telling it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that ‚perfection‘ is being able to tell the story perfectly – presenting all the elements perfectly – instead of realising perfection is about me being clear within myself in every breath as I tell the story and being able to ‚let go‘ of any expectations that I have myself as to how the telling of the story must go.

I commit myself to tell the story unconditionally – wherin I walk the story breath by breath – and I allow myelf to enjoy the sharing of the story, instead of feeling pressured and fearing that something will not be understood. I realise that at any time I can clarify things and add more information so that my partner can also learn from the story. 

-----------------------------------------------------------

For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

-----------------------------------------------------------

Day 357 - From irritation to Equality

We had planned on making a little trip outside of town and go for a walk. We had made preparations in terms of the trajectory along which we would be walking and also where we would be parking the car.

When we arrived we wanted to determine the starting point of the walking trajectory. We were still sitting in the car and looking at a little map on one of our phones. At the same time I was working from memory regarding the plan I had seen on the computer earlier and I had also seen how this correlated with the street map on our GPS system in the car. Based on this I was sure about where exactly the starting point of the walking trajectory was in relation to the car. I told my partner and wanted us to move on and get out of the car.

To my partner however, my assessment was not entirely clear and she was not convinced that my direction was correct. In this moment I started to experience irritation because I was within myself justifying that I was ‘certain’ and therefore my partner was irresponsible in wanting us to spend more time on determining the beginning of the trajectory, so my backchat went.

At the same time I realized there had been countless situations where I had perceived myself to be correct about a point which then later on turned out to be ‘incorrect’. Therefore I calmed myself down with breathing and started to explain patiently to my partner, using all the tools we had available, the phone and the GPS – also getting out of the car myself to verify the streetnames outside - until she actually arrived at the same conclusion that I had come to.  Then, we were both on equal footing and together we left the car and started our walking trajectory.

This to me was a little victory, because it showed me how easily I would have let something so small turn into a point of friction and conflict – instead of applying humbleness and within that creating equality. And how much more enjoyable it was to simply be patient and share and communicate than to become emotional. 

-----------------------------------------------------------

For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

-----------------------------------------------------------

Day 352 - Standing up from self-inferiority

Today I would like to speak about a moment where I faced great difficulty, yet where I was able to stand up within the challenge. I did this by using the tools I had learned at Desteni, by asserting myself with breathing and grounding myself physically.

Early on in my professional career I was faced with corporate hierarchies and I had to report to the managers above me. My job was salesman and I had to deliver numbers. At a certain point in time, I got a new manager and I had to learn to deal with him as a person. Due to the organisation in the company I had previously very much been left alone to deliver my results in the way that I saw fit. When the new manager was appointed, I started to experience increased levels of anxiety, as he was pressuring me to improve my output.

In general I would listen to him and value his feedback, but I also noticed that he would place expectations on me that I was seeing I would not realistically be able to fulfill. This was causing stress in me and actually creating an experience where I started to dislike my job.

Then, one day, we had a ‘quick meeting‘, standing face to face in a meetingroom. We were talking about the numbers and he brought up this point of me having to sell 20 contracts in the coming month. I knew that in the past I was able to sell 15 contracts at best, and on average I would sell 10 contracts. In that moment I was very clear that 20 contracts would not be realistic to commit to. So when he brought up the point of the 20 contracts, looking me intensely in the eyes, I focussed on remaining calm and I said in a very calm and allmost nonchalant way: Ok, I’ll do my best.

I could see that he was not happy with my answer and he leaned forward and said: „What ?!!“

At this point I became very anxious. At the same time I realised that I could not show my anxiety and that I had to take responsibility for this situation. I could feel how within my body I was trembling with fear as I was moving myself to speak. While I spoke I made sure that on the outside I remained calm and collected. Here I applied breathing and using my body to ground myself. I said to him that there were circumstances to take into consideration why the 20 contracts may not happen (in a nutshell). A few seconds later in the conversation the tension completely relaxed itself and we were having a comfortable conversation.  

This is how I was able to prove to myself that through changing the relationship with myself, I could change my relationships with others.

For more information on self-forgiveness, breathing and self-change, visit desteni and EQAFE

Day 348 - No Direct Benefit

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience stress over having to help my partner with a problem that I experience as being futile and a waste of my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience so much resistance with assisting and helping my partner with directing points that require my assistance – so much so that I will tell myself that she can solve them by herself and is just wasting my time – even though in common sense I can see this is not the case and my help is really required.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw a tantrum when my help is required in something that I did not expect, that I will experience as unexpected and as ‘not my responsibility’ and I will ‘wish that I did not have to do this’ and experience it as a ‘sin’ that I need to now do this instead of doing that which I had planned for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freak out with having to help my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push my partner away within ‘not feeling like’ assisting her and supporting her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined these moments where I help and support my partner as a ‘loss’ when I perceive that there is ‘nothing in it for me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get obsessed with ‘my viewpoint’ of ‘losing out’ – instead of actually seeing the situation of the other and realizing that she needs my help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be greedy with my time because of only wanting to spend it in a way where there is ‘direct or indirect reward’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be self-obsessed within not seeing the needs and requirements of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make ‘others’ part of my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move within self-interest of wanting to win something from the things I do as a payment or reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend I need to ‘protect myself’ from the ‘irrational demands and requirements’ of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being trapped within helping someone else – where they are satisfied about their stuff moving forward but me being dissatisfied with my stuff not having moved forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to assist and support another out of jealousy that they will move forward with their stuff more than I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will DIMINISH if I help someone else without me experiencing any direct benefit from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I should always try and stay ahead of others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand equal to the other who is asking for my help – so as to stand in a relationship of supporting them and within that supporting myself, no matter who the other person is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to discriminate between who I will help and ‘when I feel like it’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to help when it is convenient for me too.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the world does not work according to what is convenient for me – as I share this world with billions of other beings who live their lives – hence the world is inherently unpredictable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear unpredictability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that within unpredictability I will not know what to do or who to be.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to remain comfortable with me no matter what new situation I find myself within.

When and as I see myself getting anxious over being asked to help – I stop and breathe and ‘let go’ of whatever I had planned for myself and which I judge as ‘more important’ than what the other person is asking my help for – and accept within myself that this is equally important and of equal value, as within supporting the other I also support myself.

Test the DIP Litecourse for Free and discover the power of writing

Visit desteni.org for more information on writing and self-forgiveness.

Day 339 - Too Exhausted to do Anything

“I’m too exhausted I can’t do anything” is a thought pattern I face at times after a day of work. It gives me the excuse to divert myself in the evenings and not do anything constructive with myself in the time that I have to myself.

Yes, the work does take a certain ‘toll’ on me – because to work efficiently one need to invest oneself wholeheartedly, give oneself completely – but that does not mean that I am ‘dead’ in the evening. I am still here. I can direct myself and decide to undertake an activity with which to support myself and ‘create’ myself – I can still plant little seeds and water them.

Today I listened to an EQAFE interview that talked about how mind resistance functions. I could see then that this is what I have been allowing: to not put in at least that equal amount of ‘pushing’ that the mind is putting out in reverse in the form of resistance. If the amount of resistance that the mind is putting out is greater than the amount of pushing that I am willing to put out in order to move myself into self-realization and self-change – then the mind will evolve and grow at the detriment of ‘me’ as the life I could be.

That is not a desirable prospect. It speaks for itself that one would like to become ‘more’ and ‘grow’ as a self-expressive person and not become ‘less’. ‘less’ than what and who one really could be as a being, as a person.

What if there is a way to bring out the best in ourselves?

Check it out at : www.desteni.org

Getting Nausea when Reading in a Bus (And how to Stop it) - Day 335

I recently had a conversation with a college about ‘reading in the bus’. The conversation came about because we both take the same bus and my college noticed that I study in the bus every day. She told me that she cannot read in the bus very well because she tends to get nausea. I said that I also used to have this, but that I pushed myself and now I no longer get nausea when reading in the bus. She was surprised and said: oh, so this is a mind thing?

In this blog I would like to share a little bit more background on what I did to bring this change about.

Initially when being faced with the possibility of having to read and study in a bus, my reply was that I am not able to do this ‘because I get nausea’. This was in fact so, whenever I had tried to read or study in the bus (or in a car) in the past I would get nausea and I would soon enough close my books and do something else. Yet, in a conversation my partner challenged me on this and said: that may very well be so, but it is a belief in your mind based on a memory. Somewhere inside me I could feel that there was a truth to this, even though I felt like saying that this is not true and I am really like that. In self-honesty, I had to investigate this point deeper to find out for myself.

And so I did: I forgave myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create the belief that when reading in a moving bus or car I will get sick or I will become nauseated. I allowed myself to realize that I had LIMITED myself with the belief that I will get sick or become nauseated when reading in a moving bus.

On a next occasion when sitting and reading in a bus, what happened is that: there was a slight movement in me where ‘the nausea’ wanted to come up – I could feel it coming up -  yet I simply breathed consistently and focused on my whole body and what happened is that the nausea dissipated like a fog – it cleared away.

And this is how I moved myself through a self-limiting belief such as that I will get nausea when reading text in a moving bus.

For more information on the specifics of how to apply self-forgiveness, please visit: www.desteni.org