Day 395 - Beyond the Walls / Au Delà des Murs

Normally I am not attracted to 'horror' stories and films. I usually find it quite 'creepy' and not so enjoyable - but today I somehow felt compelled to watch the beginning of a series called "Au Delà des Murs" (Beyond the Walls), which was advertised as a horror-series. 

A Lady inherits an old house and starts to experience psychedelic episodes at night when she walks into non existing rooms and corridors throughout the house and encounters a half human, half animal creature. 

The moment when this creature enters the screen, is supposed to be a scary moment - but I did not find it scary. I saw the creature and it was simply another being standing in the room - no big deal. Then it started to move towards her. Well, maybe it wants to communiacte with her so no big deal. Then, she started to get scared, and she started to run. This is when I realised the people create their own nightmares through their 'judgments' because what was happenening was not 'evil' or 'abusive' in any shape or form. It was simply 'unusual'. But then interestingly the story spins off into some dramatic 'chase' where she needs to run and hide from 'creatures'. 

But why all the 'drama'? Did she not by her own doing choose to ASSUME some kind of fucked up narrative of what was going on instead of actually being vulnerable and investigate what is going on? I have no problems with 'weird creatures', 'weird people' and 'weird events'. When something is seemingly scary or absurd to you - does that automatically mean that you are in danger and that you must 'run'? 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Zelfvergeving voor Beginners: Rap Rijden is Plezant

Rap rijden is plezant

Amaai mijn vrienden zijn onder den indruk

Ik ben hier precies den held

Nog een bekke rapper rijden

Dan zien ze hoeveel ik durf

We gaan hier bijkans de lucht in

 

Ineens kwam die vos uit het bos

Ik kon niet meer stoppen  

en hij lag onder mijn wielen

Toen was het stil in den auto

Da was nie expres

Ik weet nie waarom ik da gedaan heb

Diene vos...

 

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegelaten en geaccepteerd slim willen lijken voor mijn vrienden en opzettelijk domme dingen doen om te bewijzen dat ik durf

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegelaten en geaccepteerd stoer willen zijn en daarom opzettelijk domme dingen doen zonder na te denken en te beseffen dat ik niet alleen ben op de wereld.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegelaten en geaccepteerd verwachten dat de wereld voor mij genade kent, terwijl ik geen genade ken voor de wereld.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegelaten en geaccepteerd indruk willen maken op mijn vrienden en daarom mijn leven en dat van andere in gevaar brengen.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mezelf heb toegelaten en geaccepteerd geen respect hebben voor anderen en voor het leven van een ander.

Ik vergeef mijzelf dat ik mijzelf heb toegelaten en geaccepteerd in een moment bezeten te worden en alleen maar populair willen zijn en niet meer echt beseffen wat ik doe. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 393 - The Unspoken Law of the Jungle

If you look at the 'family-construct' as a social system, one would expect that it solves the problem of 'responsibility' and 'everyone being taken care of'. Because: ideally, every child is born within a family (of at least one parent) - and that is not even taking into account the amount of orphan children in this world. 

Then, because every child is ideally born within a family of at least one parent - there is an unspoken 'law of the jungle'  that every child is taken care of in this world, as the child stands under the protection and care of (at least) one adult. The 'family-construct' as a social system is then really presented as the basic foundation of society, without which children would be lost. Looking at the world superficially then, one would expect that most children in the world are taken care of as they are lodged within one or more 'family-constructs'. And, as was said, the unspoken law of the jungle dictates that since the child is in the care of a family, it is consequently 'taken care of'.

The unspoken law of the jungle does however not take into account the money-system and how it functions on a global scale. The underlying assumtion of the law of the jungle is that every family in the world will have the means to take care of a child appropriately. The only way to do that in today's world, is by having access to money. Without money, one cannot actually survive. Yet, more than half of all the human beings in todays world officially live under the poverty line. They do not have sufficient access to money and consequently they cannot actually give the care to the children that the children require. Hence roughly half the children in this world are in effect not adequately taken care of. 

Some years ago it was reported in South Africa that a pregnant woman had thrown herself off the stairs with the deliberate intent to permanently damage her unborn child, so as to later qualify for specific government support. This is the law of the jungle in full action, because it did not consider the global economic system. 

If we assume (law of the jungle) that children are to be taken care of within a family, then why would we restrict access to money for families? Why would we not want families to have guaranteed access to money so that they can adequately raise, support and take care of their children? When we resolve this contradiction, we will resolve the problem of poverty and then we will finally be able to say that families are the foundation of society, which currently they are not. 

Day 392 - A World where Growing Old is Embraced and Supported

This topic opened op when I was contemplating how some individuals do manage to grow quite old in this world. This struck me, because I somehow do not expect myself to get that old. And I wondered why? 

I then looked at the center point: which is that everyone fears ageing. But why do we fear it so much? Is it simply because we fear death? Maybe, but there seems to be quite a lot more to it. When I looked at it the answer was rather simple: it is that with ageing comes more insecurity. We basically do not expect that the world will be of much support when and as we grow old. That is quite rough.

As I write this I can sense a pain that is difficult to describe. 

In Europe a lot of this insecurity is tied in with the discourse being held by the governments: they already warn of the precarity of the future pensions. Make sure that somehow you have money to survive because if you do not... you need to provide for your own pension, your own plan B. This reminds me of the situation in Greece in 2014 (when the economy collapsed), when it was reported that an elderly man, when reading the amount of his montly pension allowance, walked down the river and hung himself from a tree. 

Where does 'change' begin? Does it begin on the streets? Does it begin in Parliament? Does it begin on Television? Does it begin in school? Where... what... how... 

It begins within self:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see ageing as something that is 'undesireable' and 'ugly'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that we locked down the economy to apparently protect the elderly, but the truth is we do not care about the elderly as we will not even guarantee their right to exist and live a meaningfull life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simpy 'accept' that this is how we treat elderly, which means that this is how we are willing to treat ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that our society punishes the elderly - which is the reflection of a society hating itself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself and consequently accept that it is ok that I should fear for my own survival as an elderly - as if that somehow is what I actually deserved all along: to die like a rat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have no understanding of what it means to care for myself as life and to care for another as life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prove myself unable to have a long term vision for humanity and for myself and for the existence of humanity in this world.

A World where Growing Old is Embraced and Supported. What would that look like? In the beginning was the Word. 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 391 - A Practical Approach to Making Decisions

In the early years of my process I often made the mistake of using my feelings to make a decision. I would try to listen to what my body says and I would interpret that experience with my mind. If right after I made a decision I would suddenly experience a negative feeling such as fear, I might get swayed and think that I made a wrong decision.

In recent years I have learned to make decisions more effectively. First of all I do not use feelings to guide me. First of all I ask myself what it is that I want and I also look at what is realistically possible. This might involve having to do research and doing some math. Sometimes the research will show that the thing I would like is not lucrative and I will then already have my answer. Other times the research will show that it is possible and then it is really up to me.

What I have learned is that sometimes a decision will be rather clear and easy to make – and sometimes it is not so clear and not so easy to make, despite all the research I did. I will off course also talk to people if I am really unclear as to what to do to get a form of external feedback. But in the end the decision will remain up to me. Here is a practical tool that I have found to be useful when making decisions: usually a decision is only really made by taking a certain action. For instance, you make your decision known to someone, or you click on a button to confirm a deal, or you post a message on a platform. 

I found that in this moment, I am able to completely slow myself down. I take a deep breath and I remain silent inside. Then, I place my awareness in my whole body and I ask myself if I am cool with this or not. If I am cool with this, then I act. If I am not cool with this, then that means that there is perhaps something that I have not yet considered. This 'being cool' with the decision then immediately translates into a physical movement: it almost happens sumultaneously: I know that I am cool with it and consequently I am doing it. I act my decision. Sometimes there will still be 'fear' in this phase, but it is like I will sit with myself and 'hold myself' and see if I am able to 'push' myself softly to walk into that descision and then there will arrive a point where suddenly I am 'ready' - an inner movement and then I act. 

This then also gives me a solid foundation to later on not ‘question‘ a decision I made. Because I know that I have made that decision in ful awareness and deliberateness. Therefore it was a specific decision and I know I can stand by it. In other words, I can trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in moments still allow 'external' feedback to guide me in my decisions – such as 'coincidences' and 'synchronicities'.

I realise and understand that coincidences and syncronicities might occur due to the nature of the system that we exist in but I cannot limit myself nor define myself according to a coincidence or synchronicity – which means I am still seeking 'the guiding hand of God', instead of me accepting and embracing my own expression and responsibility as life and what i am willing to stand by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for outward signals in moments when I am still in doubt, where I abdicate my authority to an external system to which I then become enslaved.

I realise and understand that I cannot fear my own descisions. I realise and understand that I cannot fear the consequences of my descisions. I realise and understand that I am the beginning and the end-point of my own descisions.

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 390 - On the nature of Assumptions

Today I write about this point that is very relevant to my process : assumptions and how I make assumptions within communication. When I wrote about this and I looked at the point at first glance it seemed like the assumption is made in an 'automatic' way and I then respond to the assumption - but that is not true. In reality I am already aware that I do not have all the facts but DESPITE that awareness I still decide to impose an assumption on the situation. In my case I will often assume a 'worst case' meaning onto what was said. Simply because I do not understand why someone said something - I will assume they had an underlying selfish reason. I insert my (secret) interpretation into the conversation and instead of working with what was said I start responding to my interpretation which is in a way a form of desperation. I am desperate, because I am too shit scared to simply ask for clarifications on what was said so as to help me understand and in fact stand equal to the person I am communicating with. Now, I fear inequality, because I am assuming that the other person cannot be trusted, and so to turn the tables in my favor I will now respond to that perceived injustice : there is no better way to make an ass out of yourself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am not clear why someone is saying something, immediatley assume that they are secretly trying to deceive me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made a habit out of following my assumptions which is a form of cowardice - rather than to check back with the person and clarify what it is they said. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise the extent of the turmoil I am willing to create by allowing myself to act and speak on an assumption - instead of simply admitting that I do not know: I do not know what was said. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to communicate 'perfectly' so as to always be immediately clear to me - when in reality my own communication is not at that level at all and I m not even standing as an exemple of what I expect. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that by choosing for assumptions I am actually choosing for the probability of conflict and seperation.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself being unsure as to what was said, to simply be real about it and ask for clarifications. 

I commit myself to be sensitive to the energy that I experience when I want to make an assumption and I take a breath. I breathe and I check myself and I check with the person: ok what do you mean by that? 

I commit myself to practice my communication and be vulnerable with myself and the other in being open about what it is I understood and if this is correct? 

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For more information about writing, self-forgiveness and applying self-change, visit: http://desteni.org

For the Free online self-forgiveness course, visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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The Valhalla Murders (2019) Review

This is one of the best crime series I have seen in years and I simply recommend it. Interesting with this particular series is that there is no underlying 'lovestory' mixed in the plot. The story follows two police officers. They investigate murders that are taking place as a result of systematic abuse that happened 30 years ago to a group of children. 

Through the sequence of murders the investigators get to reconstrue what had happened in the past and they realise that there were many loose ends that were never investigated. So this series heavily uses the topics of child abuse, broken families, pedophile rings, and government corruption. Even the lives of the policeofficers themselves are tainted by trauma and severe abuse in the past. Consequently, the story is about 'human nature' and what it means to grow up in this world as a child. 

The plot is vey believable I would say, up until the point where a seperate investigation request into a high ranking official is being filed but then very quickly shut down. A copy of a set of compromising documents is however also sent to a journalist and it is the journalist who confronts the official in a live TV interview. This I found to be a gullible twist of the plot because it banks on 'hope' and the belief that the press is actually here to 'expose' deception. 

From my perspective the mainstream press is fully complicit to the deception in this world because as with any organisation and institution they rely on money for their survival and existence. I do not believe that free journalism actually exists within todays corporate media landscape. Journalists simply do their 'job' and they have families to feed and morgages to pay. It is as simple as that. Very few people are actually willing to rock the boat. This is why in todays world we have reached a stage of perfect censorship. 

This is why real 'standing up' and 'self-education' - for now - must come from alternative media and news sources such as small independent newspapers, blogs and podcasts. This is also why it was so easy to brush all the questions regarding 9/11 under the carpet so quickly, as the mainstream media stand as 'one voice' that only follow 'one story'.