Day 376 - New Year's Hesitations 2020

Yesterday we went dancing for New Year's Eve. We had a good time, but in order for us to get to the decision of what we wanted to do - it was a painful process.

A week or so ago I had committed to finding us a venue where we can go and dance on NYE. The problem was that after having made that statement, I did not do one single thing that would contribute to this outcome.

When I looked at this point this morning, I could see that there had been no clear commitment on my part to actually make it happen, to make it work. When it came down to it, I didn't care. Now I could tell myself that I am not a kind person for whom this celebration is very important, but that is all besides the point because the reality is that I had said that I would 'find something' - and in the moment of doing so I also actually wanted for us to go dancing as well.

In other words I 'wanted something' but I did not want to take 'responsibility for it'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want something but not have the courage to take responsibility for it - to own up to it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty if I were to spend time on finding a place to dance on NYE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse the responsibility for organising our evening, because 'what if I fail' - 'what if my partner does not like it'.

And so it happened that yesterday, realising that I had to take responsibility, I simply took a deep breath and said: Let's go to T&T to dance. This is something I had come across on the internet but that I had remained undecided about because I thought it was expensive. Yet, within suggesting this option for us - I was clear within myself that this was a good idea. In other words, I was perfectly able to direct this point, but I simply had postponed the point of taking responsibility. When I took my breath and I looked within myself, I asked myself what would I like myself - what is it that I am willing to do tonight? Only after I embraced the full responsibility, and with that the possibility that my partner would not like what I would recommend, did I have access to clarity.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 375 - No Ready Perspective

It has often happened that my partner would come to me with a problem that she is facing and she would ask me for perspective. In the past I would often 'freeze' inside because I did not see myself as capable to offer an informed perspective that would actually support her. I thought I did not have enough experience in regards to what she was facing. But what I realised is that I cannot hide behind this excuse. I am responsible and I have the ability to speak. Often times what was required was not that I have 'the answer' in an absolute sense or even a 'ready perspective' - but simply that I stand with my partner in looking at the point she is facing. Because then whatever I say will set something 'in motion' that will assist my partner in shifting her perspective and then a further perspective can come either from herself or from me.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 374 - You need to work faster

I had a dream where I am sitting with a college and he is telling me: you need to move/work faster.

After I woke up, I looked at this statement and my experience within it - and at first I was looking at justifying that this is 'only based on fears' and purely coming from my own mind, but in hinsight I see there is more to this.

I realise that the way this is being said to me is like a point of 'no choice' and it was made clear that this has to happen 'no matter what'. Within myself I perceive that I somehow still have a 'choice' : in the moment of saying yes I will do it, in terms of actually comitting to it - I hold back.

In terms of referencing my dream back to reality: One could say that the pace at which I move myself is 'acceptable' but in reality I know that I can do better: in other words there are many moments where I see that I could be moving myself much more effectively.

I commit myself to break down into details what it would mean for me practically to work/move faster.

I commit myself to find and map out all the little points and moments where I sabotage my own self-movement - by distracting myself and being diverted - breaking my own flow.

I commit myself to removing all the hurdles and limitations that would prevent me from working in a way where I honor myself by being effective and diligent in my work.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 373 - Rectifying Consequence through Communication

A while ago I rented a car in the capital, and afterwards experienced an issue with the car rental company, because they charged me for a full tank of fuel - as if I had brought the car back empty.

In reality I had filled up the fueltank right before returning the car, however at the gas station I was unable to fill up the tank to the maximum level so that 1 liter of fuel was missing. This was because the fuel pump simply blocked me from continuing the fill up the tank, as if my tank was completely ful already. Except that it was not 100% full as it was missing 1 liter.

When I returned the car to the local car rental desk, I did not see or find the person on the parking lot  with whom I was supposed to check the car and make sure all was in order. I then went upstairs to the administration desk and returned the key with the necessary explanations in regards to the fuel problem. The person said they would do their best to pass on the information but he was clearly overworked.

It was therefore no real surprise when my credit card was charged for the full fuel tank a few weeks later. At this point I said to myself that I will write an email to the central adminsitration of the car rental company, to 'complain' about why and how my credit card was charged. It took me quite a while between the moment that I realised that this is what I must do, and the day that I actually decided to write and send the email. Initially I had even thought: ah, it is just 25 EUR, and I have no proof to stand on - will it even make a difference? It is simply bureaucracy...

However there was also a point in me where I felt that I should speak up in regards to the matter, which is why I finally sent them an email. In this email I simply explained what happened from my perspective and how it happened, adding no proof for my statement except for telling my story in detail so as to offer the entire context. (I did of course give them the reference of my rental and the number on the bill I received)

In this email I did not blame the company about bad service and I did not use any emotion such as anger. I ended my email with asking them to reimburse me the 25 EUR they charged minus the real cost of 1 liter of fuel. After I had sent my email I did not expect an actual treatment of my case or an investigation of any kind. In a way this email I sent it for myself, to show to myself that I do not need to accept abuse in the form of blind mistakes.

But, to my surprise they actually did answer and reimbursed me the entire amount. At this point I realised that in the past I had often given up on what I call 'small things' bacause of not wanting to make 'a big deal' out of it - yet now I saw that this behaviour was also a form of subtly accepting and allowing inferiority and giving up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept a certain outcome simply because of the belief that others have to do something for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am not worth it to communicate in regards to a mistake that was made and that should be rectified.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow mistakes in others that compromise me instead of simply showing the mistake and the consequence and the compromise.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 372 - When an inner Clue opens up

Today, after having come home from work and having eaten, I say at my desk and looked at what it is I was going to do next. Initially I was more considering to 'watch a movie' because within myself I felt that I had spent a lot of time working in the last few days and that I needed something else. I also felt quite tired so I did not see myself studying this evening. Then what happened is that in a flash moment an experience opened up in me - where I was looking at finally opening the box with the miniature car I had bought and making a start with assembling it.

This box had been lying on my shelf for a few months now, because I had indeed been very busy on many fronts and I always thought that now is not the right time and in general I perceived that it would take too much time.

However, within me having this flash-moment experience of seeing myself working on the model car, was also the implied understanding that this evening I actually had a moment of spare time to actually start with assembling the car.

Interestingly I initially resisted this clue I was giving myself. I told myself that it would be much easier and straight-forward if I just put on a movie and watch a movie for the rest of the evening. This was interesting. I looked at the experience within myself in regards to the consideration I had given to assembling the model car. When I looked as this experience, I saw that it did not manifest as a 'desire' or an 'urge' or a 'need' - but as a simple 'liking'. Within myself I was also judging this experience as something that would be 'more work' - instead of 'enjoyment' and 'relaxation'. However, I decided to discard the pretense that a film would be more fun than to start assembling the model car. I decided to go with my inner clue - even though it seemed like it would be 'work'.

As soon as I had set myself up with the materials which I needed to get started with the model car I realised that this was the better decision and that I was really enjoying myself - there is something in the small detailed parts that triggers my interest and curiosity and where I am in contact with a different part of myself. I realised that I do not connect with myself on this level when I simply watch a movie. And yes, it did require some attention and focus in order to get the first parts glued - but there was no pressure in terms of how much I should be doing today, so I stopped after having completed some of the main parts of the engin, after 25 minutes or so and I was starting to feel tired.

What I learned from this is that what 'supports me most' in a moment is not necessarily going to be the thing that is the easiest in a given cicumstance, but that within myself I am able to challenge myself slightly to move out of a perceived comfort zone and get creative. This is how I am exploring parts of myself that I would have in the past dismissed. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 371 - Surviving in Outer Space

It is interesting that we find thrill within stories that project hopeless situations with struggle for survival and a race against time. But what about the hundred thousands who cross the seas on boats in hope for a chance at survival, knowing full well they might die at sea - and they do it anyway and thousands drown every year. But we complain about immigration instead, and go to the movies to watch a story about surviving in outer space.

Day 370 - Buying New Pants

After I had gained 10 kilo's in the course of the year, I started to worry about my weight. This 'problem' became also a practical problem because I could no longer fit my pants. I desperately started to do sports such as biking and running, but my weight remained pretty stable. I would go to work with a button of my pants open and long shirts so that no one would notice that I cannot close my pants anymore.

At this point I realised that I was abusing myself and my body and that I had to buy new pants, simply because I actually had the means to do so. Therefore I bought a set of new pants that would fit me comfortably and with which I could go to work. Within buying those pants, I also accepted that this is now my weight and I stopped being 'in conflict' with it.

After a few months another point opened up where I realised that I had developed a habit of overeating in the mornings. So, this is now a point that I am re-adjusting. It seems to me that this type of realisations and insight can only open up after I have made the step to embrace my body first, because as long as I am in fear I am also in denial of myself and my reality.

Another good blog that inspired me with perspective on this point is: https://parentingforlife.net/my-new-body/

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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