Within this, was contained the attitude of Gollum towards his Ring made from gold, which he would cherish in secret and share with no-one. The statement I wrote down reflected how I could myself relate towards Gollum and his Ring, where the Ring represents a part of me where I 'let no-one in', I keep it to myself and I use fierce anger to push those away who try to come near.
Later, when doing my writing in my bed, I continued: "You are not worthy of my gold. You are not allowed to see it, you are not allowed to touch it, you are not allowed to hold it."
I could see how this patterns plays out in my intimate relationships and also with people in general when I start to 'detect' that they actually like me and want to be vulnerable with and towards me: this is where I suddenly 'flip' and give signals that I am not trustworthy and they need to keep their distance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use non-trustworthyness and betrayal as mechanisms to keep people at bay and not wanting them to come close, in fear that they would actualy develop a relationship with me in which I can be open and vulnerable - because then I have no more excuse to simply be open and vulnerable.
A word of support that came up for me to walk this point of Vulnerability, is the word Surrender. In the past I could never give much use to this word, as it seemed to imply some form of giving up one's power and/or abdicating responsibility and/or going along with something over which I have no control. Yet, here it seemed appropriate and fitting. Because with Surrender I do in effect let go of control which is also a letting go of Fear.
I ended my writing last night with: "Surrender - I remain. I as all as one as equal."
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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org
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