Day 405 - Quo Vadis?

Quo Vadis?

Dear covid, I sense you are here with me. A metallic taste in my mouth, is that your signature? A strange flu hat seems to last for weeks…

You ask me where am I going? For a moment, I have no answer, I have no garantee. I have only my hands, my eyes, my inner…. Waiting…. For myself?

Ah, are you the One who visits those who wait for themselves?

You do assist me, Oh great Master. You slow me down and break all mirrors. A moment of aloneness is all it takes – as all as one as equal.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online writing and self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Easy Rider (1969) Movie Review

I had seen Easy Rider about 20 years ago for the first time. I remember being impressed with the film and recently for some reason I wanted to watch the film again.

What I mostly remembered from last time was the tragic ending and the shots of the landscapes and the motorcycles. The story is about 2 men, Wyatt and Billy, riding their motorcycle and living a lifestyle of cruising around the Southern part of the United States. What struck me this time was that the story begins with the men successfully closing a big drugs deal. I had completely forgotten that part. They purchase a large quantity of cocaine in Latin America and then resell that at a much higher price to a buyer in the States. Within successfully striking this deal they have apparently won their freedom because now they have enough money to live their cruising lifestyle for many years to come.

I thought this was an interesting twist at the beginning of the film, because in a way the movie is all about having the courage to be free and live a lifestyle that is substantially different from the norms of society, but in reality there is no actual solution offered in regards to ‘how’ to be free, because indeed the main problem is that one need income in order to live. Hence, one way to look at the beginning of the film is that they successfully bought their freedom, but another way to look at it is that they actually sold their integrity and did not actually create a real point of freedom that one can learn from. 

I did enjoy the spirit of the film I must say and the sense of adventure of just cruising and Wyatt and Billy just going where they feel like and enjoying their bikes. There is an actual point of openness and peacefulness within the film. It is basically approaching life as an experiment, which is what it should be and not something that is set in stone through laws, traditions and customs.

So, the question then remains – how to be an Easy Rider? Do you have to close a drugs deal or win the lottery? Because, despite all the creativity underpinning this film, the answer to that question was not very creative. I would say, based on my personal experience, that being an Easy Rider is based not on having won some kind of lottery, but on who you are as a person. And here an ‘Easy Rider’ is not to be taken literally as is depicted in the film, but in a metaphorical sense. Because one ingredient that made the film very compelling is Wyatt’s attitude towards life. Had he not been as ‘calm’, ‘relaxed’, ‘grounded’, ‘open’ and ‘caring’ throughout the story, then the film would not have been such a success.  In a way he was like a Siddhartha on a motorcycle.

So back to the question how to practically be an Easy Rider in this world? I would say that one Key is to walk with a certain ‘detachment’ in this world. It does not matter then whether you have a motorcycle or not, or whether you have a lot of money or not, or even on what kind of job you have. To walk with a certain ‘detachment’ would mean that you have a rather ‘practical’ relationship with the things in your world without being ‘consumed’ by the things that you require to be able to operate and function. Most people will require a job or have to be self-employed in order to have any form of stability in their lives, hence being ‘detached’ within that would mean that you express yourself within your job in a manner that honours your best potential, but nonetheless you would not allow your job to define ‘who you are’. You have a practical relationship with it. You can then also have a practical relationship with money. You know that you need it, but you don’t have to be consumed by it.

But wasn’t Easy Rider also about being adventurous and bold in life? Yes, I would say so. I personally have started experiencing adventurousness and boldness when I started traveling in recent years. In the past I thought traveling to be an unnecessary ‘luxury’. And with ‘traveling’ here I mean really going somewhere for the sake of exploring a new place and experiencing things that I have not seen or experienced before. What I like about this kind of traveling is that my relationship with people changes – they are not ‘there’ as part of the wallpaper, but actual people I can interact with, hang out with and learn from. I would say that my relationship with people in general has changed. I used to be very rigid and keeping people at bay, whereas now I more easily let someone into my world and my reality. For me that is being adventurous, because in moments I have to trust myself that it is ok to place my trust in this or that person for a moment. I am sure there are many other ways of living the word ‘adventurousness’ – if you feel like sharing your own examples why not leave a comment?

Thank you for reading. 

Day 404 - On Brainwashing, War and Propaganda

When looking at the organisation of our societies, it is rather astonishing that a political minority has the ability and the power to decide that a country should go to war. Most citizens do not necessarily see the added value or even the gain within engaging in a war, yet the decision is able to be made anyway. How is this possible?

Should the leadership of a country not aspire to do what is best for the country and for its citizens? One could say: ah, but the citizens fear the leadership, they fear the government and hence they keep quiet within fear of survival.

How is it then, that the governments of our world obtained so much power that the will of the people has in many cases become irrelevant? Look at the U.S:A, look at China, look at Russia – but also look at the European Union, where structures of power have been created that are operating outside of the realm of public debate.

I would say that the novel “1984” by George Orwell is a relevant book to read, because it explains how in the future (our present time) the minds of men would be controlled through the control of information.

I have noticed how in recent years the emphasis on ‘survival’ has become stronger in the world again. Survival seems to give the perfect pretext for everyone to become passive and just let everything unfold in the world as if it happens entirely outside of our will or power. But I say that the governments only have the power to command armies and go to war, because we have abdicated our own directive will and power within this world. If I accept myself to be ‘powerless’ in my life and in the world – I will most likely accept whatever comes my way and I will simply try to ‘survive’. And this is what the world is currently doing. Just trying to ‘survive’. That is so sad…

The problem is that the average person cannot conceive of ‘solutions’ other than ‘I have to go protest in the street’ or ‘I have to go risk my life to sabotage my government’. This is because our entertainment industry has taught us to see the world in a completely polarised way of good versus evil. What if the solution is not to try and be a hero, but instead to start a process of self-introspection and actually address your own brainwashing at the source? Because one thing is clear: we are accepting the world as it currently is because of our own accepted beliefs about ourselves, about human nature and life in general. Who is to blame for this conditioning? Our schools? The media? Our parents? Our great-grand parents? Or their forefathers?

It should be clear that the only solution is to take responsibility for ourselves and for this world as if it was our own creation. This implies that we are responsible for our own conditioning and even our brainwashing. Armies are able to march into war because of: brainwashing. Citizens are able to accept the government narratives of what is really going on in this world, because of: brainwashing. We accept that mass poverty must exist amidst an abundance of resources in this world because of: brainwashing.

At Desteni we say that one’s brainwashing can actually be addressed. In other words: it is possible to walk back through your life and take responsibility for every single moment of ‘diminishment’ that you have accepted within yourself. The way to do this is through a process of self-forgiveness.

Here are some examples:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am separate from this world and that as an individual in this world ‘I am powerless’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed by what is happening in this world and in the lives of others – hence I try to pretend it simply does not exist because maybe then it will go away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that politicians and governments are to blame for what is happening in this world – instead of realising that politicians only have power by virtue of the accepted belief that citizens are ignorant and greedy and need to be governed and controlled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and hide within conformity and survival – because then maybe I am no longer responsible?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at the world as something separate from me instead of realising that what is happening in the world outside of me is reflective of what is happening in my inner world of thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself with fear and survival regarding the state of the world – instead of addressing who I am within my thoughts, words and deeds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have abdicated responsibility from myself and who I have become in this world – by placing blame and responsibility within institutions and people outside of me.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online writing and self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Buzz Lightyear (2022): Movie Review

We went to see the Buzz Lightyear movie yesterday and I actually liked it quite a bit. I thought the story was developing in a non-predictable manner and the problems and challenges being faced by the protagonists were quite interesting and unexpected. For me the theme that stood out was the theme of ‘Failure’ and ‘shame within making mistakes’.

These are topics that are close to my heart because I have walked such points in my life many times and I know how tough it can be to stand up from making mistakes, sometimes even with really detrimental outcomes, and to then stand up from that and continue finding a reason and purpose to live. I mean that is what some people are actually facing in reality – not only ‘challenges’ as it is being called, but mistakes and outcomes that make you question your very existence.

I found that when I had arrived in such a point in my life, the only way to move foward was to drop all expectations about myself and my life and to communicate with the people in my life. Start including everyone in my life and reality and see where I can be of support, and most importantly: where it is that I need assistance and support. That is how you create yourself anew.

It is as though Buzz Lightyear cannot forgive himself. He has to be ‘the one’ that is going to ‘save everyone’ to fix the situation. Except that the more he tries to ‘save everyone’ the more it leads to more consequences. What comes through is that his unwillingmess to forgive himself and his stubbornness to be a saviour actually reveals a superiority belief – where ‘only he’ is able to succeed alone by himself. Except that ‘alone’ he appears to be going nowhere…

In an interesting scene where he and his companions are stuck together in a time-sensitive trap, he still approaches the situation from the vantage point of having to save everyone. At this point someone in his team actually says that they don’t need him to save them, they need him to work together with them. And indeed, by being humble to the reality of the situation and realising that he needs to give up his specialness and simply work together, he and his companions form a team that is one unit of combined strengths which succeeds to break out of the trap.

I thought that was really interesting: because I have often also found that when working in a team, I have to stop myself from making assumptions and actually need to slow down and communicate with everyone before I can act – and when I do eventually act my actions actually represent the team-effort and not simply my individual will.

This is the lesson of Buzz Lightyear: a process from superiority to humility and actual real care for his fellow companions as equals. Perhaps that is also the way forward for humanity and all of us who feel we have ‘failed’ and made ‘unrepairable mistakes’: don’t take yourself so seriously and include others into your life.

Day 402 - Communication and Agreement

I recently finished my last bachelor exam and as I was walking back to the train station, I wanted to buy a waffle. Arriving at the kiosk, I decided against the waffle and went for a hot chocolate instead. 

When I stood on the platform, waiting for my train, I had the impression that my hot chololate did not have any taste at all. It was as if I was drinking a cup of hot water. I got annoyed and I felt cheated, because the drink was not cheap. For that price I should get an actual hot chocolate, and not 'hot water'... 

Although my first thought was to go back and talk to the Kiosk lady, I started to dismiss the idea, telling myself that it will take too long (my train would arrive in 10 minutes) and also I did not want to be "one of those people that complain". When I stopped myself from participating in these thoughts, I realised that there was still enough time before the train would arrive and that consquently I had no excuse to not at least try. 

I left the platform climbing the stairs and walked back to the kiosk. Again I had a thought of discouragement when I saw the amount of people standing in line at the kiosk. I proceeded anyway, and in doing so it appeared that only one person was actually standing in line, while the rest stood there waiting for someone else. 

When I got to speak to the kiosk lady, I made sure that I was calm and friendly. I said that I was sorry but that when I drank from the hot chocolate it simply tasted like hot water. She was like: "Oh really? Well let me make you another one then!" She made a new one from the machine, but I said to her that it still had no taste... After some back and forth communication, and her making sure that her machine was working properly, she decided to manually add extra cacao powder to the hot milk (yes, it was actual milk, not water) and this time it did taste like hot chocolate. 

I was happy that she went through the effort to fix the drink. For some reason had I expected that she would be stingy about the whole issue and that the conversation would be not so pleasant at all - but this proved to be entirely unfounded. She was very mature about the whole thing and vey accomodating. 

Afterwads I was happy that I had made the step to communicate, instead of simply accepting the experience of feeling 'cheated'. This way I gave both myself and the lady the opportunity to give the best of ourselves, instead of blocking myself with assumptions and ending up being frustrated and resentful. 

It came down to it that the machine was not distributing sufficient cacao into the drink - and it was the first time someone actually said something about it to her. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online writing and self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 401 - My Journey into Spain - Fourth Chapter

I see it as worthwhile to continue and finish my series on this trip to Spain, because I have not even gotten to some of the coolest points that I faced and realised while on my trip.

(Please read my previous three posts for perspective and chronology of events.)

That morning I arrived fairly early at the parking lot to Platja Fonda (which is a small beach not too far from Girona). At first it seemed like it would be impossible to get in, because there was only one parking lot and the impression I had was that the cars were moving at a very slow pace and barely managing to receive a parking spot. In fact, the parking lot was being managed by one man alone and he was making sure that every single car would take a spot on the terrain exactly according to his directions, because this would allow for a maximum amount of cars to receive a spot, while also still being able to drive out. Now looking back at it, I can see how such a parking terrain could otherwise easily turn into a chaos with cars being stuck and unable to leave! So, the manager completed his daily Tetris and did a great job and I was rewarded for my patience with a parking spot. 

I changed inside the car because I had no idea what the beach would be like (I think I was wearing my swimmshorts underneath my normal shorts), and then I walked a few small streets down to a staircase that led downward to the beach. To simply walk down those stairs was already an experience in and of itself. The view over the beach was quite stunning. The area was failry small and I estimate that with 200 people the beach would have been completely full. 

After I had found myself a spot to lay down my towel, came the interesting part. I had a car key with me and my wallet, which I could not take with me in the water. Back in Barcelona I had faced a similar issue when I visited the outdoor pool (Piscina Municipal de Montjuïc), because I had assumed that there would be lockers in the change rooms in the building but there weren't! Being alone I had to improvise on how to deal with leaving my belongings by the pool while I would take a swim. My solution was to choose a spot in the plain midday sun (which was extremely hot) which is the spot that everyone at the pool was avoiding. By leaving my things there I was able to easily keep an eye on my stuff while swimming in the pool. It's not the best experience to have to keep an eye on one's stuff like that while swimming, but given the circumstances I was satisfied with my solution and it worked perfectly. 

Today at the Platja Fonda I could not apply the same logic, because the beach was too crowded, and so I looked around myself to see who I could possibly approach and speak to. I approached a woman with two or three daughters and asked her in Spanish if it was okay that I lay my towel next to theirs because I was alone at the beach and I have no one to watch my stuff while I go swimming. It then transpired that she didn't speak Spaninh very well because she was actually from France. That made it easier becasue I switched to French and explained my point in a way that was more comfortable and she agreed and said no problem. 

While I was swimming I was observing that there were children jumping from very high rocks into the water. Within witnessing the kids jumping off the rocks, I realised that this is somthing I fear doing - yet at the same time it seems fun. It occured to me that I could try this today as well, but then I dsimissed the thought because the moment did not feel right - meaning: I did not feel ready to actually now go and do it. (Sooner than I expected during this trip I would come accross another beach with kids jumping off high rocks). I allowed myself to let go from this point and simply enjoyed myself in the water. I found that it was particularly easy to simply 'float' in he water. I would make a big star shape with my arms and legs and I would just float with my face and toes facing the sun. For a moment I allowed myself to just be a leaf that floats on the small waves. I don't think that I have been able to float so effortlessly before, it was really easy. After an hour or two of alternating swimming and resting I decided to pack my stuff and head back for the car. I thanked the woman and said goodbye. (We did talk a bit but not a lot)

Now I don't remmeber if it was on the same day or the next, but I continued exploring the area by car and I visited a handful of historical villages. Visiting the villages kept me busy for half a day. During one of those visits, while I was walking on a downhill path along with a couple - I spoke to them and we got talking. They were Spanish and like me they were visitng the area. They gave me a few tips of other villages and sites to see and in the evening we bumped into each other again on one of those locations, which was extremely enjoyable. It takes so little sometimes to build a connection with someone. They got all excited and asked me if I saw those places they recommended and I said yes I did! If I had wanted I could have invited them to go have a drink somewhere, but my focus for now was on walking around and getting to see as much as I could. I ended our encounter with giving them a big thank you. 

At that point I was in a beach town close to Palafrugell (which is where the Spanish couple had sent me to, and it was indeed very beautifull). When I arrived at one of the small beaches by foot, the main attraction seemed to be high rocks (maybe 4 or 5 meters high) with children jumping and diving off them in the water. It seemed to me that turning down this opportunity now would be like shooting myself in the foot. I could have easily said to myself: but look how inconvenient, I don't even have someone to watch my wallet and keys and that's so uncomfortable! But instead I looked at the situation an reaslised that the moment was actually perfect and that if I did not do it now... then who am I fooling? I then walked back to the car to get my towel and came back with the intention of jumping of those rocks today, even though I did not yet know how I would go about it. As I was sitting on my towel in the sand (the beach was semi-crowded) I contemplated for a moment to burry my keys and wallet in the sand under my towel or something, but then I thought of that Australian film with Heath Ledger where he burried a bag full of money in the sand so that he could take a swim and when he came back the bag was gone, because someone had secretly watched him burry his stuff. So I decided to not make things unnecessarily complicated. 

I heard that there was a group of Dutch tourists laying on their towels not too far from me, they seemed like a bunch of friends, or two families maybe. I took a breath, collected my bravoure and went to speak to them. I asked them kindly if it was okay that I lay my stuff right next to them for a moment, for them to keep an eye on, because I am alone at the beach, while I dive off the rocks where the kids are. I said: "This is something I normally fear doing but today I want to try it." And they were all like: "No problem! Yeah, man go for it!!" 

The rocks were easily accessible but the actual jumping point was quite slippery and not so easy to stand on. In Belgium something like this would definately be prohibited for safety reasons lol. It must have been a funny sight to see me crawl to the jumping point, because I am quite tall and standing tall while walking on those wet and slippery rocks was really freaking me out. So I 'crawled' to the jumping point and only there did I stand up straight. I asked a boy who was standing next to me, 'where' it was best to jump and he pointed at an area in the water and basically said: as far as possible from the rocks. Off course the jump and dive in the water went all fine and I went for a second time!  

After that I had a short conversation with the Dutch guys. We talked about the differences between the Netherlands and Belgium and a little bit about politics and then I went off. It was an interesting experience for me to realise how I had been able to find the right people to speak to on that day, which had opened doors that otherwise would not have opened up for me. It was also interesting to realise that when the right communication is used, and you allow them to actually stand in your shoes, people are actually very understanding and supportive. This is a side of 'being alone' that I had not so often experienced before.   

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 400 - My Journey into Spain - Third Chapter

I was sitting in the car on a parking lot. I had reached the city of Girona. It was incredibly hot and being stressed I did not think of turning on the airco while I was looking at my phone. I had gone into a gloomy experience of myself, because based on my first impression of the outer area of the city, I had created the idea that the city was basically boring.

As I was allowing myself to sink further into this gloominess, I saw that my partner had sent me a text asking me where I was and what I was up to. In hindsight it was interesting to see how easily I was allowing myself to ‘give up’ and basically create an experience of myself where I felt ‘stuck’. I answered her that I was at the doorstep of Girona and that I was looking at what to do… She immediately wrote back saying that Girona is a beautiful city with lots to see and that I should stay there! The enthusiasm of her message made me realise that I was using flimsy perceptions to influence me in my self-direction. (she had already told me before that the city was worthwhile) I snapped out of my lethargy and started looking for hotels. Soon enough I found a nice hotel at a nice (last minute) discount price in the middle of the city with access to an underground parking nearby.

I was amazed at the fact that I was able to book a hotel right there in the car, simply by using the internet on my phone and a credit card. On top of that the hotel immediately wrote me in WhatsApp to give me some instructions and directions... It is only a year or so ago that I bought a smartphone that is really efficient enough to be used as a smartphone (My previous phone was 6 years old and not working anymore). This allows me to actually use all the ‘features’ and apps in a nice way – as a result of this I have started to use my phone much more. By hanging on to an old phone that was partially dysfunctional, it was as if I was refusing to use all the resources that were available to me in the world, simply because I was ‘judging’ how the world had changed as a result of the widespread use of smartphones. The truth is that without my new phone my journey into Spain would have been not so easy.  

The hotel in Girona (Condall Hotel) was very pleasant and it was actually one of my best hotel experiences ever, even despite there being no breakfast. The room was bright, neat and clean, with a nice street view. I immediately felt ‘at home’. I was happy and content with myself for being in the place where I was. Again, it is amazing to realise how we can let ourselves be influenced by a perception, a small point, which will then determine our total experience, like a veil we pull over our eyes.

The weather continued to be very warm and I walked to the tourist office in the city centre. I received a map and a rough outline of what I could expect to find in the city. The rest of the day I spent walking from one historical site to another. I was impressed by the amount and the beauty of the sites and in the evening I walked to a jazzcafè where a band would be playing. I arrived an hour late but the band hadn't started yet. Even though I was told that the place was 'full' and that I had no 'reservation' I did not allow that to discourage me. I said in Spanish that it didn't matter and that I would listen from behind the fence then! (they had build a little fence around the outdoor seating area) The lady at the entrance then proceeded to give me one of their foldable chairs anyways and I set myself down just next to the fence, being able to perfectly see the concert and enjoy the music. I had a great time.

Because Girona was fairly small (compared to Barcelona) I projected that I should also make some excursions by car left and right. By looking on the internet I found a small beach (Platja Fonda) that seemed fun to drive to and that’s exactly what I did the next day. I got up early enough to make sure I would find a parking spot and off I was…

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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