Day 345 - Between Illusion and Reality

In February of this year I was sick for 10 days. The dokter said I had a virus but he could not determine which one. It was certainly not bacteria as the blood tests came out clean. I was feeling physically weak, looking pale and I could not concentrate on anything for too long. Because my work is very demanding and a high-pressure environment I decided that I could not go to work and that I needed to get better. The dokter kept on prescribing me sick-leave notes all the while testing for different types of virusses. 

One day I was discussing the medical results with my partner and at one point she asked me: "Are you sure you are not just sabotaging yourself because you hate your work?" I looked at her question and said: "No, I am not sure."  

What followed was a discussion which led to the moment of realisation that: I had created this sickness experience with my mind... Allmost from one moment to the next, I was feeling much better and the next day I was already up and about being very active like usual. The physical experience of weakness and all the other symptoms were completely gone.  

I was very relieved, but there was still the question: If this is the case, how did I come to this point of wanting to avoid my work so much? This was a recent change as I had mostly enjoyed going to work and being active at work. 

What stood out was an overall accumulation of stress and what I experienced as 'pressure'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being and becoming 'pushed' at my work and feeling that I cannot do my work properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike not knowing what to do and having to ask others for support when they are already themselves drowning in work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be able to do everything 'alone' by 'myself' as that means that I am an 'expert'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not meet the expectations that everyone has within meeting certain deadlines and that this will result in screaming and anger.

I realise and accept that despite possible screaming and anger from another person I am still here and I still respect myself as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become bored with the work and the objectives and within that no longer pushing myself to excell. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my job more complicated than it needs to be by participating in future projections instead of remaining here in breath with the task(s) at hand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimise myself within perceiving that I cannot handle the stress effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the stress a 'fact' instead of seeing and realising that I am creating the stress through thinking and manifesting it as an energy in my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the 'anxiety' and the 'stress' instead of standing equal to it and working with it as a part of me and as a point to transcend.

I realise and understand that despite the fast-paced-ness of the environment I can remain in breath-awareness and direct myself in the best possible way to resolve the issues that come my way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I do not have enough time to tend to my most important responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this doom-scenario create an internal pressure based on fear and energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'give up' when I see myself as having to perform a series of tasks and immediatley thinking there will not be enough time - and from there create a state of panic within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create panic as a 'justification' to abdicate responsibility and not make sure that I can tend to my responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of feeling overwhelmed instead of realising and understanding that I am still able to organise myself despite the amount of information.

It is interesting. On the one hand I enjoy the responsibility and the idea that people count on me. On the other hand there is a self-sabotage character at work where I go into self-doubt and the fear that I will screw-up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the self-sabotage character based on memories of the past where I perceive that I 'screwed up' and where 'I was blamed' for my mistake.

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