Day 408 - Laurence Dervaux EXPO in Charleroi

Today I was fortunate to be able to see an exhibition in Charleroi from the Belgian artist Laurence Dervaux. The works in the exhibition were centered around the theme of the ‘liquids’ within the human body (such as blood, water, etc.) and the ‘fragility’ of the human body as a system that depends on these liquids.

When I entered the first room I immediately had to think of the book ‘Dune’ in which the scarcity of water, and how to frantically keep and recycle it, is such a central theme. But that was not so much the intention of the artist, as the entire installation functioned more as a metaphor for the entire human body through which liquids travel and are contained.

One of the smaller pieces, which looked like a network of blood vessels in the shape of baby-lungs, came with text, saying that the combined length of all the blood vessels in a human body, measures more than twice the circumference of the earth...  Now that made me ponder… because this means that the human body is indeed a vast system, a small universe of its own. The same reasoning can be applied to any body, to any animal or creature.

That alone should make us have so much respect for ourselves and each other who inhabit this world, as physical bodies. The realisation that we are each a vast universe of it’s own, yet extremely vulnerable, because we actually need each other to be able to live and co-exist. Real divinity would be to live in a manner that honours this realisation: where our actions are rooted within respect and consideration for ourselves and each other.

Yet, in this world not even the most vulnerable among us, seem worthy of our consideration. We declare wars, knowing full well that children will be the victims of these atrocities, and we declare them anyway. Does humanity deserve a seat amongst the Gods in the heavens? Or did we invent hell because we know we did nothing to stop the hell on this earth?

It is important to realise that there exists a way to 'stop'. Atrocities happen because at some point, we 'give in' to our emotions, we give in to our anger and our fears. This is an internal 'movement', an inner 'tipping point'. This inner movement does not happen without our 'consent'. We consent to it because we are participating in it. It takes many years to train oneself into developing the diligence and self-discipline required to be able to stop such automated forms of participation in emotions. I recommend to learn about self-forgiveness and how it works - because that is how you are going to learn to develop inner silence and the ability to Breathe through your own emotions when they visit you. 

Day 406 - A visit to Brussel's Military Museum

I recently visited the Military History Museum in Bruxelles and would like to share some of my observations. When I entered the museum, my first impression was that of an old and completey outdated collection of military artifacts and national symbols (which made me regret my visit). But when I proceeded to the second hall, I found myself impressed by the collection of large artillery weapons and canons. 

I was mainly fascinated within the realisation that human beings had actually operated these machines (mostly from the first world war) and would have actually used those canons to try and decimate their so called enemies. As I proceeded through the hall, I saw even larger artillery and even full scale tanks. At this point it dawned on me how far humanity has gone in trying to specialise in forcing another party to agree with us and how much violence we are actually willing to use. 

If you are walking in a relationship with another being, you will find that reaching agreement through communication is actually one of the hardest things there is. You are simply not trained nor prepared for this - your education and entertainment has only prepared you for 'survival' and 'conflict'. Communication is not manipulation. I communicate with you because I accept you as an equal and I realise that I cannot move 'with you' unless we move in 'unison'. For that we both need to agree. 

The reason why international law is not actually working and why there are stil so many armed conflicts in the world, is because in the end, when all communication fails, we perceive that we can use violence and force, and because we perceive that we already have an advantage anyway. Why would we give up our advantage? 

The realisation that communication and equality are the only way forward, has still not matured within humanity. It is essential to maintain one’s inner calm and integrity when things around us seem to spin out of control. Fear and panic only lead to a more consequential outcome – stay calm, use common sense. You can see it in a person when they are possessed with fear. In a way they are ‘lost’ – they are out of touch with themselves, with life, with reality. Just breathe.

Humanity must learn to take ‘self’ as a startingpoint: I am here – I am responsible for me – I forgive myself. When self starts to take responsibility for self and starts caring for self – that is when change is actually possible and real. But you cannot ‘force’ this change in another. You walk your own process unconditionally – and the gratefulness you experience for you changing yourself is yours alone. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online writing and self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Easy Rider (1969) Movie Review

I had seen Easy Rider about 20 years ago for the first time. I remember being impressed with the film and recently for some reason I wanted to watch the film again.

What I mostly remembered from last time was the tragic ending and the shots of the landscapes and the motorcycles. The story is about 2 men, Wyatt and Billy, riding their motorcycle and living a lifestyle of cruising around the Southern part of the United States. What struck me this time was that the story begins with the men successfully closing a big drugs deal. I had completely forgotten that part. They purchase a large quantity of cocaine in Latin America and then resell that at a much higher price to a buyer in the States. Within successfully striking this deal they have apparently won their freedom because now they have enough money to live their cruising lifestyle for many years to come.

I thought this was an interesting twist at the beginning of the film, because in a way the movie is all about having the courage to be free and live a lifestyle that is substantially different from the norms of society, but in reality there is no actual solution offered in regards to ‘how’ to be free, because indeed the main problem is that one need income in order to live. Hence, one way to look at the beginning of the film is that they successfully bought their freedom, but another way to look at it is that they actually sold their integrity and did not actually create a real point of freedom that one can learn from. 

I did enjoy the spirit of the film I must say and the sense of adventure of just cruising and Wyatt and Billy just going where they feel like and enjoying their bikes. There is an actual point of openness and peacefulness within the film. It is basically approaching life as an experiment, which is what it should be and not something that is set in stone through laws, traditions and customs.

So, the question then remains – how to be an Easy Rider? Do you have to close a drugs deal or win the lottery? Because, despite all the creativity underpinning this film, the answer to that question was not very creative. I would say, based on my personal experience, that being an Easy Rider is based not on having won some kind of lottery, but on who you are as a person. And here an ‘Easy Rider’ is not to be taken literally as is depicted in the film, but in a metaphorical sense. Because one ingredient that made the film very compelling is Wyatt’s attitude towards life. Had he not been as ‘calm’, ‘relaxed’, ‘grounded’, ‘open’ and ‘caring’ throughout the story, then the film would not have been such a success.  In a way he was like a Siddhartha on a motorcycle.

So back to the question how to practically be an Easy Rider in this world? I would say that one Key is to walk with a certain ‘detachment’ in this world. It does not matter then whether you have a motorcycle or not, or whether you have a lot of money or not, or even on what kind of job you have. To walk with a certain ‘detachment’ would mean that you have a rather ‘practical’ relationship with the things in your world without being ‘consumed’ by the things that you require to be able to operate and function. Most people will require a job or have to be self-employed in order to have any form of stability in their lives, hence being ‘detached’ within that would mean that you express yourself within your job in a manner that honours your best potential, but nonetheless you would not allow your job to define ‘who you are’. You have a practical relationship with it. You can then also have a practical relationship with money. You know that you need it, but you don’t have to be consumed by it.

But wasn’t Easy Rider also about being adventurous and bold in life? Yes, I would say so. I personally have started experiencing adventurousness and boldness when I started traveling in recent years. In the past I thought traveling to be an unnecessary ‘luxury’. And with ‘traveling’ here I mean really going somewhere for the sake of exploring a new place and experiencing things that I have not seen or experienced before. What I like about this kind of traveling is that my relationship with people changes – they are not ‘there’ as part of the wallpaper, but actual people I can interact with, hang out with and learn from. I would say that my relationship with people in general has changed. I used to be very rigid and keeping people at bay, whereas now I more easily let someone into my world and my reality. For me that is being adventurous, because in moments I have to trust myself that it is ok to place my trust in this or that person for a moment. I am sure there are many other ways of living the word ‘adventurousness’ – if you feel like sharing your own examples why not leave a comment?

Thank you for reading. 

Day 404 - On Brainwashing, War and Propaganda

When looking at the organisation of our societies, it is rather astonishing that a political minority has the ability and the power to decide that a country should go to war. Most citizens do not necessarily see the added value or even the gain within engaging in a war, yet the decision is able to be made anyway. How is this possible?

Should the leadership of a country not aspire to do what is best for the country and for its citizens? One could say: ah, but the citizens fear the leadership, they fear the government and hence they keep quiet within fear of survival.

How is it then, that the governments of our world obtained so much power that the will of the people has in many cases become irrelevant? Look at the U.S:A, look at China, look at Russia – but also look at the European Union, where structures of power have been created that are operating outside of the realm of public debate.

I would say that the novel “1984” by George Orwell is a relevant book to read, because it explains how in the future (our present time) the minds of men would be controlled through the control of information.

I have noticed how in recent years the emphasis on ‘survival’ has become stronger in the world again. Survival seems to give the perfect pretext for everyone to become passive and just let everything unfold in the world as if it happens entirely outside of our will or power. But I say that the governments only have the power to command armies and go to war, because we have abdicated our own directive will and power within this world. If I accept myself to be ‘powerless’ in my life and in the world – I will most likely accept whatever comes my way and I will simply try to ‘survive’. And this is what the world is currently doing. Just trying to ‘survive’. That is so sad…

The problem is that the average person cannot conceive of ‘solutions’ other than ‘I have to go protest in the street’ or ‘I have to go risk my life to sabotage my government’. This is because our entertainment industry has taught us to see the world in a completely polarised way of good versus evil. What if the solution is not to try and be a hero, but instead to start a process of self-introspection and actually address your own brainwashing at the source? Because one thing is clear: we are accepting the world as it currently is because of our own accepted beliefs about ourselves, about human nature and life in general. Who is to blame for this conditioning? Our schools? The media? Our parents? Our great-grand parents? Or their forefathers?

It should be clear that the only solution is to take responsibility for ourselves and for this world as if it was our own creation. This implies that we are responsible for our own conditioning and even our brainwashing. Armies are able to march into war because of: brainwashing. Citizens are able to accept the government narratives of what is really going on in this world, because of: brainwashing. We accept that mass poverty must exist amidst an abundance of resources in this world because of: brainwashing.

At Desteni we say that one’s brainwashing can actually be addressed. In other words: it is possible to walk back through your life and take responsibility for every single moment of ‘diminishment’ that you have accepted within yourself. The way to do this is through a process of self-forgiveness.

Here are some examples:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am separate from this world and that as an individual in this world ‘I am powerless’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed by what is happening in this world and in the lives of others – hence I try to pretend it simply does not exist because maybe then it will go away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that politicians and governments are to blame for what is happening in this world – instead of realising that politicians only have power by virtue of the accepted belief that citizens are ignorant and greedy and need to be governed and controlled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and hide within conformity and survival – because then maybe I am no longer responsible?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at the world as something separate from me instead of realising that what is happening in the world outside of me is reflective of what is happening in my inner world of thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself with fear and survival regarding the state of the world – instead of addressing who I am within my thoughts, words and deeds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have abdicated responsibility from myself and who I have become in this world – by placing blame and responsibility within institutions and people outside of me.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online writing and self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Buzz Lightyear (2022): Movie Review

We went to see the Buzz Lightyear movie yesterday and I actually liked it quite a bit. I thought the story was developing in a non-predictable manner and the problems and challenges being faced by the protagonists were quite interesting and unexpected. For me the theme that stood out was the theme of ‘Failure’ and ‘shame within making mistakes’.

These are topics that are close to my heart because I have walked such points in my life many times and I know how tough it can be to stand up from making mistakes, sometimes even with really detrimental outcomes, and to then stand up from that and continue finding a reason and purpose to live. I mean that is what some people are actually facing in reality – not only ‘challenges’ as it is being called, but mistakes and outcomes that make you question your very existence.

I found that when I had arrived in such a point in my life, the only way to move foward was to drop all expectations about myself and my life and to communicate with the people in my life. Start including everyone in my life and reality and see where I can be of support, and most importantly: where it is that I need assistance and support. That is how you create yourself anew.

It is as though Buzz Lightyear cannot forgive himself. He has to be ‘the one’ that is going to ‘save everyone’ to fix the situation. Except that the more he tries to ‘save everyone’ the more it leads to more consequences. What comes through is that his unwillingmess to forgive himself and his stubbornness to be a saviour actually reveals a superiority belief – where ‘only he’ is able to succeed alone by himself. Except that ‘alone’ he appears to be going nowhere…

In an interesting scene where he and his companions are stuck together in a time-sensitive trap, he still approaches the situation from the vantage point of having to save everyone. At this point someone in his team actually says that they don’t need him to save them, they need him to work together with them. And indeed, by being humble to the reality of the situation and realising that he needs to give up his specialness and simply work together, he and his companions form a team that is one unit of combined strengths which succeeds to break out of the trap.

I thought that was really interesting: because I have often also found that when working in a team, I have to stop myself from making assumptions and actually need to slow down and communicate with everyone before I can act – and when I do eventually act my actions actually represent the team-effort and not simply my individual will.

This is the lesson of Buzz Lightyear: a process from superiority to humility and actual real care for his fellow companions as equals. Perhaps that is also the way forward for humanity and all of us who feel we have ‘failed’ and made ‘unrepairable mistakes’: don’t take yourself so seriously and include others into your life.

Day 402 - Communication and Agreement

I recently finished my last bachelor exam and as I was walking back to the train station, I wanted to buy a waffle. Arriving at the kiosk, I decided against the waffle and went for a hot chocolate instead. 

When I stood on the platform, waiting for my train, I had the impression that my hot chololate did not have any taste at all. It was as if I was drinking a cup of hot water. I got annoyed and I felt cheated, because the drink was not cheap. For that price I should get an actual hot chocolate, and not 'hot water'... 

Although my first thought was to go back and talk to the Kiosk lady, I started to dismiss the idea, telling myself that it will take too long (my train would arrive in 10 minutes) and also I did not want to be "one of those people that complain". When I stopped myself from participating in these thoughts, I realised that there was still enough time before the train would arrive and that consquently I had no excuse to not at least try. 

I left the platform climbing the stairs and walked back to the kiosk. Again I had a thought of discouragement when I saw the amount of people standing in line at the kiosk. I proceeded anyway, and in doing so it appeared that only one person was actually standing in line, while the rest stood there waiting for someone else. 

When I got to speak to the kiosk lady, I made sure that I was calm and friendly. I said that I was sorry but that when I drank from the hot chocolate it simply tasted like hot water. She was like: "Oh really? Well let me make you another one then!" She made a new one from the machine, but I said to her that it still had no taste... After some back and forth communication, and her making sure that her machine was working properly, she decided to manually add extra cacao powder to the hot milk (yes, it was actual milk, not water) and this time it did taste like hot chocolate. 

I was happy that she went through the effort to fix the drink. For some reason had I expected that she would be stingy about the whole issue and that the conversation would be not so pleasant at all - but this proved to be entirely unfounded. She was very mature about the whole thing and vey accomodating. 

Afterwads I was happy that I had made the step to communicate, instead of simply accepting the experience of feeling 'cheated'. This way I gave both myself and the lady the opportunity to give the best of ourselves, instead of blocking myself with assumptions and ending up being frustrated and resentful. 

It came down to it that the machine was not distributing sufficient cacao into the drink - and it was the first time someone actually said something about it to her. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online writing and self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 401 - My Journey into Spain - Fourth Chapter

I see it as worthwhile to continue and finish my series on this trip to Spain, because I have not even gotten to some of the coolest points that I faced and realised while on my trip.

(Please read my previous three posts for perspective and chronology of events.)

That morning I arrived fairly early at the parking lot to Platja Fonda (which is a small beach not too far from Girona). At first it seemed like it would be impossible to get in, because there was only one parking lot and the impression I had was that the cars were moving at a very slow pace and barely managing to receive a parking spot. In fact, the parking lot was being managed by one man alone and he was making sure that every single car would take a spot on the terrain exactly according to his directions, because this would allow for a maximum amount of cars to receive a spot, while also still being able to drive out. Now looking back at it, I can see how such a parking terrain could otherwise easily turn into a chaos with cars being stuck and unable to leave! So, the manager completed his daily Tetris and did a great job and I was rewarded for my patience with a parking spot. 

I changed inside the car because I had no idea what the beach would be like (I think I was wearing my swimmshorts underneath my normal shorts), and then I walked a few small streets down to a staircase that led downward to the beach. To simply walk down those stairs was already an experience in and of itself. The view over the beach was quite stunning. The area was failry small and I estimate that with 200 people the beach would have been completely full. 

After I had found myself a spot to lay down my towel, came the interesting part. I had a car key with me and my wallet, which I could not take with me in the water. Back in Barcelona I had faced a similar issue when I visited the outdoor pool (Piscina Municipal de Montjuïc), because I had assumed that there would be lockers in the change rooms in the building but there weren't! Being alone I had to improvise on how to deal with leaving my belongings by the pool while I would take a swim. My solution was to choose a spot in the plain midday sun (which was extremely hot) which is the spot that everyone at the pool was avoiding. By leaving my things there I was able to easily keep an eye on my stuff while swimming in the pool. It's not the best experience to have to keep an eye on one's stuff like that while swimming, but given the circumstances I was satisfied with my solution and it worked perfectly. 

Today at the Platja Fonda I could not apply the same logic, because the beach was too crowded, and so I looked around myself to see who I could possibly approach and speak to. I approached a woman with two or three daughters and asked her in Spanish if it was okay that I lay my towel next to theirs because I was alone at the beach and I have no one to watch my stuff while I go swimming. It then transpired that she didn't speak Spaninh very well because she was actually from France. That made it easier becasue I switched to French and explained my point in a way that was more comfortable and she agreed and said no problem. 

While I was swimming I was observing that there were children jumping from very high rocks into the water. Within witnessing the kids jumping off the rocks, I realised that this is somthing I fear doing - yet at the same time it seems fun. It occured to me that I could try this today as well, but then I dsimissed the thought because the moment did not feel right - meaning: I did not feel ready to actually now go and do it. (Sooner than I expected during this trip I would come accross another beach with kids jumping off high rocks). I allowed myself to let go from this point and simply enjoyed myself in the water. I found that it was particularly easy to simply 'float' in he water. I would make a big star shape with my arms and legs and I would just float with my face and toes facing the sun. For a moment I allowed myself to just be a leaf that floats on the small waves. I don't think that I have been able to float so effortlessly before, it was really easy. After an hour or two of alternating swimming and resting I decided to pack my stuff and head back for the car. I thanked the woman and said goodbye. (We did talk a bit but not a lot)

Now I don't remmeber if it was on the same day or the next, but I continued exploring the area by car and I visited a handful of historical villages. Visiting the villages kept me busy for half a day. During one of those visits, while I was walking on a downhill path along with a couple - I spoke to them and we got talking. They were Spanish and like me they were visitng the area. They gave me a few tips of other villages and sites to see and in the evening we bumped into each other again on one of those locations, which was extremely enjoyable. It takes so little sometimes to build a connection with someone. They got all excited and asked me if I saw those places they recommended and I said yes I did! If I had wanted I could have invited them to go have a drink somewhere, but my focus for now was on walking around and getting to see as much as I could. I ended our encounter with giving them a big thank you. 

At that point I was in a beach town close to Palafrugell (which is where the Spanish couple had sent me to, and it was indeed very beautifull). When I arrived at one of the small beaches by foot, the main attraction seemed to be high rocks (maybe 4 or 5 meters high) with children jumping and diving off them in the water. It seemed to me that turning down this opportunity now would be like shooting myself in the foot. I could have easily said to myself: but look how inconvenient, I don't even have someone to watch my wallet and keys and that's so uncomfortable! But instead I looked at the situation an reaslised that the moment was actually perfect and that if I did not do it now... then who am I fooling? I then walked back to the car to get my towel and came back with the intention of jumping of those rocks today, even though I did not yet know how I would go about it. As I was sitting on my towel in the sand (the beach was semi-crowded) I contemplated for a moment to burry my keys and wallet in the sand under my towel or something, but then I thought of that Australian film with Heath Ledger where he burried a bag full of money in the sand so that he could take a swim and when he came back the bag was gone, because someone had secretly watched him burry his stuff. So I decided to not make things unnecessarily complicated. 

I heard that there was a group of Dutch tourists laying on their towels not too far from me, they seemed like a bunch of friends, or two families maybe. I took a breath, collected my bravoure and went to speak to them. I asked them kindly if it was okay that I lay my stuff right next to them for a moment, for them to keep an eye on, because I am alone at the beach, while I dive off the rocks where the kids are. I said: "This is something I normally fear doing but today I want to try it." And they were all like: "No problem! Yeah, man go for it!!" 

The rocks were easily accessible but the actual jumping point was quite slippery and not so easy to stand on. In Belgium something like this would definately be prohibited for safety reasons lol. It must have been a funny sight to see me crawl to the jumping point, because I am quite tall and standing tall while walking on those wet and slippery rocks was really freaking me out. So I 'crawled' to the jumping point and only there did I stand up straight. I asked a boy who was standing next to me, 'where' it was best to jump and he pointed at an area in the water and basically said: as far as possible from the rocks. Off course the jump and dive in the water went all fine and I went for a second time!  

After that I had a short conversation with the Dutch guys. We talked about the differences between the Netherlands and Belgium and a little bit about politics and then I went off. It was an interesting experience for me to realise how I had been able to find the right people to speak to on that day, which had opened doors that otherwise would not have opened up for me. It was also interesting to realise that when the right communication is used, and you allow them to actually stand in your shoes, people are actually very understanding and supportive. This is a side of 'being alone' that I had not so often experienced before.   

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 400 - My Journey into Spain - Third Chapter

I was sitting in the car on a parking lot. I had reached the city of Girona. It was incredibly hot and being stressed I did not think of turning on the airco while I was looking at my phone. I had gone into a gloomy experience of myself, because based on my first impression of the outer area of the city, I had created the idea that the city was basically boring.

As I was allowing myself to sink further into this gloominess, I saw that my partner had sent me a text asking me where I was and what I was up to. In hindsight it was interesting to see how easily I was allowing myself to ‘give up’ and basically create an experience of myself where I felt ‘stuck’. I answered her that I was at the doorstep of Girona and that I was looking at what to do… She immediately wrote back saying that Girona is a beautiful city with lots to see and that I should stay there! The enthusiasm of her message made me realise that I was using flimsy perceptions to influence me in my self-direction. (she had already told me before that the city was worthwhile) I snapped out of my lethargy and started looking for hotels. Soon enough I found a nice hotel at a nice (last minute) discount price in the middle of the city with access to an underground parking nearby.

I was amazed at the fact that I was able to book a hotel right there in the car, simply by using the internet on my phone and a credit card. On top of that the hotel immediately wrote me in WhatsApp to give me some instructions and directions... It is only a year or so ago that I bought a smartphone that is really efficient enough to be used as a smartphone (My previous phone was 6 years old and not working anymore). This allows me to actually use all the ‘features’ and apps in a nice way – as a result of this I have started to use my phone much more. By hanging on to an old phone that was partially dysfunctional, it was as if I was refusing to use all the resources that were available to me in the world, simply because I was ‘judging’ how the world had changed as a result of the widespread use of smartphones. The truth is that without my new phone my journey into Spain would have been not so easy.  

The hotel in Girona (Condall Hotel) was very pleasant and it was actually one of my best hotel experiences ever, even despite there being no breakfast. The room was bright, neat and clean, with a nice street view. I immediately felt ‘at home’. I was happy and content with myself for being in the place where I was. Again, it is amazing to realise how we can let ourselves be influenced by a perception, a small point, which will then determine our total experience, like a veil we pull over our eyes.

The weather continued to be very warm and I walked to the tourist office in the city centre. I received a map and a rough outline of what I could expect to find in the city. The rest of the day I spent walking from one historical site to another. I was impressed by the amount and the beauty of the sites and in the evening I walked to a jazzcafè where a band would be playing. I arrived an hour late but the band hadn't started yet. Even though I was told that the place was 'full' and that I had no 'reservation' I did not allow that to discourage me. I said in Spanish that it didn't matter and that I would listen from behind the fence then! (they had build a little fence around the outdoor seating area) The lady at the entrance then proceeded to give me one of their foldable chairs anyways and I set myself down just next to the fence, being able to perfectly see the concert and enjoy the music. I had a great time.

Because Girona was fairly small (compared to Barcelona) I projected that I should also make some excursions by car left and right. By looking on the internet I found a small beach (Platja Fonda) that seemed fun to drive to and that’s exactly what I did the next day. I got up early enough to make sure I would find a parking spot and off I was…

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 399 - My Journey into Spain - Second Chapter

On the third day in Barcelona, I had to start to make a decision about what I was going to do next. I had only booked 4 nights in the hotel where I was currently staying. The thought had crossed my mind that I could prolong my stay, but within myself I also did not feel clear on why I should do that. Ideally I should rent a car, leave Barcelona and start exploring other parts of the region. 

I think it was on that very same day that I realised it was possible to take the Teleferic de Muntjuic all the way to the top of the Muntjuic mountain where the Muntjuic castle is located. I was walking my way up to the lower planes and gardens of the mountain, when I saw a line of people waiting to enter the Teleferic station. It seemed like a lot of people already, but I was immediately eager to also take the Teleferic. As I joined the line of people, I realised that the Teleferic was actually still closed but it was about to open in just 2 minutes. Once the door of the station opened, the queue moved inside rather quickly and within 10 minutes I was stepping inside my own cabin. 

When the Cabin started rolling along the cable, I felt a gracious happyness. I was enjoying myself a lot. I wanted to make lots of photograps because the views were really stunning. Within myself I felt like this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and this caused me to actually create stress about taking enough pictures. At that point I realised that I should give myself the space to simply enjoy and sit and breathe. So I settled within myself and when appropriate, I took a photograph.

Once I walked out of the cabin at the top, there was an area which had a stunning view over the industrial harbour of Barcelona. I walked around and took some pictures. At one point I saw a seagull flying at about my height, perhaps 20 meters away from me. Except that he was flying besides the mountain so he was floating really high in the sky from his vantage point. In that moment I could stand in the shoes of the Saegull because I was looking down at pretty much the same depth below. Upon experiencing the Seagull I came up with the following lines on that day:

"Als je een Meeuw bent,

Mag je geen hoogtevrees hebben."

(When you are a Seagull,

You cannot have fear of heights.) 

The castle in itself was not of that much interest to me, except that it offered more nice views over the whole area of Barcelona. On my way down with the Teleferic (because I bought a return ticket, you could also choose to walk all your way down again) I started to seriously look at the point at hand as I saw that I had to make a decision: what am I going to do next? I used my right hand to guide me as I was looking at the point and what stood out for me in that moment was that I was not comfortable with the idea of traveling around the country. Within myself I went: am I just allowed to do that? I cancel the whole idea of traveling around and I simply stay the whole time in Barcelona? I went pfft yes let me just do that. I mean I am having a lot of fun in Barcelona. 

I did not look at the point further untill later that day, I think it was the afternoon, when I realised: hey, wait a minute, this doesn't make sense. Because when it came down to the historical city of Barcelona, the truth was that I was starting to become fed up with being there. It was suddenly clear and obvious that staying here was not an option at all. And this experience of fed-up ness had already come up the previous day as well - hence I knew that this was the reality of the situation. I knew that now, and only now, I was ready to move on. That evening in the hotel I booked a car for eight days and I bought a returnflight to Belgium. 

I had nine more days to spend in Spain and tomorrow was my last day in Barcelona. 

Day 398 - My Journey into Spain - First Chapter

Normally when I travel abroad, I prefer to stay more or less in one location and not move around too much. But this time, the suggestion came up that I should 'travel around' and explore the country. I have never done this before on my own. With my partner we did travel to countries and we traveled around, but the initiation and the movement would come from my partner and I would just 'ride along'. 

Within my personality I have quite a bit of 'fears' as regards 'unpredictable things' that can happen whilst traveling, consequently for me to do this ony my own was an important step. When I leanred that I would not be able to travel to Panama less than 24 hours before the departure flight, I looked at the situation and talking with my partner, I decided that I wanted to travel to Spain instead. I had 2 weeks of holiday ahead of me and it was the middle of the summer. In a way it was perfect. 

So within the span of one day, I booked a one way ticket to Barcelona plus a hotel for 4 nights in the city. I did not know what I would do after those 4 nights nor did I know when I would fly home. But most likely I would after those 4 days, hire a car and travel to other places and then see when I would be ready to return home. I just had to make sure I'd be back after two weeks. 

The benefit was that my suitcase was already packed for a 2-week holiday. I simply had to replace some stuff and do some different paperwork as regards traveling to Spain. I enjoyed being able to simply book a flight and not know exactly when I'd return home. Many people do this type of traveling already in their twenties, but as I said, for me it was all new. 

What was interesting within this trip is that I knew where my fears and insecurities were. I knew that I would have to deliberately move myself to challenge myself and not fall back into comfort zones and fears of the unknown. In that sense my trip was quite expansive, because I did succeed in identifying those moments where I usually 'back off' in fear and instead guided myself to take small leaps of faith. 

The rest of my amazing journey will be posted on this blog in days to come. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 397 - On the Fear of RIDICULE

I recently re-watched an old episode from a Belgian satire series (called 'In de Gloria'), of which I had already seen all the episodes more than 10 years ago. What struck me this time around is one particular sketch that was presented as an 'interview' of a woman and her husband. The woman was going to her local church every Sunday and singing along with the choir, but the choir leader and the priest had 'stepped in' to have her remain silent during the singing because her singing was experienced as 'disruptive'. The interview starts out as being rather funny, but as the interview continued I realised there was also an 'innocent' element within the story.  

Upon her receiving the news that she was no longer allowed to sing, her husband went to buy a synthesizer in the store to help her with rythm. What is intended within the interview is for both the woman and her husband to be 'ridiculous', because of the way that they express themselves. Yet, one point I found interesting within the story/interview: which was that the husband was actually supporting his wife to deal with her problem. Meaning, he took equal ownership of the issue and they literally worked at it together because it was that important for his wife. So, what stood out for me is the quality of the collaboration between the man and the wife and how they stood as a team, even though their endevour might seem ridiculous to external observers. I actually found this last dimension to be completely irrelevant and actually besides the point.  

In reality what was being shown is how much a person can care for another person that they will walk a point like that together. Indeed, when the intent is pure, is does not matter what it looks like to external observers. Consequently, what the interview is actually revealing is that we will often not unconditionally support those that we care about because of the fear of ridicule. What does that say about us? 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 395 - Beyond the Walls / Au Delà des Murs

Normally I am not attracted to 'horror' stories and films. I usually find it quite 'creepy' and not so enjoyable - but today I somehow felt compelled to watch the beginning of a series called "Au Delà des Murs" (Beyond the Walls), which was advertised as a horror-series. 

A Lady inherits an old house and starts to experience psychedelic episodes at night when she walks into non existing rooms and corridors throughout the house and encounters a half human, half animal creature. 

The moment when this creature enters the screen, is supposed to be a scary moment - but I did not find it scary. I saw the creature and it was simply another being standing in the room - no big deal. Then it started to move towards her. Well, maybe it wants to communiacte with her so no big deal. Then, she started to get scared, and she started to run. This is when I realised the people create their own nightmares through their 'judgments' because what was happenening was not 'evil' or 'abusive' in any shape or form. It was simply 'unusual'. But then interestingly the story spins off into some dramatic 'chase' where she needs to run and hide from 'creatures'. 

But why all the 'drama'? Did she not by her own doing choose to ASSUME some kind of fucked up narrative of what was going on instead of actually being vulnerable and investigate what is going on? I have no problems with 'weird creatures', 'weird people' and 'weird events'. When something is seemingly scary or absurd to you - does that automatically mean that you are in danger and that you must 'run'? 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 393 - The Unspoken Law of the Jungle

If you look at the 'family-construct' as a social system, one would expect that it solves the problem of 'responsibility' and 'everyone being taken care of'. Because: ideally, every child is born within a family (of at least one parent) - and that is not even taking into account the amount of orphan children in this world. 

Then, because every child is ideally born within a family of at least one parent - there is an unspoken 'law of the jungle'  that every child is taken care of in this world, as the child stands under the protection and care of (at least) one adult. The 'family-construct' as a social system is then really presented as the basic foundation of society, without which children would be lost. Looking at the world superficially then, one would expect that most children in the world are taken care of as they are lodged within one or more 'family-constructs'. And, as was said, the unspoken law of the jungle dictates that since the child is in the care of a family, it is consequently 'taken care of'.

The unspoken law of the jungle does however not take into account the money-system and how it functions on a global scale. The underlying assumtion of the law of the jungle is that every family in the world will have the means to take care of a child appropriately. The only way to do that in today's world, is by having access to money. Without money, one cannot actually survive. Yet, more than half of all the human beings in todays world officially live under the poverty line. They do not have sufficient access to money and consequently they cannot actually give the care to the children that the children require. Hence roughly half the children in this world are in effect not adequately taken care of. 

Some years ago it was reported in South Africa that a pregnant woman had thrown herself off the stairs with the deliberate intent to permanently damage her unborn child, so as to later qualify for specific government support. This is the law of the jungle in full action, because it did not consider the global economic system. 

If we assume (law of the jungle) that children are to be taken care of within a family, then why would we restrict access to money for families? Why would we not want families to have guaranteed access to money so that they can adequately raise, support and take care of their children? When we resolve this contradiction, we will resolve the problem of poverty and then we will finally be able to say that families are the foundation of society, which currently they are not. 

Day 392 - A World where Growing Old is Embraced and Supported

This topic opened op when I was contemplating how some individuals do manage to grow quite old in this world. This struck me, because I somehow do not expect myself to get that old. And I wondered why? 

I then looked at the center point: which is that everyone fears ageing. But why do we fear it so much? Is it simply because we fear death? Maybe, but there seems to be quite a lot more to it. When I looked at it the answer was rather simple: it is that with ageing comes more insecurity. We basically do not expect that the world will be of much support when and as we grow old. That is quite rough.

As I write this I can sense a pain that is difficult to describe. 

In Europe a lot of this insecurity is tied in with the discourse being held by the governments: they already warn of the precarity of the future pensions. Make sure that somehow you have money to survive because if you do not... you need to provide for your own pension, your own plan B. This reminds me of the situation in Greece in 2014 (when the economy collapsed), when it was reported that an elderly man, when reading the amount of his montly pension allowance, walked down the river and hung himself from a tree. 

Where does 'change' begin? Does it begin on the streets? Does it begin in Parliament? Does it begin on Television? Does it begin in school? Where... what... how... 

It begins within self:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see ageing as something that is 'undesireable' and 'ugly'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that we locked down the economy to apparently protect the elderly, but the truth is we do not care about the elderly as we will not even guarantee their right to exist and live a meaningfull life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simpy 'accept' that this is how we treat elderly, which means that this is how we are willing to treat ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that our society punishes the elderly - which is the reflection of a society hating itself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself and consequently accept that it is ok that I should fear for my own survival as an elderly - as if that somehow is what I actually deserved all along: to die like a rat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have no understanding of what it means to care for myself as life and to care for another as life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prove myself unable to have a long term vision for humanity and for myself and for the existence of humanity in this world.

A World where Growing Old is Embraced and Supported. What would that look like? In the beginning was the Word. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 391 - A Practical Approach to Making Decisions

In the early years of my process I often made the mistake of using my feelings to make a decision. I would try to listen to what my body says and I would interpret that experience with my mind. If right after I made a decision I would suddenly experience a negative feeling such as fear, I might get swayed and think that I made a wrong decision.

In recent years I have learned to make decisions more effectively. First of all I do not use feelings to guide me. First of all I ask myself what it is that I want and I also look at what is realistically possible. This might involve having to do research and doing some math. Sometimes the research will show that the thing I would like is not lucrative and I will then already have my answer. Other times the research will show that it is possible and then it is really up to me.

What I have learned is that sometimes a decision will be rather clear and easy to make – and sometimes it is not so clear and not so easy to make, despite all the research I did. I will off course also talk to people if I am really unclear as to what to do to get a form of external feedback. But in the end the decision will remain up to me. Here is a practical tool that I have found to be useful when making decisions: usually a decision is only really made by taking a certain action. For instance, you make your decision known to someone, or you click on a button to confirm a deal, or you post a message on a platform. 

I found that in this moment, I am able to completely slow myself down. I take a deep breath and I remain silent inside. Then, I place my awareness in my whole body and I ask myself if I am cool with this or not. If I am cool with this, then I act. If I am not cool with this, then that means that there is perhaps something that I have not yet considered. This 'being cool' with the decision then immediately translates into a physical movement: it almost happens sumultaneously: I know that I am cool with it and consequently I am doing it. I act my decision. Sometimes there will still be 'fear' in this phase, but it is like I will sit with myself and 'hold myself' and see if I am able to 'push' myself softly to walk into that descision and then there will arrive a point where suddenly I am 'ready' - an inner movement and then I act. 

This then also gives me a solid foundation to later on not ‘question‘ a decision I made. Because I know that I have made that decision in ful awareness and deliberateness. Therefore it was a specific decision and I know I can stand by it. In other words, I can trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in moments still allow 'external' feedback to guide me in my decisions – such as 'coincidences' and 'synchronicities'.

I realise and understand that coincidences and syncronicities might occur due to the nature of the system that we exist in but I cannot limit myself nor define myself according to a coincidence or synchronicity – which means I am still seeking 'the guiding hand of God', instead of me accepting and embracing my own expression and responsibility as life and what i am willing to stand by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for outward signals in moments when I am still in doubt, where I abdicate my authority to an external system to which I then become enslaved.

I realise and understand that I cannot fear my own descisions. I realise and understand that I cannot fear the consequences of my descisions. I realise and understand that I am the beginning and the end-point of my own descisions.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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The Valhalla Murders (2019) Review

This is one of the best crime series I have seen in years and I simply recommend it. Interesting with this particular series is that there is no underlying 'lovestory' mixed in the plot. The story follows two police officers. They investigate murders that are taking place as a result of systematic abuse that happened 30 years ago to a group of children. 

Through the sequence of murders the investigators get to reconstrue what had happened in the past and they realise that there were many loose ends that were never investigated. So this series heavily uses the topics of child abuse, broken families, pedophile rings, and government corruption. Even the lives of the policeofficers themselves are tainted by trauma and severe abuse in the past. Consequently, the story is about 'human nature' and what it means to grow up in this world as a child. 

The plot is vey believable I would say, up until the point where a seperate investigation request into a high ranking official is being filed but then very quickly shut down. A copy of a set of compromising documents is however also sent to a journalist and it is the journalist who confronts the official in a live TV interview. This I found to be a gullible twist of the plot because it banks on 'hope' and the belief that the press is actually here to 'expose' deception. 

From my perspective the mainstream press is fully complicit to the deception in this world because as with any organisation and institution they rely on money for their survival and existence. I do not believe that free journalism actually exists within todays corporate media landscape. Journalists simply do their 'job' and they have families to feed and morgages to pay. It is as simple as that. Very few people are actually willing to rock the boat. This is why in todays world we have reached a stage of perfect censorship. 

This is why real 'standing up' and 'self-education' - for now - must come from alternative media and news sources such as small independent newspapers, blogs and podcasts. This is also why it was so easy to brush all the questions regarding 9/11 under the carpet so quickly, as the mainstream media stand as 'one voice' that only follow 'one story'.

First Man (2018) Movie Review

I finished watching the film 'First Man' (2018) and would like to share some observations regarding this film. Initially I was not very interested to see it, because I was no longer interested in the topic of 'space travel' and 'astronauts', believing I had already seen enough movies on the subject. But, I found the approach towards the topic very original and in moments actualy breath-taking. 

In this film you follow Neil Armstrong in his career and the process he walked to become an astronaut at NASA. After he has been selected to take part in the moonlanding project, something interesting unfolds and becomes clear in the film: this project is actually a life-endangering mission. Even the tests and preparations they have to participate in on earth, are already life-threatening, because that is the level of risk the astronauts will be exposed to once they are in space. On one occasion, 3 atronauts simply die while waiting in the cockpit of a ship, as they sit and wait for a racket to be launched. But instead of the rocket launching, the cockpit exploded due to a malfunctioning. 

Because of this and other events, you realise that the astronauts were actually used as 'canon fodder' by the government, because it was known that each one of them could die, but the project was pushed anyways, due to the political urgency to establish superiority by landing on the moon.  When placing all these elements together, in a way I lost respect for this whole endeavour. I do not see the value in working on a project that actually disregards it's participants. A project with an outcome of value should bring value to all of its contributors and not deliberately sacrifice some of them so that a few may benefit. That sounds more like a cult. For this reason, projects that involve deliberate harm being done and beings being put at risk for no justifiable reason, should simply not exist. 

There is enough value that can be created in this world through projects that actually support human beings, animals and nature, and with much greater effect  - without requiring us to blow ourselves up. Being a 'hero' does not always mean that you MUST PUT YOUR LIFE AT RISK. There are ways to be of support to yourself and your environment that are respectful towards yourself and towards others. Look for instance at what my friend Gian Robberts is doing with his 'Earth Haven' community: slowly but surely, building a nest of support in Panama for people who are willing to come and 'learn' what it means to live together and 'reconnect' with the tissue of life. 

Day 387 - Dark Thoughts of a Dark Knight

What I enjoy these days is that we go out for a bikeride every evening after work. This is not something I would normally push myself to do especially with the days being so short and the dark setting in very early and the temperatures being close to zero. But every evening I am being asked (and pushed) to join for the evening bikeride and it does have a beneficial effect on how I experience myself in what is still a semi-lockdown. We put on warm clothes and just venture out on our bikes. There have been evenings where I have been more reluctant because I could feel how cold it was outside, and there was a natural tendency to just want to stay inside and 'be warm' but the reality is that I had been inside already all day, working in front of a computer and that bikeride just creates a real break from that living between four walls, as if one is only existing in a cave. 

I can see how it would be so easy to just sink into some kind of 'depression' given the context of lock-down and just become 'demoralised' with the days being so monotonous. This is why I realise that I need to push myself to go out every evening if I can for that bikeride as it is the one thing we do together in that day that we really enjoy. So it is funny that despite all this evidence, I would still be able to come up with 'doubt' and 'second guessing' as to whether I really want to go for a bikeride on a given day - why not just embrace the LEAP wand WALK the point unconditionally, giving of myself to myself and the other. That would make it even more enjoyable and strengthening of myself and my ability to move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like to get attention within being 'reluctant' and 'needing proof' that a bikeride would be good for us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I cannot make a simple decision without going through doubt and getting attention first. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play a game within pretending that I am reluctant to go outside when in reality I am not reluctant at all and I can clearly see that this would be best for both of us. 

I commit myself to when and as I see myself playing a game with myself and another, I stop and breathe - and look at what it is that I in self-honesty want in this moment without beating around the bush.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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