Day 385 - A place to call Alone

As I prepare to post my blog I find these few sentences stored as a Draft on my blog, which are actually quite appropriate to share first:

I am in the process of moving. I kind of had a feeling that I would be moving but not in these circumstances. Hence it was very unexpected.  

What I found interesting is that once the decision was made to move, suddenly all the points that had seemed to be unsurmountable walls now became problems that we could handle. 

Also interesting how moving challenges me as I am very much a routine person and in my design I am very much 'resisting' the point of self-responsibility when everything is in flux. As if it is legitimate to be irresponsible when things are moving fast and in unexpected ways. 

Today's blog:

Recently we moved and left the city. The decision to move had been made in a very short time frame and we found a new place rather quickly. What I found interesting within this experience, is that I was able to simply 'leave' the place I had called my 'home' and move into a new one. I found this rather amazing. When I was living in the former place it felt as if the 'home' had so much substance and that it had become an integral part of me. But here I was simply walking away from it, cleaning it up and moving elsewhere. This made me realise that a 'home' is not something I should take for granted and that there is no such thing as the ONE home. In fact there are many different possibilities for a home. 

In and through the decision to move I had to embrace 'change' and for me the 'home' experience was related to things 'not changing' and remaining 'the same'. In this way the need for me to experience a 'home' can then also become compromising because for me to experience a 'home' I need to control my environment and make sure things don't change too much. When 'home' is defined in this way, we become scared of change and we will actually seek to avoid change.  'Home' then becomes something 'evil' because we use it to stop growing and expanding.

It was important for me to realise that I can make the decision to change home and execute that decision - because even though it is a lot of effort, it is technically possible. There are many things in this life that we do not consider because of the perception that they will take too much effort, but they are possible. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 384 - Living inside the Tip of the Iceberg

Here I would like to share some of the experiences I went through in the first few years of my process, after I had made my first visit to the farm. As I am suggesting in the title of this blog, I was living inside the Tip of an Iceberg. Before I went to the farm, I had a vision of myself as a person, and an idea about how I was walking my process. 

Little did I know of what was going to be unleashed in my life, by and through none other than... myself. The things that I faced and experienced were all a direct result of actions taken by me. That made it easier to reflect on my 'self-responsibility' and it did indeed prove that I am responsible for myself and my life. 

I remember the general anxiety and fear that existed in the back of me as a deep but very present sound, boiling deep within me. I had faced a few things before I made my first trip to the farm, I walked through some inner storms and turmoil. But still, that was nothing compared to what was to come. At the farm, Bernard made it clear on a few occasions that there was a 'madness' existing within me and that this is what I feared the most... 

I realised that there is not going to be any special treatments and I am going to face what I need to face. There is going to be no escape. And so I walked into my many rabbitholes, losing the plot, losing touch, no longer knowing what was up or down. How could this be? What did I do wrong? Why did I deserve this? The simple fact is that it was part of my design and I was simply facing my design. 

Bernard, and many others, supported me in understanding my responsibility - and that is all they could do. It was my responsibility to stand up and walk my process from the bottom. When things were still not working out and I had dugg a hole for myself, Bernard invited me back to the farm and gave me a second chance at creating a life for myself. This time I picked myself up and created a turn in my life. It took time, but the foundations were laid in my conversations with Bernard in South Africa. 

Had it not been for the support I received from the farm, Bernard, and everyone involved, including my parents, I would not have been able to face and walk through those darkest parts of myself in the way that I did. When I had walked out of it all, I had a 'purpose' and a 'life ambition'. Imagine, the key to changing the universe actually started with me giving myself the opportunity to live a real life. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 383 - Writing as a habit that Supports Me

An interesting thing occured when I made the decision to 'write everyday' in my daily diarybook. In the past I would have felt like such a commitment is not realistic and hence it would be like setting myself up for failure. 

I would say that the commitment to write daily in my daily diary did not come as a thought in my head but more as a realisation of what I am ready to give to myself. Hence the decision was made in an instant. 

The clarity of the decision was given within what I saw would help and asist others. On the open forum I had often suggested that 'this is something that will support you'. And in many ways, also through listening to EQAFE interviews it had become clear and apparent that 'writing daily' was really a key in developing a relationship of self-introspection with self. 

So what was 'new' so to speak when I made my decision to write daily in my dialy diary was the realisation that I do not need to write 'a lot' every day - in fact initially I was more looking at placing key words and bullet points per evening, as something that would support me with 'slowing down' at least one moment per day, and actually look at myself and who I am, looking at 'who I was today'. 

This is then how I saw that my commitment was realistic and that is how I started. I have since walked my daily diary writing every day and I am currently at 'Day 395'. There was a moment where I was faced with hesitation because after a few weeks the thought came up that I would not be able to work on a DIP assignment AND have enough time to write in my Daily diary in one day. So, I then made an agreement with myself that it is not about the 'writing in the daily diary' per say, but about the daily introspection through writing. Hence, if I have worked on a DIP assignment on a given day, then I can simply make a note in my daily diary for that day that I worked on my DIP an that is then my writing for the day. 

This allowed me to continue my daily commitment, even though later on even if I had worked on a DIP assignment, I would eventually still write in the diary in the evening, simply because I have made a habit out of it and because it supports me to do so before going to bed every day. This has assisted me with developing a deeper intimacy with myself and making sure that I look at those parts of myself that I am not satisfied with and looking at how I can change myself in them in a practical way.  

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 382 - Gollum and the Ring

A statement that came up within me yesterday while we were discussing the Symbolism in the Lord of the Rings, was: "You are not worthy of my gold." And I wrote down that statement. 

Within this, was contained the attitude of Gollum towards his Ring made from gold, which he would cherish in secret and share with no-one. The statement I wrote down reflected how I could myself relate towards Gollum and his Ring, where the Ring represents a part of me where I 'let no-one in', I keep it to myself and I use fierce anger to push those away who try to come near.

Later, when doing my writing in my bed, I continued: "You are not worthy of my gold. You are not allowed to see it, you are not allowed to touch it, you are not allowed to hold it."

I could see how this patterns plays out in my intimate relationships and also with people in general when I start to 'detect' that they actually like me and want to be vulnerable with and towards me: this is where I suddenly 'flip' and give signals that I am not trustworthy and they need to keep their distance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use non-trustworthyness and betrayal as mechanisms to keep people at bay and not wanting them to come close, in fear that they would actualy develop a relationship with me in which I can be open and vulnerable - because then I have no more excuse to simply be open and vulnerable.

A word of support that came up for me to walk this point of Vulnerability, is the word Surrender. In the past I could never give much use to this word, as it seemed to imply some form of giving up one's power and/or abdicating responsibility and/or going along with something over which I have no control. Yet, here it seemed appropriate and fitting. Because with Surrender I do in effect let go of control which is also a letting go of Fear.

I ended my writing last night with: "Surrender - I remain. I as all as one as equal."

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 381 - On the Fear of Apologising

One evening I had decided to stay a little longer at the office so that I could finish something, but as I had made this decision, I was also allowing myself to get distracted by what was happening on the workfloor around me.

One college then picked up on me being 'interested' and came standing in front of my desk with her arms up in the air, to tell me her part of the story. At this point I felt 'trapped' and I 'snapped' at the college, saying that 'I'm not interested'.

These words had a profound impact on my college and she felt deeply humiliated and angry. Within myself I kept telling myself that I was justified in my stance and that I had done 'nothing wrong'. But the following day I could clearly see that my college was still very much upset about what happened and I could feel that something had been 'destroyed'.

That's when it first occured to me that I should go and apologise to her. Notwithstanding this realisation, I continued to try and argue with myself that 'I am not to blame' and 'what if I go and apologise and then she will think that she was right and I was wrong????!!!' Basicaly I perceived that I had something to lose by going to apologise. However, it became clear rather quickly that I could no longer postpone this point and so when the moment was right I walked up to her and whent to sit next to her. I placed my hand gently on her shoulder and I said that I realised that I should not have spoken to her in that manner and that I was sorry.

I could see that she was very relieved by me saying this and that she was then able to drop all the build up anger that she had been carrying around. She said it was very good of me to come and tell her this and I promised that I will not speak like that again.

What is interesting for me in this event is that I was trying to 'place the responsibility' with the other person, claiming that they are responsible for their own emotional reactions. While this is so from an absolute perspective, the fact remained that I had actually created this turmoil in the person because I had spoken words in inconsideration. That made me equally responsible.

Additionaly, within writing this blog it became clear to me that she only had mirrored my own willingness to be distracted and not actually focus on my work and hence my so-called decision to stay longer at the office had not really been clear from the start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have snapped at my college 'because of the way she made me feel' which was 'trapped' because I had already trapped myself due to my dishonesty of claiming I had to stay longer at the office, but in reality I wanted to go home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at the time have placed money above my ability to support myself by giving time to myself as the responsibility I have to myself and to life as all as one as equal.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 380 - Why I clap my Hands in Belgium #Corona2020

In Belgium, every evening at 20:00 PM, people all over Belgium open the window of their houses and their appartments and start clapping their hands. Every evening, when I start to hear the first sounds of clapping at 19:59 PM, I wonder whether today I will join the clapping, and so far I have joined every evening that I could. I stop what I am doing and I go stand on my balcony and I start clapping my hands loudly, along with all the other people in the neighborhood.

It started as a movement of solidarity with the 'nurses' and the personel in the hospitals and generally with all the 'workers' who are keeping up the economy and to 'recognize' what they do and stand as - when most people are required to stay home by the government.

While there exist many different 'opinions' regarding the question if the measures imposed by our goverment are the best possible measures, I do not stand on my balcony and clap my hands because I believe our government is infallible. I decided within myself that clapping my hands is an act of respect and and a statement of our communion as human beings ´- that every day we recognize that despite being in our houses most of the time we are not 'alone'. Within this I also state that I am willing to place my trust in a group and that we have now made a decision to stand together in this and we will walk as a group and there is no way back.

It is also a nice way of 'getting out of our minds' and connect 'physically' with everyone through something that is equally available to all: clapping your hands. You literally move out of your 'individuality' and walk into a group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my individuality if and when I join the clapping - instead of realising that if I can lose my individuality to easily, then my individuality is simply not real.

I realise and understand that despite joining and being part of a larger group I remain 'reponsible' for me, for my expression, for my participation, in every moment of breath.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 379 - Forget about the Reasons Why

Forget about the 'reasons why' we are in confinement for a moment and simply take it 'as is': many of us are spending the majority of their time at home and the world seems to be 'standing still'. This 'standing still' of the world can be seen as a moment of 'pauze', as a moment between an in-breath, and an out-breath.

Many of us are actually 'calming down' through the experience of being able to be home more often. Those of us who are in such an experience, can start to see a 'potential' for themselves, for others, for 'society', for 'life' - that is not so easily noticed when the world is operating in a 'rush'.

This 'pauze' that we are experiencing should therefore be carried within ourselves and even after the measures slowly dissolve. We are getting a glimpse of what is possible as an existence on earth. One where nature also gets to breathe and stretch her leggs. It is interesting how much panic has been created in regards to the virus, when the impact of the human species on nature and on the animal kingdom on a daily basis, is much more profound.

The virus is perhaps here to remind us that we are not the 'Masters' of this world, but that we are simply one among the billions of other HOSTS as plants and animal species in and of this world, nothing more and nothing less.

(to be continued...)

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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